I haven't been going through this as long and I don't go anywhere other than work so I haven't had the guarding their husband thing, although I have often heard that it happens. I have had the experience of people acting awkward or scared, as if they will catch my sorrow. People look at you differently. Sometimes they act guilty if they are being light hearted. It makes me feel excluded. You are right to leave if this congregation is no longer welcoming unless maybe there are other people who may feel alone like you. Maybe its time for the aame church different pew.

unfortunately, yes.

I was actually warned this would happen by a friend who had lost her husband several years before I lost mine. When my husband was diagnosed with a terminal illness, she took me aside and told me that the couple friends in our life would pull away because the women would not want their husbands around me.

Boy was she right!

I have no idea what people do this, but its fairly common.. The old saying, "grief rewrites your address book" is very true.

Unfortunately, there really isn't anything you can do about the situation. Just cling to the true friends you have and let the others go.

I agree that you should look around at the other members of your church before you make a permanent move to leave. There are most likely other widows and widowers who are in need of friendship.

You might want to talk to your pastor about identifying who those people are and think about forming a prayer group.

i no longer go to our church by my choice. Not really sure i felt women guarded their husbands but i most certainly felt a way different vibe from way too many people. Then of course i felt a ton of over flowing memories every time i went and i would almost always burst into tears, and not in a comforting way, still i went for over a year. But people no longer hugged me as they did when it was both of us, or the three of us (my daughter was away at college) I just felt too isolated and very very very sad. Sundays always were a sad day anyway in that first year. I am into my third year now, i could try going back, the pastor has changed and that may help as the one that came to visit us at the hospital and at my home when he died is gone. But its just not the same to me. the place my husband and daughter were baptized

I am sorry this has happened to you. It happened to me, too, not at church but at work. Most of my married friends avoided me. I no longer got asked to lunch by the ones that knew Cliff - it was only the ones I met/that were hired after Cliff's death that became my friends and companions with just a few very rare exceptions. It was so ridiculous! I was not looking for a new man, and if I was, what on earth would have made them think I would even consider their men for a split second??! None of then could have held a candle to Cliff!

When, later on, I got into a new relationship, suddenly all these people wanted back into my social circle. The invitations to go to lunch reappeared. I politely declined. Anyone who didn't stick around when I needed them the most were certainly not among the folks I wanted to spend my time and energy on.

The problem I had with my faith community was that they thought the best thing for me to do was to sit on a bunch of committees and take on new projects. Nope. I had become a single parent to two disabled sons - when was I supposed to handle these unasked for committee responsibilities on top of everything else?? The insensitivity of it was astonishing, to say the least. Oh, they did send a member of the congregation by to visit me. She was an emergency room nurse who started telling me about all the different kinds of deaths she has witnessed. Seriously! I threw her out!

Don't let it get to you. Some people are just plain stupid, and "you can't fix stupid."

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Right away I felt this. And it continued. I stated here, when I even ran into people in public. The wife would grab her husbands arm, and the man would take a step back. And the look n their faces. Like they wanted to turn and run. I even had a neighbor say, stay away from my boyfriend. I stopped going to church, until I find a new one, that didn't know my husband.

Love that line Martha -- you can't fix stupid! I can see the face of the comedian who said it, but can't think of his name - have CRS I guess!

Barbara

On the contrary I have had a few younger women volunteer their husbands to assist me with all kinds of household tasks. I haven't taken any of them up on it, but I am kind of insulted now, that they think their husbands are safe with me. WTF! I have considerable charms, and once upon a time, before the charms headed south towards the general vicinity of my knees, I was a veritable floozy.
I think it's time for me to stop wearing Bill's shirts, shave my legs and tart myself up, give those overly confident kind hearted women a lesson in treacherous lecherous widows 101. Grrrrr.
;-)
I have to say that the mental image of me in makeup, flaunting cleavage, flirting my granny panty covered ass off with unsuspecting hapless husbands made me snort my water all over my keyboard. It makes me laugh, but I am still outraged. :P

I lost some of our friends for they weren't comfortable around me. They were use to Dick and Debbie, but now.

