Since Mark died, I have not watched an episode of M*A*S*H*. We watched 1st runs as newly marrieds and reruns until he died.

I have been to most of our favorite places and restaurants. I attend holiday festivities with family. Daily routines mostly remain the the same.

I really hadn't thought much about this until now. Maybe I should ......

So many little things. I have not made a cup of coffee since he passed; have not watched some shows on tv we watched together; have not gone to the super market we shopped at all the time - now go to a different one: nor slept on his side of the bed. On a positive, I have handled the house chores inside and out and doing okay.

In the beginning and since he passed in January when the days are short, I avoided being out after dark. I had to be home before dark came as I was scared to come home in the dark. I had come home in the dark with no problem when he was in the hospital but could not do so after he passed and I was living alone for a 3 months until DD moved back home from University. It made for miserable days. Then I avoided cooking at home as much as possible. After years of cooking and loving to cook for him , I just hit a brick wall.
Bereavement support group has been a godsend for me. Hard to go at first but then something clicked. It`s another community . New bonds have indeed been formed.
I remember my first time going being greeted by these 2 facilators who hugged me as I was walking in...That almost mad me turn around and go back home. Hugging was not something I was comfortable with except for my husband and kids. The second week I went again , with a big chip on my shoulder and announced that I did not want to be hugged. By the end of the 8 week sessions I became a hugging machine! I`ve done two sessions and have open invitation to go back as they think I have much to offer in the way I share. I told them that I am gaining and healing from sharing.

I avoid eating at the table which is sad but I just can't do it. It's sad because I have four little ones (I avoided it even before my 18 year old went to college June 18th). What ends up happening is I clean the dishes and we listen to music and I don't eat...while the children eat and giggle they are 8,7,6 and three. We loved to sit and hold bands he was always touching me even when I was trying to cook the meal. We would sit for an hour or more just talking while the kids played sometimes id sit in his lap.
I just can't sit there without him.
Cindy

Boy am I glad you posted this. Even though, from being on this site, I know people are going through the same thing as me, I still think some of these things are only "me". I haven't watched an episode of Jeopardy since he passed. That was our thing and still can't bring myself to watch. I still only sleep on my side of the bed - what do people do about the bed thing? When I do manage to eat at home, I sit on the couch with the TV on. The one time I tried to sit at the table, I could barely stand it - just looking across at that empty seat! The very first time I went to the grocery store I cried - it was heartbreaking. Walking down the aisles and starting to grab things that "he" ate - his cereal and then remembering and putting it back on the shelf! I know it sounds selfish - but I miss not having someone to share all these chores with - if anything needs to be done now - it's me. I miss him driving on the weekends - I drove to work all week and when the weekend came I knew I didn't have to drive anywhere again until Monday. It really is al the little things.

I'm at 11 months tommorrow I first avoided walking the dogs, poor things, it took me months to walk them. We always walked them together.
I felt really strong at first and would take motorcycle rides, now I haven't been able to.
About the only TV show we watched together was TMZ after we cleaned up dinner we would watch it then go to bed, no TMZ for me now.
But I still get up on weekend mornings grab a cup of coffee and catch up on my iPad, we would do that so I still do that abiet alone.
And I so appreciate DS it makes me feel less alone.
Hugs, Sandi

Great topic - I hadn't really thought about it but I also have not watched one episode of Jeopardy since Rick passed away. The bed thing is funny - I don't have a problem sleeping on both sides so I sleep one week on my side and then switch to his side - that way I only have to change the sheets every 2 weeks (lol). I like having my head on his pillow. On 7/4 when I woke up at RV park where I leave our fifth wheel full-time, I went for a bike ride and just burst out crying not having him next to me. We had our first power outage last week during a thunderstorm, that was a hard one for me. I also just got me a new job at a "kinder" school in the same district. Rick would have helped me get my classroom set up, help put up bulletin boards at the old school in another town. Now I am just 9 miles from home, back in Special Ed, and the principal is a kind, older man. Lesley

It hasn't happened yet but I'm dreading the final season of Sons of Anarchy...I know not anything like Jeopardy. But we watched it every week come hell or high water. I even had a few recorded so we could watch when he was in the hospital. Now the final season approaches and I'm gonna have to watch it alone....Who will I say "Omg...did you see that?" too . Not looking forward to going it alone.

I don't eat at the table anymore. I find I can manage at a restaurant occasionally but not at home. I know that I'll get back to it but not just yet. Cooking was my job mostly and I always loved it but I lost my muse and my sous chef. About a month ago I realized I hadn't done anything in the kitchen but make salads and scramble eggs a couple of times since she died. I'm trying to get that back now, cooking classes for inspiration and actually buying food that needs to be cooked. It's begiining to work. The toughest thing for me that I avoid is going to church. She was my pastor for 17 years and Sundays are just not the same. I've been a few times so I know that'll comeback too but for now most Sundays are just the longest, sadest days of the week for me.

I don't re-arrange the furnishings in the house. My wife did all the decorating, and I'm afraid if I re-arrange or move something, I'll never get it back the way it is "supposed" to look, and it will look out-of-sorts. Fortunately, I have pictures with some of the furnishings in the background, so at least I can clean things and get them close to the way they were. Crazy, isn't it? But it drives me nuts.

My wife and I went every night after work to our local Starbucks. We talked, like to people watch, it was kinda like a decompression from the day. It took me over a year to go back to "our" Starbucks. I have since been back on a regular basis, but sometimes it is hard.

This was the fifth meeting I have been to and the first time we broke into two groups for the second hour. There was a young woman who had lost her son and she was avoiding her grandchildren because they look just like him. She also avoids and isolates herself from her family. It has been seven months and it was suggested to her to seek one on one counseling and was given references. She can use the group to supplement her personal sessions. We relented our time so that she could talk as much as she needed to.

As for me I avoided the camper!!! My husband loved camping and he was the one who drove. I am at 21 months and it took that long for me to actually go in the camper and make a decision to take the camper and go on a trip!!! I did it and I am ecstatic. My boys and I just got back from New Braunsfel and we had a blast. I had one moment when I found my husbands camping hat I called it. That brought tears to my eyes,but I was able to stop and regroup and enjoy my first outing all on my own!!! At least the driving part. I had a friend and her husband come just to make sure I didn't end up in Neverland!!!

Every time I am reading posts - it amazes me that with all of our varying backgrounds that we are all experiencing the exact same things! It comforts me to know that it's not just "me" or I think I would go crazy. Everyone says Sundays are the worst and they are for me too. I think I experienced one of the worst yesterday. Something hit me bad and I cried most of the day. Maybe it was the beautiful summer day we had - I just kept thinking we would be out doing something fun! Thank you all sharing - I think it's keeping me sane!

Being exposed to anything that has to do with cancer. For example, the commercials showing emaciated patients to get the point across that smoking is very unhealthy. I have to walk away from the television. Or, entering the hospital for any reason. I gave up volunteering in the ER, which I severely loved, because I just didn't have it in me anymore to walk through those doors. Surprisingly, I discovered that I don't miss it, so maybe it was time to back out.