This is difficult for me to explain because of our attitude with Don's health issues. From 1992 till 1994 Don had 3 heart attacks. He had a stent placed in his right coronary artery after the first attack but it closed twice and had to be reopened. Each time our life went on.
Then we went to meet with the cardiologist for the post op visit and she mentioned what are they doing about your diabetes? In shock, we asked, What diabetes? She immediately sent us to an endocrinologist who began a diabetic treatment plan including oral medication and diet and exercise. We followed it closely. Life went on.
I returned home from work one evening and Don showed me a large pear shaped lump under his arm that he had just found. Off to the doctor . It was lymphoma 18 months of chemo followed by 6 months of radiation. He was taken off the oral meds for diabetes and put on insulin due to damage to his pancreatic issues from chemo. Life went on, once again. Until he was diagnosed with lung cancer and died 10 weeks later.

Sure our life had valleys and peaks, but we took them in stride. We never considered he wouldn't survive. He always had. Until the lung cancer. We knew then it would be soon before it took his life.
We spent those last weeks doing whatever was important each day. Sometimes. when he was strong we went out. When he was weak we spent time talking. Not a minute wasted.

Is this normal? I have no idea. I know when I finally woke up to the fact that I was alone, it was unbelievable that he didn't make it. Were we in denial? I don't know that either. Or were we making the best of the time we had? The biggest thing for me is the past is the past. We can't change what happened so take care of you today.

You know, I never shared this here before. I just eliminated all the in between. Thanks for making me look at the whole picture. Sharon

I was my husband's caregiver and during the last couple of years it was like watching him die a little everyday or one cell at a time, yet each time he would rally, and as Sharon said life went on. We still talked, life carried on. Yes I did indeed know that at some point he would loose the battle, but I always choose never to dwell on that. I grieved for a lot of years since he suffered for most of his adult life, but we just adjusted to the fact that dreams we had would never be, and we were okay with that. In order for me to be a good caregiver I never allowed that grief to really surface, if that makes sense. Now I think my grief may be stronger as I let all the grief come to the surface.
Hugs, Katrina

Yes I believe I started grieving the day they told us his cancer was stage IV and there was no cure. In the five months that we fought this(and I know it really wasn't all that long) I cried almost everyday. I so wanted him to be one of those that made it at least a couple of years and had such high hopes but then reality would set in and I would cry and sink into a hole knowing he was trying as hard as he could but eventually he wouldn't make it. And to be truthful it was a relief when he finally took his last breath....I knew he wasn't in pain anymore and was up in heaven with family and friends who had passed before him. I think sometimes that is why I'm not grieving like I read others are....I did a lot of that before he actually passed. I still miss him everyday but as my daughters would say...Mom, Charlie wouldn't want you sitting around being sad...he would want you to be happy and that is what I am trying to do...not only for me but for him to.

1997 My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 bladder, prostate, urethra and partial kidney cancer. gave him 2 months and sent home to die. Another dr did surgery removed it all. Never came back. He laid in bed crying for 6 months. heart attack, lost him in surgery, he came back. Abdominal Aorta Aneurism. A blood clot saved him, second AAA, a blood clot saved him again. During ;last surgery had a Thorsiac Spinal Stroke, stayed in bed for 2 1/2 years. His mine wen. Went to another hospital, weighing 59 lbs. they ran every test, couldn't find anything wrong physically . Just before they released him, had sudden Cardiac Arrest, and died 2012....I was caregiver the whole time, while working full time, and caregiver for my Dad that whole time. Whew... Sandee

Wow, isn't it amazing how strong we were to go through what we did? I would do it over again in a heart beat though I didn't want him to suffer one more second. I have absolutely no regrets, other than the last time he didn't rally and died! I can't remember how many medical appts and trips if I added it all up. I do know that from Oct last year until he passed in April he had 37 appts. and we took 6 trips to the VA 120 miles away. His health consumed every ounce of my energy, yet I never cried once, even when I brought him home for the last time with hospice care. I just kept hoping he would turn the corner. We have definately been through the "wringer" for sure. When he passed, I begged and prayed to go with him, but that was not to be. And now as back then, I do have hope again that there will be peace and comfort, and joy in my life one day. Otherwise what is the point of leaving me behind ? Hugs and Love to all, Michele

Agree agree agree with everything that's been said! I miss him like crazy but as Michele said never knowing when the other shoe would drop was just so frightening. Doom lingered always in the back of my mind waiting for "that" day that was inevitably coming. Then it did and here I am. Still standing...sort of....so yes Michele, I think the grieving did start awhile ago, just really kept it to myself.
Love to u
Darcie

Oh Michele..

Like you our life had valleys & peaks, but Larry always survived and even when he was in hospice, I just knew he wasn't going to die.
I was so thankful that I was there for his last breath.
But his loss will be felt for the rest of my life. And as one works on healing, the heart is broken forever !!!