Instead of being shunned by married couples, I got just the opposite. It started two weeks after the death of my husband - expectations of me to date, have a boyfriend, and/or remarry. Really?

Oh my Lord girl you are sooooo playing my song. My best friend (or so I thought) whose husband was my Sunday School teacher told me how stubborn I was and that I needed to ask for help with certain things. I went without doing that for a while and believe it or not one Sunday morning during class they prayed for me to lay my pride down and ask for help that I was robbing folks of their blessings in helping me. Ok. I did. I asked my best friends husband, the SS teacher. I called my best friend of course never him directly to ask a couple of questions, nothing too intricate, the third time I began getting the distinct impression she didn't like it. Even at church I felt like she was avoiding me. My teenage daughter agreed as I went to her for advice thinking maybe I was just losing it, my compass is waaay off with the grief so I'm thinking my daughter would straighten me out. She wholeheartedly agreed and when I saw that she seemed relieved I had finally noticed I had to pull over on the side of the road I sobbed like a baby. I was suddenly enlightened embarrassed I felt humiliated and I MISSED MY HUSBAND. I had a husband a beautiful one who friggin knew how to do every thing!! I was SO humiliated! I sent them both an email telling them I would no longer be a burden and that I felt like I had over stepped my bounds. She seemed floored, surprised and when in person I told her I got the distinct impression from her that she was upset with me she completely and emphatically denied it! I love them both, I don't understand what happened or why but I haven't called since and asked anything. My husband actually asked her husband to look out after us and make sure the kids and I would be ok. I REFUSE to ask another man for ANYTHING. I am frikkin dealing with the loss of my dear husband and my babies miss their Daddy damn if I need someone coming down off of their pedals tall of self-righteous indignation to help me with anything! I just today told a church member who is probably a lovely man that I didn't need his help, he was going to make time to come next week and look over the house to see what might need to be done. I told him thank you but no thank you. YES there are a friggin million things I don't understand and need help with. What I DONT need is to be humiliated and made to feel small in all of the other I am dealing with. NO WAY. That's what Home Depot and the internet are for. I'll figure it out.
I have not had any of my friends I love very much offer their husbands to me. That hurts me more than I can say. Doesn't matter if I would accept. I am attending our home church, I went back after Frank died the incident with my friend and her husband was at their church Frank and I had been visiting for several months before he became too weak to go anymore. My friends at our home church now know nothing of that incident and yet no one who claims to love and worry about me has offered to help. The babies and I are VERY much on our own. I do my own yard work and our yard is huge, I sprayed for bugs I bought a dryer vent cover (I still don't know how to put that on yet but I'll figure it out) I check the oil in the van as it leaks (I need an oil pan gasket and can't afford to fix it)...I got AAA in case I break down and I am painting slowly but surely inside the house.
It sucks plain and simple, it's insulting and it hurts so much and we don't need any more added pain. And yes people are just plain stupid.

Don't take it too personally, I think it's because many women fear the thought of their own husband dying at some point. They don't know what they'd do if it happened to them and don't want to be reminded that it is happening to others. Along comes someone like us whose husband actually died and we're feeling awful. No wonder they run. I quit going to church for the same reason. They don't seem to miss me, and I don't feel bad anymore on Sunday over someone else's neurotic behavior. It is still unkind and petty of them to treat you that way, in church, during your greatest time of need. So sorry for your loss.

I have personally never had a problem with my church members. I have heard some women comment that people in the church community are not friendly. I look at it this way. I go to church to worship and not worry about social gatherings. I go there to find peace and not to worry about who I will have conversation with in the parking lot. I attend church for me and not for the rest of the world.

Maggie

I lost all my friends. Had nothing to do with their husbands - they just didn't seem to interested in seeing me. It was very hard to deal with and took some time to get over.

It's been 4+ years and I have made new friends. My new friends are better than the old and I have no interest in renewing a friendship with my "former" friends.