I was just thinking today how different divorce is from widowhood. You do choose the one but not the other. Your loved one is torn from your arms and out of your heart and the feelings are quite intense - you aren't mourning your own 'failure' but the loss of your life through no choice of your own.

Also in a divorce, the ex is usually still there and you can deal with unfinished business if you need to. I just saw my ex yesterday but I'll never see my beloved again.

When I was dating after my divorce, I noticed that divorced men "hated" their ex-wives and you usually didn't feel you were competing with them. I dated only a few widowers, but they seemed to have put their lost wives on a pedestal and I didn't feel I was able to compete with them. And this is NOT intended to be a general statement, far from it. It's just more support for my own experience that the feelings and aftermath are quite different between the two in many respects.

I have been both divorced and then widowed, and I can say that I do not get offended by divorced people offering their sympathy to me and noting that both situations are very difficult and do, in fact, have some things in common. Divorce often is unexpected by at least one party, often involves grief over the loss of love, as well as loss of trust. Both divorce and being widowed are very painful experiences, but different too, and cannot be compared exactly to each other. If I know the divorced person is sincerely trying to find common ground with me, and sympathise with me, I give them credit for that. I also realize that all of us are going to go through stages where NOTHING anybody says to us is going to be the right thing, and that is how grief works.
laurabp

I find myself in a different place than most on here, or anywhere for that matter... I was in the process of leaving my husband (due to his drug use & infidelity issues) so, yes, leaving was my choice. However, because I was leaving him, he killed himself, thus making me a widow, which wasn't my choice... I wasn't leaving because I didn't love him anymore or because I really wanted to leave; his steroid/testosterone use plus the cheating was putting me and our child at risk for injury and diseases (The violence/ mental abuse in our home was getting worse). Not to mention the fact that he was cleaning out our bank accounts to spend money on other women...Did I really get a choice in either situation?

Hi! I'm not lidlone but thought I'd put my two cents in.....the answer is yes and no. Yes I hold my DS up on a pedestal because he deserves to be there. Anyone who knew him would agree so I won't bother trying to defend my position here from those who believe I'm being unrealistic.
And no I don't think anyone I possibly dated in the future would have to feel they were competing with him. Believe it or not I am a very realistic and logical person and know every person is unique and can't replace another. I also wouldn't expect to have a love of that magnitude again but that's understandable and to be expected.
In my opinion I would rather date a widower. Someone who has loved and been loved deeply and is made of the stuff to sustain that kind of relationship. And I think, as long as we have completed our grief work, we would make good partners because we have learned some valuable life lessons, our priorities are straight, we know what really matters and we would never take anyone for granted again because we know in the end it's all about relationships.

I've been through both a divorce from my first husband, and the death of my second husband...the love of my life.

They are both hard. With a divorce your self esteem is at stake. With the loss of your spouse it is like your life is ripped away from you. Actually if you are the one that someone is divorcing I guess it could feel like that kind of loss for some.

In some ways the two compare to each other. I felt like the dirt on the bottom of someones shoe after my divorce. It was the death of a dream at the time. It ended up being the best thing that could have happened because then I met my husband, Denny...the love of my life.

When I lost my second husband, Denny, to a brain tumor I felt like I lost my life and my soul. When he and I got together I found out what a real relationship was and what real love was. We were so so happy! We completed each other. I felt like I had finally had the kind of life that everyone dreams of and I was with "the one!" He was so kind and gentle and wonderful to me.

I do not feel like I would be competing with someone else if I ever met someone who also lost the love of their life. All people are different and I would not expect someone to be the same as my husband if I met someone some day. The thing is I do not want to meet someone yet. I want to spend time with my memories...the ones that I so cherish.

I feel like a man who truly treasured his lost wife would himself be a treasure. Maybe I am strange, but if you can love deeply and completely then you are capable of that kind of love. To me that would be a plus, not a minus.

I miss my husband so so much. I do not miss...a man at this point. I just miss my husband.

hugs to you all..
-Diana

I have also been through a divorce, second marriage and then the death of my husband. Someone once said to me that it is easier to be a widow than a wife left behind for a younger woman. At least with death you get sympathy from friends, you don't have to face your ex at the kid's functions with his new bit of fluff on his arm and you don't have the anger and hatred that can come with divorce.
Well..neither is easy and each comes with it's own pain. I have to say now that death is much harder as far as the lasting pain goes. With divorce there is usually some anger that keeps you going just to prove you can do it on your own. With death their is just pain and sadness.It may be an age thing for me. I was 28 when I was divorced and 57 as a widow. Maybe maturity or aching bones has made a difference?

As far as dating..well, no one would have to compete with my Mike. He is gone and I would never look for someone that could fill his shoes. I have a new life, a different outlook and certainly new dreams. The past is past and is a wonderful memory but I do not want to repeat it.
My 2 cents.
Cindy

I have never been divorced. I did have a child with someone else. We were very young and I thought that would be it. Well after several years of crap I just gave up, I was done. I then meet my husband. I feel totally and hopelessly madely in love with him. I had never felt that way before. When he died, part of me died. We did not have the perfect life, we had our problems, but we loved each other and we completed each other. I am sure it is painful for a divorce but I agree, it is a choice to some extend. Yes, I am sure that there is pain and grief and what not, but it is not the same as losing a spouse to death. I did not choose this. I did not even have a say in this. It happened and I am left totally ALONE. I have no one, no one to help raise my children. My boys do not have a father anymore. They do not get to go and see dad on the weekends or spend spend school breaks with him or even fight we me over who they want to live with. He is gone forever. See it is two different situations and totally different. My heart goes out to people that have difficult relationships that do end in divorce but they are still living. Ours is dead-gone forever. Hugs. Shawn

I have been divorced and then widowed. By the grace of God I escaped my first marriage alive. My divorce was such a relief there was no grief. Later though I met and fell in love with someone very deeply, he was just 8 months divorced and not ready for total commitment and we parted ways. I was destroyed but I lived through it. Then I met my husband and by the grace of God had 15 years of happiness. I now know what a true loving relationship is about. He had his faukts and a few things I would have had him be different about but there is no such thing as perfection. In a relationship what do you give up to have what. It isn't setteling, it's reality. I will always hold my husband on a pedestal in my heart and I will measure whoever to his standards because he showed me what love was really about. Being with someone who is divorced or widowed doesn't matter, it is who they are that matters.