Gatormom means no harm. We all think differently. Shes not on the same page as us. Who's to say we are on the right page. She is expressing her opinion. That's what this site is supposed to be about. Helping each other. She is trying to help us. None of us is right or wrong. We all travel the same road. The view is just different for each of us.

I had those dark thoughts of wanting to die - losing Cliff demolished me. But I couldn't do that to my sons, and there was no way I would ever want to hurt them, so had to work on it instead. On those days where it was too overwhelming and I just wanted to end it, I would tell myself, "Not today." Usually, getting through the bad day would be enough, and the next day I would feel stronger. And, yes, I was suicidal. But eventually, I recognized there is a difference between wanting my life to end and wanting the pain to end. I didn't want to die, I just didn't want to live in so much pain.

I was prescribed sleeping pills, but never had the prescription filled because I didn't trust myself with them. Several friends tried to talk me into getting a gun, too, and besides not wanting to take someone else's life, I didn't trust myself with one. I was afraid I would falter and give in.

I can tell you this, if I had ended it, or even if I had simply given up, I WOULD HAVE MISSED SO MUCH. The things I have seen and done since then, the wonder and beauty, the laughter and joy - yeah, sounds impossible, but I found it again. I try not to waste my days - I have a different sense of the importance of my time left I guess.

It isn't a walk in the park to feel better. Sometimes it takes therapy, sometimes it takes medication, sometimes you have to revamp your thinking. It takes time and effort to rebuild after a disaster.

One book that helped me turn the corner on my grief was "Seven Choices - Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World" by Elizabeth Harper Neeld. It was like a gentle guide that helped me progress through my grief, and I had several "aha!" moments reading it. Check your public library for it, or you can get it on Amazon. I read several books on grief, and that was the best one I came across. Maybe it would help you.

You are stronger than you know. And life can be good again. Will it be different? Yes, that's unavoidable, but it can be good again.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

To my critics: Just for the record, my response(s) were not solely based upon my personal opinion, but also based upon my educational and professional experience as a licensed member of the medical community. I was simply responding due to ethic and moral obligations Sorry I cared

Gatormom, never be sorry that you cared, and I really don't think anyone was being critical, more that we don't look at this as "better off dead" but as relief from our painful life. Being alive right now is not an easy thing for me but NO I will not take my life. I certainly never meant to offend and I don't believe anyone else here did either and I am truly sorry if I did offend you.

I don't want to die, but there's a better than even chance that I could. I had a minor (in it's effects) stroke just a few weeks bf my spouse died. Recently found that it was actually my second stroke, not the first. I never knew anything about the other and they can't even tell me when it was. But the everyday stress and strain and fighting to survive... Isn't helping my condition, I am sure. My kids are grown, so I guess if I go, I go. But that doesn't mean I want to. And I do know the difference. I went through major depression many years ago after my father died... And there were times during that that I did want to die. Closest I came was considering driving my car into a highway overpass pillar. But, I figured, with my luck, I'd survive. Besides, I am a Christian. If and when God wants me, I know that all He has to do is say the word.
Until then...
I battle on, I guess.

Gatormom.... I believe you have no critics here. Read between the lines please.

Dottk and everyone, losing the love of your life IS very stressful to a persons body not just the mind and soul, I guess that is why "they" say that the most important thing the survivor can do is take care of themselves. So, with that, take really good care of yourself, eat right and get some daily activities accomplished...what ever that means to you. Once again, I have learned that you certainly can't always get what you want, still waiting on more tests in my world, ambiguity should be my middle name, looks like I may be around for a little while longer at least dang it anyway! I miss my hubby so much, but in the mean time I will carry on and I will love and enjoy the ones that are left here.

Everyday I think this would be easier than facing life without My Husband. Then, I think how selfish I am. I have Children and they would be devastated. I dont know where or what I want or need anymore. Its gotta be a "normal" thought.