My husband and I lived out in the country in Mo one of our favorite things to do was to load a cooler up with beer and drive out back on
our 140 acre property and have a beer and just talk I have not had
a beer since he passed I know it sounds strange. Also I can't watch
some of our favorite shows we recorded and watched. I am so glad I found this site it has only been 3 weeks no one can understand these
things unless you have gone through them.

My husband Mark was a very thoughtful man. If I was working in my office he would make me a nice little snack and bring it in and/or ask me if I would like some coffee. He was a very giving, caring person who would do anything for his family. I do not go out at night because I fear if something happened to me I would not have him to call. I even fear getting in my car and breaking down because I knew I could depend on him for everything. I have no family in the area. My 19 year old is back living with me until he goes back to college but I don't like to put a lot on him as he is still young and if he sees I am okay he seems to be okay. I think he is more worried about me then anything (and obviously because I am his only parent left).

I avoid cooking. I was a great cook, and we enjoyed cooking together, sharing a glass of wine, talking and laughing.
Seems pointless now

There are numerous things, some silly small and some just too poignant. I returned to our house the night after Tracey passed, and since that night, I couldn't sleep on my side of the bed and have the emptiness beside me. Somehow, it seems less of a trauma by sleeping on her side and in some ways, I felt closer.

Couldn't watch the Stanley Cup Playoffs, can't watch a Cardinals game. No Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy, the entire ID channel and all the true investigation shows on all the other networks, I drive a different route to work and back, can't buy his favorite bread.

Mainly can't listen to music. I quit listening when my dad died. When Kevin came back into my life, he helped me to be able to liisten again. Now, I'm back where I started. But staggerlying more alone.

I just found this thread. I'm amazed...so many of us are right there going through the same things. I hate going to the grocery store... there is something on every single aisle that reminds me of Rod. I haven't slept on my side of the bed since he passed away...I spent the first 2 weeks after it happened at my sister-in-laws and when I got "home" all I wanted was to feel close to Rod again. "Home" doesn't feel like home anymore...he was my home. I haven't been able to watch any of the TV shows or the old movies that we liked. When Lauren Bacall died last week...I couldn't watch her old movies...something we loved to do. I cried when Robin Williams died...I didn't know him but he made Rod & laugh til we cried so many times it was like losing another piece of him.

I avoid watching televisions shows that we enjoyed together. I have avoided our favorite restaurant. I have stopped doing photography because I loved taking the pictures and we would sit at the computer and go through them and talk about them and he would give me his thoughts and suggestions. I avoid sleeping on his side of the bed and most music.
I can't tell y'all how much each and everyone of you have helped me thru these last ten months.....I am forever grateful. Hugs, Colleen

Yeah, I kinda avoid his side of the bed, too. We used to watch specific movies certain times of the year - I can't watch them myself (a couple I've taken to a friend 's house and shared then with her). I avoid the cream stands and some of the restaurants we went to. I dont think I could go to our favorite restaurant even with friends.

At 7 years now the only thing I still avoid is riding on a motorcycle. My son still rides and many of the group we rode with have invited me, but my heart holds that in memories of us together only. Sharon

When are these group meetings? How are they held - online here? I'm interested to find out more, please.

I avoid our favorite TV shows, too. Can't watch them. For right now, I avoid sitting in a crowd that has assembled specifically for enjoyment such as for a theater performance, for a concert. I've tried to do these things, but can't handle it. I see what looks to be normal life going on around me, see the happy faces and it seems to magnify my grief. I had absolutely loved these things prior. I think it's because of that, because it hits me so hard when I'm in those places that I am not the same person I was. It's frightening and hurts too much for now.

I would say the one thing that I DO avoid would be certain songs. My fiance was DJ so music was a huge part of our life. When we first met, he made me a CD only 1 week after we first laid eyes on one another. He called it.. Jeff and Liz's Love Mix. So many songs will remind me of him and I start tearing up and have to change it. I do try to listen to the CD he made for me but it is VERY difficult. All of the songs sent me a message of how he felt about me after we first met. So very emotional trying to listen to those now. But I will treasure that CD forever.

I avoid sitting in his recliner. When he broke his arm he got one of those recliners that lifts you up so its easier to get up. I tried sitting in it but to me its not comfortable, I think its because its his chair. I just sit in my recliner like I did when he was here. My little dog skippy sits in the recliner like he did when Kenny was here.

Christmas does not agree with me. I'd rather be on a slow boat to China.

Two Christmases in a row my husband is diagnosed with cancer, original and return.

He had a beautiful voice and would call me several times a day to sing our favorites Christmas songs that were playing on the truck radio. Christmas music makes me cringe.

And, those cigarette commercials that show emaciated people, to get the point across what cigarettes do to you. I have to walk out of the room. When my husband passed, he was lucky to weigh 90 lbs., and we're talking about a 162 lb. man.

Finally, the hospital. Once volunteered in the ER and loved every minutes of it. I gave it up for it is difficult to walk in the door anymore.

I found this blog just yesterday and read practically everything written. It happens that I had an experience yesterday that I thought I was past. Since I've moved to a different state and left the house we happily made a home together, I didn't foresee what happened. In the old days we would often go to Cracker Barrel after early morning doctor appointments and have breakfast. That was the best breakfast in my life. So yesterday I went to hospital for a CT scan and thought how great a Cracker Barrel breakfast would taste. Then, suddenly, I tried to imagine sitting at a table without Robert across from me and I started crying so hard I could barely drive. But wasn't this the very thing I should force myself through, the way people who fear flying have to fly to get over it? Maybe if I ate lunch instead of breakfast I could stand it. That's what I did and survived it. Sitting there by the window, though, I saw several older couples walking through the parking lot and a surge of jealously rushed over me. I've long since stopped envying younger, beautiful couples; it is the ones my age that make me sad to be me. I don't want the husbands, I don't want to be the wives, I want my man and all the shared history we had together back. Recently my former sister-in-law was in town and told me that, while she understood my loss (I doubt she really does), I could put on a happy face. This is a nurse/preacher who fancies she can console people and usher people through hospice to a better world. She has no empathy. I'm writing now to people I do think understand my outrageous feelings. What I conclude after my Cracker Barrel experience is that a person can move to a new place amid different people but she can not run away from what remains in her heart. And perhaps the only people who can empathize are the ones who've walked this path she's on. Thank you.

With it being only 54 days, I find myself avoiding life. That being said, there are some things that are worse than others. My girl and I enjoyed watching Hallmark movies, especially the Christmas ones. She was so excited that they were doing Christmas in July movies, so we spent July 4th (our anniversary) in the hospital watching them all day long. I had no idea that would be our last full day together. Now I avoid that channel like the plague and I don't want to even think about Christmas.