You won't be any good for anyone, if you don't take care of you first. don't feel guilty, you have done everything you can do. Step back, and let someone else handle this you have healing to do yourself....sounds like she is making her own decisions, herself.

Mary, I have to agree with Sandee, you need to take care of yourself for awhile. If all goes well and you get rested up you can consider stepping back in and helping again. Just tell your brother that if he needs advice or just to talk tell him to call. Remember you can't do it all yourself nor should you try.

Best Regards, George

I wish I had words of wisdom to tell you which path to follow. Follow your heart and mind. The decision you make will be the right one for you.

Hugs.

Yes Mary I totally agree with with Sandee and George.(take care of yourself) This is a really tough situation. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. Put your mom in Gods hands. After you have rested there may be a time down the road where your mom will need you more. You need your own strength and wellness to answer the call.
My motherinlaw who is terminal I am keeping updates on but plan to take a more active role when I am needed more. I am truly sorry Mary about your Mom so close to the loss of your husband. Big hug to you my friend. God bless. Gerald

Mary, this may sound like a stupid question, but what has your mother said to you? I don't think you can make a clear decision one way or the other unless you and she discuss this. What you and she feel about all of this is not something your brothers can decide. I think that the best way to be free of any guilt either way is to talk with your Mom.

I know you are exhausted and have felt like your grieving for your husband has been on hold while you care for your Mom. I hate to put it this way, but if we are talking about hospice care, then aren't we talking about a matter of a few days, a few weeks, or ? What I mean is, perhaps you would feel like you had done what was right by your Mom if you extended your stay. Your grief will be there regardless. Peace with your losses is something only you can find, and only you know in your heart-of-hearts how that peace will be found.

My own experience that is closest to yours is when my father was dying. I had a whole lot of reasons why I should or could be elsewhere, but I wasn't. It was hell, but I was with him every day including his last. My siblings who did not make the effort were very screwed up emotionally after he died. One of my sisters was in therapy for two years for it. I was at peace with it. I had said all I needed to say and done all that could possibly be done by me. In the end, my father and I knew we loved each other and that we had both fought all we could for his survival. That is why I was at peace with it.

I don't know you or your mother or how your family dynamics will play out. I am only commenting because I see the love and concern in your question, and I am concerned that perhaps putting yourself first this time might actually mean staying on rather than going. None of us can decide that. Only you can.

I will pray that you receive the guidance that helps you figure this out for yourself. I am sorry I am not more help.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Boy you sure can count on these folks here I think that Cliffskat has something here, you need to do what makes you feel right, for your own future too. So take the next week or so and see how it goes you should be able to get a good feel for how your Mom is doing and how you will feel if you have to leave. Also take a deep breath and try to relax as best you can.
Best to you
Jeff

Thank you all so so much I felt so much better right after I posted this and asked for advice, I went to church and prayed for God's will to be done and I know it will be. As soon as I got home and sat down to dinner with my Mom, I asked her if she wants me to just close up my house after I have my back surgery and return here in about 6 to 8 weeks and she said, that would be wonderful if I could. I told her I can do whatever she needs me to do after all she deserves it she is the best Mom in all the land. She said she will let me know after we get it all set up in the next week or so. Then we will go from there! So THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!! You are all such a blessing to be here 24/7!!! God bless and warm hugs to all of you!
Mary

Mary I know it is hard not to feel guilty, but darling you have to take care of you first. I think for the most part we are all so numb when we first have to deal with the death. Then we start to second guess ourselves in the following weeks, did we do what was right etc. etc. My husband never spoke of his dying to me, I knew, but we never spoke of it, he was the type of man who faced reality so talking about it isn't going to change it. Even caring for hi the best I could, I still would check each pocket of his clothes for a note that he may have written to say I did what he wished. My father died ten weeks later and six months after that I had to take my beloved Siberian husky that I ad for thirteen years to the vets, age had taken its toll on my four legged friend that I had cried and talked to.
Mary I don't remember grieving for my Dad, I was a Daddy's girl and we were very close, I cried but I think that my numbness and pain from losing my husband cushioned my father's death. We are all stronger than we think we are, and that strength allows us to pace what we can handle, how others handle things is their way, how we handle our own grief is what keeps us putting one foot in front of the other.

Thank you Jrh2006 for your advice it is greatly appreciated! I am so sorry for all your grief and mourning my DS Friend! God Bless... Mary

I'm sure your mother will feel better if she knows that you are also taking care of yourself, just like any parent, she would be more concerned about your welfare than hers. This may sound selfish, but attend to your immediate needs first, and then you can focus on your mom's needs 100%.

I hope everything goes well. Hugs.