Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I have been a member of daily strength under "Grandparents raising granchildren" , then the "bereavement support group" which led me to herer. Well here is my story.
IMy husband and I had been raising 2 of my grandchildren (ages 6 & 8) for 3 years. This caused alot of stress for me, working full time and living on a farm, horses, ducks, dogs, cats, etc. I also wwas helping my elderly mother who was ill. I had to put her in a nursing home in June. She was so saddened and miserable there.
On 7/1/11 I retired after 30 years. I looked forward to destressing and having a better life after retirement, spending quality time with my husband, grandchildren and mom. I know I was hard to live with after the girls came to live with us and before I retired. I had an extremely stressful job. My husband told me repeatedly to quit my job. I refused. I was to close to retirement to quit. I kept promising him it would get better when I retirede. I am young, retired when I was 50,
On 8/11/11 I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I had chemo, radiation, hospitalization and several trips to the emergency room and I still need further treatment because there is still cancer "hot spots".
On 10/14/11 my mother died. I didn't get to spend much time with her once I began cancer treatment because I got so sick and I didn't want her to know I had cancer.
On 11/7/11 my husband, "papa" to the girls, the love of my life and my "rock" killed himself. I didn't even know he was hurting. Nobody knew. I feel so bad. I don't understand. I feel so guilty. I believe the cancer and raising the girls were too much for him. He did everything for me/girls while I was sick. I kept saying I could help more but he wouldn't let me. Everything reminds of him. We built our farm together. The memories are painful. i don't want to be here. I hate the sorrow, pain. I can't think straight, I cry all the time. I feel like iI am going to crack up. My youngest granddaughter is taking it very hard. I don't understand how he could leave me knowing I may not survive the cancer. I had signed my will the week before and he wanted to raise the girls. We had discussed my "final arrangements" and he was going to be there for the girls. I don't understand what happened. How long was he thinking about suicide. Sometimes, the grief is more than I can handle. I started smoking. I drink.I feel like I don't want to live anymore . I have a very bleak future. I feel like I don't care but I do care. My girls can't loose me after just losing papa and granny. I am so sad.
Also, my husband was taking Ambien CR for years and it no longer worked. Many family members feel the ambien caused him to committ suicide. Has anyone had an experience like this.
IMy husband and I had been raising 2 of my grandchildren (ages 6 & 8) for 3 years. This caused alot of stress for me, working full time and living on a farm, horses, ducks, dogs, cats, etc. I also wwas helping my elderly mother who was ill. I had to put her in a nursing home in June. She was so saddened and miserable there.
On 7/1/11 I retired after 30 years. I looked forward to destressing and having a better life after retirement, spending quality time with my husband, grandchildren and mom. I know I was hard to live with after the girls came to live with us and before I retired. I had an extremely stressful job. My husband told me repeatedly to quit my job. I refused. I was to close to retirement to quit. I kept promising him it would get better when I retirede. I am young, retired when I was 50,
On 8/11/11 I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I had chemo, radiation, hospitalization and several trips to the emergency room and I still need further treatment because there is still cancer "hot spots".
On 10/14/11 my mother died. I didn't get to spend much time with her once I began cancer treatment because I got so sick and I didn't want her to know I had cancer.
On 11/7/11 my husband, "papa" to the girls, the love of my life and my "rock" killed himself. I didn't even know he was hurting. Nobody knew. I feel so bad. I don't understand. I feel so guilty. I believe the cancer and raising the girls were too much for him. He did everything for me/girls while I was sick. I kept saying I could help more but he wouldn't let me. Everything reminds of him. We built our farm together. The memories are painful. i don't want to be here. I hate the sorrow, pain. I can't think straight, I cry all the time. I feel like iI am going to crack up. My youngest granddaughter is taking it very hard. I don't understand how he could leave me knowing I may not survive the cancer. I had signed my will the week before and he wanted to raise the girls. We had discussed my "final arrangements" and he was going to be there for the girls. I don't understand what happened. How long was he thinking about suicide. Sometimes, the grief is more than I can handle. I started smoking. I drink.I feel like I don't want to live anymore . I have a very bleak future. I feel like I don't care but I do care. My girls can't loose me after just losing papa and granny. I am so sad.
Also, my husband was taking Ambien CR for years and it no longer worked. Many family members feel the ambien caused him to committ suicide. Has anyone had an experience like this.
