Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I was thinking today that if I had passed before him how would I want him to handle things.
We had talked about how his dad had remarried pretty quick after his mom died. Some people cannot be alone. I believe Roby would have been like that. I have struggled with the thought of meeting someone new, most of the time Im ok with being alone. But sometimes I am lonely and would like someone in my life.
I know I would have been ok with him finding someone, I would not want him to be sad and alone for his remaing years.
Just somethung to think about.
Diane
We had talked about how his dad had remarried pretty quick after his mom died. Some people cannot be alone. I believe Roby would have been like that. I have struggled with the thought of meeting someone new, most of the time Im ok with being alone. But sometimes I am lonely and would like someone in my life.
I know I would have been ok with him finding someone, I would not want him to be sad and alone for his remaing years.
Just somethung to think about.
Diane
Oh well!
I once told him I would want him to be happy and meet someone else if something happened to me, and wouldn't he want the same for me? His answer was "No!" and I smile when I think about it. I guess if he felt strongly about it, he shoulda stuck around. ;-)
I think it's only a matter of time before one of the guys here steps up and takes on Jewells' wing man tour. He'll visit the sisters of the travelling widowhood, do the odd home repair, give us a reason to shave our legs, and then he'll leave the toilet seat up enough times for us to gladly send him on his way to his next stop. ;-)
But I agree with Truhal, too. I know people who are in relationships and marriages that I would never want to experience. I think I was so lucky to know someone who valued me as a person and treated me with respect.
And it's nice to read posts from men here on DS who treated their spouses that way.
Wishing you all peace ...
Rainycreek - Awesome sense of humor. That's what will help us get through this.
Russ
Would there be meatloaf involved anywhere in this "wingman" arrangement?
Bob
The man club is pretty strict and losing your man card is very emotional. So you should not expect these slackers on here to admit that they were decent husbands :)
Actually, the biggest benefit of the man card is that is gets us out of doing some tasks that are unmanly. The funny thing is that each guy gets to decide which tasks are unmanly for him :)
It's very complicated, so if you see a guy who admits that he had a cuddly romantic relationship with his wife he has probably already lost his man card. For this you should send some hugs :)
PS if I get a lot of hugs then I know I'm in trouble :)
Those who have heard this story before can just skip over it.
Way back in 2004, after I suffered a heart attack and was life-flighted to a cardiac hospital, I asked Sam "What would you have done if I died?"
His reply was "I would have gone on."
Well, I was as indignant as a 7th grade girl! I don't know what else I expected him to say, but I guess that wasn't it. He went on to say that he would have been lonely, his spirit would have been broken, but he would have had to continue to work ... to put one foot in front of the other ... simply to live!
And that is what has kept me going. I will try to continue to be hard-working, caring, and ethical ... in his memory.
@Diane, Cliff and I had the talk about this after we buried our parents. All 4 of our parents died before him, so we had the talk several times. We agreed that if anything happened to one of us, the other should grieve for a time but then try to live a full and happy life, and if possible find love again, preferably with someone who would love our sons and help with them (they are both on the autism spectrum). After Cliff died, I went through a whole range of emotions on this topic, but I knew what Cliff's opinion on it was.
What I was not prepared for was the pressure and criticism that I received both ways from people around me, and also some people in this group way back then. I was pressured to "move on" and also to grieve forever. I have had the most incredible things said to me over the years - real jaw-droppers! At 2-3 months, I had friends who wanted me to go clubbing to meet guys because I was single 'just like them' - um, not! When Acuriousfish and I became a couple more than a year after Cliff died, I was told I was rushing it, crazy, and accused of not loving my dead husband if I was able to even contemplate another relationship.
It is astonishing the level of nerve some people have.....
I was widowed at 50. I wasn't a kid. I was used to no one telling me what to do, and I didn't need all the unasked-for "advice" I got. I also knew Cliff better than anyone and knew what he wanted for me. No one else's opinions really mattered, frankly, although I was careful about taking my sons' reactions and needs into consideration. IMO, kids do change the circumstanceds. And yes, Acuriousfish and I waited over a year, although I was in love with him long before the year was up. We were prudent.
If I had been the one to die, I would have wanted Cliff not to be alone, sad, miserable. I hated to see him suffer - I loved him! When you love someone, you don't want them to be miserable, do you?? I understand people like Sue's husband joking and saying nobody else, but I can't imagine anyone really meaning that. But to each his own I guess.
Everybody finds their own answer and their own comfort level on this. There is no right or wrong on this one. To me, the only wrong answer is to choose to live a life that is endless misery. How you find happiness, that is up to you. If you are happy alone, fine. If you are happy living on your own and just dating, fine. If you are happy as part of a couple, fine. The world has room for all these options. And I would support anyone's choices so long as they are happy!
Love and Hugs,
Martha
P.S. - Bob, hugs on the way.... :P LOL!
But tomorrow is another day.