Take Care Joann

Ours was not a long term illness. Odd unexplainable things for a number of months, then diagnosis and operation in January with the diagnosis, Well, it is cancer. It is terminal. There is nothing we can do. That was my first cry. Then a month or so later at church I just started sobbing from the depths of my soul. But no mourning. Like a lot of you, I was the caregiver (but with Juanita, she really was her own caregiver until about 2 weeks from the end). I worked from home as much as I could, did a lot of juggling. But looking back, everything I did was reactionary. I really don't think I had any morning - we walked and talked in faith waiting for her healing to manifest in the natural. I guess the hardest part for me was seeing how she aged by years daily - she tried so hard to stay covered up so no one including me could see the devastation being done to her body. I don't know how she did it, but in 5 months, I only showered her once - the day she went to the doctor and then to the hospital to die. By that day, she looked well into her 90's. I hate cancer. It is from the pit of hell. For me, I never allowed myself to consider she might die, so I experienced no grieving before. But believe you me, I've more than made up for it afterward. God bless you ~ Scott

Ben!s diagnosis was very acute form of leukemia. He had to go through aggressive treatments to get it into remission. He decided to go for a possible cure, by having a donor stem cell transplant.

I was with Ben continually, caregiving, 24/7, even, sleeping in the same room, when he had his long hospital stays. For almost three years, it consumed our lives. We both knew he could die at any time, yet our faith was so strong, we always held on to that.
During that time, I was told by the doctors 3 times that he may not make it till morning. Even Ben's doctors couldn't understand how he could have gone through so much and still keep going. Yes I did go through grief and yet hope at the same time.

Like Scott, I absolutely Hate cancer, and what it does to a human being. I can look back on it all now and accept everything. I can honestly say, my husband is my Hero, an Amazing man.
I did lose my husband gradually. We had almost three years to prepare for the inevitable. However, I was not prepared for the Grief tha would come after!
Thanks Michele for posting on this, like Sharon, I needed to reflect on that time, too.
Love to All.......from Sandra

Yes cancer is horrible. The worst. I agree. All through Iras kidney/heart illness I always told him that it could be worse. I never said the word but he knew what I meant. It took our 15 year old niece several years ago as well as several other family members. It's a catastrophic disease. Now my best friend has it in her liver. I really pray for anyone going through it and all of you who have been through it. It's devastating. There is some hope though as I do know some who have recovered. My heart goes out to all who struggle though.
Love to all
Darcie

I am not sure that i started grieving. I know i was in shock when we got the diagnosis. Larry died 8 weeks later. I don''t think the shock wore off for months after. Hugs Patti

yes my husband had quadruple heart bypass surgery a year ago February 2014 and then never really got completely well from that and then in February 2015 was diagnosed with AML leukemia. It has been such a long hard battle for me and I do feel like I grieved for him a lot before he actually passed knowing it would happen just not sure when.
I am past the anger of it and know he was ready to go and went in peace. I am just having to adjust to being alone and not having him to talk to or share things with. I love photography it is my hobby and now I just haven't had the passion for it because he is not there to share it with me. I know it will take time but I still do cry at night because that is when I am so aware he isn't there. It is a hard road for all of us. Prayer helps me.

I am not sure that their was time for grieving when I was Ryan's caregiver. He was diagnosed off the bat with stage IV colon cancer in 2012. The first year we never thought that he wouldn't make it. If we could get thru surgery, radiation, and chemo we would be fine. We even thru a party in November to celebrate his PET scan that showed NED. Then the cancer started coming back as soon as Feb of 2013. Again he was still young and recovered beautifully from the first round of chemo and was healthy looking. We could do a few more rounds of chemo and then go have the mother of all surgeries HIPEC and he would be fine. That was September 11, 2013. In November of that year they told me his lab results from after his PET scans and his CEA had already risen just from Sept. I knew it was back and I had to tell him. He didn't want to believe it and wanted to wait and see what our oncologist at home would say. He had nodules that were so hard and you could feel thru the skin. He was re-diagnosed Feb. 14th, 2014. At this time I got a little scared but I could never show it. He was a mess. But the HIPEC surgeon told us we could do it again so we expected the chemo for awhile and then more surgery. At first there was significant improvement in the tumors from the chemo but then all of a sudden the tumors stopped responding. We went to Chicago to the surgeon and he wouldn't operate because the tumors weren't responding. That is when I knew what was going to happen. That was July of 2014. Ryan was already down so much weight and was no longer working but still I had to tell him he would be fine and that we would try some new place to look for treatment. Ryan died 12/26/14. I was his primary caregiver, wife, administrative assistant, nurse, drive and all the other chores that come along with having a sick spouse. I don't think I ever had the chance to grieve. I grieved our life and the loss of the socialness or for the fact that he couldn't get out of the house but not for him eventually dying. Until the nurse came Christmas day when the dying process started I still didn't even know it was going to happen that quickly. So I think now I am taking longer and longer to get over it because I have been in an adrenaline rush for so long that my body is just coming off of it and that the numbness and the sadness of the situation is starting to really hit me. While I still tell people that I new what was happening since July of 2014 that doesn't mean that my mind or heart accepted it and both are continuing to have a hard time accepting it.

Wanted to add something that I thought of reading your responses. When Don was diagnosed with the lymphoma I cried my eyes out. Couldn't hold it together. One of the things we did was attending a wedding. As I sat solemn at the table I saw him laughing and enjoying the wedding. It occurred to me that he was still alive and enjoying life even while fighting cancer. I had a rapid attitude adjustment and joined him enjoying life while we could. I believe that day changed my life. Sharon