Sending a big hug and know that you are not alone here
I am so very sorry about the loss of your husband. The first few months after my husband's death, I was just in shock (it was unexpected - he died following a routine surgery). It is hard to get through the days, but try to take things one day at a time.
I understand your feelings about your farm. My first thoughts about our house and home were that I was going to have to move. But I did not do anything drastic and I am still here. Everyone needs to do what they think is best for themselves, and although we are facing tragedy together, we are not all the same.
Hopefully you will have some time to make that decision. If financially you can manage staying where you are for now, I would recommend taking your time with the big decisions. It is practically impossible (or it was for me) to think clearly when the grief is so raw.
Keeping you in prayers,
Shar
L
Anne
If you do an internet search, you will find many articles about ambien and suicididal thoughts.
I did not lose my husband to suicide, but my dad was ill for many years and tried three time to commit suicide. the third time he succeeded. He had been ill for many years, with paranoia, and bi polar disorder. He had been ill since I was 16 years old but many years before also before the diagnosis.He passed 10 years ago, when I was 42.
I too, have read on ambien, and it gave my mom very vivid dreams and also very depressionary thoughts. I do know that meds affect different people ih different ways.
With very little knowledge, I can say that from what you have written it is very likely that the Ambien may have affected your husband, but no one will ever know that for sure. I am so sorry that you even have to go through this tradgedy with all you have going on with your own health as well.
Please know that you had absolutely NOTHING to do with what happened with your husband and could NOT have known this was going to happen. It was not work, your grandkids, or your illness. there are no answers and that is the part that is the worst in all of this for you i know. For myself with my dad, it took many years to come to terms with what happened, and still I have questions at times that I know there are no answers to. and that was my father. Not my husband, so I cant begin to imagine what you are going through. I am so so sorry.
One thing you can KNOW is that you loved your husband, and HE knows that too. He I'm sure would want you to concentrate on yourself, and getting better for those precious grandkids that he did want to take care of for you. I am thankful that you are here to take care of them now, and hope you can take care of YOU.
wish I had words of wisdom, but all I can say is that you have found a place where there is understanding, and compassion, and real caring. Please come back and write anything that you feel, no matter what it is. It will be understood.
One thing you can be sure of is that now you have friends. you are not alone in this. Again, I am so very sorry.
Diane
As I read your comments I figured I would plan to comment like everyone else - then I came to the last paragraph and thought OMG. My husband also took ambien for many years. In the beginning ambien was considered the wonder drug that helped sleep yet did not cause dependency like other sleep aids. Any one ever take Ambien?. I would take just a sliver and want another the next night - and they said it wasn't addictive.
Over the years they increased the ambien and I became more upset as the dosages increased. My husband worked 60 hrs a week in retail standing all day and had pain in this legs. The ambien was for the pain to help him sleep thru the night. Ambien was the drug that caused no side effects - remember. My husband also had hepatitis C. We had fights over his ambien dependency - but he insisted he needed good sleep to do his job well and doctors had such wonderful things to say about it. Then more health problems began. One day while reading the paper we read an article that said the side effects of long term use of ambien - he had them all. So it wasn't the wonder drug they said you could take the rest of your life.
The ambien was not working well and doctors discontinued it - especially after my husband showed them the newspaper.. My husband could not sleep now after many years on ambien. He began drinking vodka at night to fall asleep - but I didn't realize it for a long time.
Vodka is not good when you have hepatitis C. I have often said I thought the problems started with the ambien. Ambien perhaps is good for short term use - but long term -------
Don't blame yourself. I think they say about 90% of people who commit suicide have some type of physical, chemical or mental disorder. Sounds like there are lots of problems with ambien. Don't blame your husband either - drugs can do strange things to the mind. Try to remember the good times.
Considering your compounding grief, you might want to ask for help from others. Especially professional help to help children to cope, and for yourself to find a support from a group of families whose loved ones committed suicide.
There is an organization in every city, a Mental Health Center, they have diverse groups and one of them is the Family and Friends who lost someone to suicide.
You mght find it in your area. Also, I run into a book on Amazon, titled "Silent Grief". I have nto read it, but it might be helpful.
Write me if you want to talk about it.
We are here to help each other, no matter what situation the loss is the loss.
Hang in there, My heart goes on to you.Hug,
I feel humbled by the grief you describe and wish for peace and comfort for you and yours.....
hugs.....