I am so sorry. I have done, and do that also. And my husband never did things like that. Mine is self pity. While I am doing things I usually did, I just start crying. Nothing is going through my mind either. I clean house, then get sad. And cry. No one but me sees it, but yet I want to live clean. This is the strangest emotion I have. I figure its self pity. jmo
Sandee

We are about the same time out and just two days ago I was in the yard trying to trim bushes. Well without my husband's guidance it ended up that there really is not much left of the two mature forsythias at all. I spent the whole time out there crying my eyes out. I think it was mostly at the unfairness of the universe but I'll also admit to some self-pity. I really think we have a right to feel sorry for ourselves. This is in no way the way things should be. To go from having a close, loving relationship to this empty , lonely existence is such a horrible blow. So my feeling is, that as long as I'm not going around telling people "poor me" [I keep it to myself] and as long as I don't wallow in it constantly - it is a highly appropriate response to my world being shattered. I do believe that there will come a day when I am ready to let that self-pity go but I don't think it will be anytime soon. It may be healthier to do so - I don't know - but right now I am so sad for my husband and so sad for me. I think you are very brave to make the move you are making and I wish you well as you settle in. Hugs to you! -Deb

When I started my daily cleaning routine of our home it was often I would cry when I came to the areas of the house that were used often during my wife's battle with cancer.

Repairs around the house or improvements are very hard to do, this was something both my wife and I did, so when I had to install our air conditioner into the new windows, I was crying almost none stop. This was something my wife and I were debating about since installing the new windows last fall, what was the best way to do it, and knowing we would both come up with a way around it.

The tears I have are not self pity, the tears are brought from the loneliness, the memories, the wanting to be in the comfort of my wife's embrace, yet not able to have that, now there is nothing but the memories of her. The tears also flow due to the fear of not being with my wife, fear of the future without her.

For me, it's sad NOT doing all the things I used to do for Mary Jo -- washing and waxing her car, cleaning and oiling her sewing machine, bringing in the groceries from her car, prepping her flower garden in Spring, and just generally keeping things in good shape for her. All labors of love for me.

I guess it is sadness too. I agree, its all right to feel self pity, as long as everyone doesn't' have to hear it. With the stage we are in. Sounds like a new normal to me, for us.

Self pity is such an ugly word, we need to come up with a different word for how we are feeling. Sorrow maybe? Sandee

When you say it is soooo hard to have no back up and no one to talk to I totally and completely understand what you are saying. I miss sharing my life with wife. Today I was at the grave site and I told her I miss your touch, I miss your hugs, I miss the special things we did together. The bottom line is I miss her. Today was a horrible day for me pain wise. That raw pain we expereince when we first lost our spouse tends to creep up when we least expect it. I hate that feeling. It attacks your very being. When I cry I attribute it to grief not self pity. If it was self pity I wouldnt be wrestling with this monster called greif as much as I am. Sending you a big hug. As I have been told many times the tears help us to heal. This lack of back up leaves such a sense of emptiness I am still not sure how to work around. I think we have to accept this journey of grief is longer and more complex than it originally seemed. God bless Gerald

I think at our stage it's still grief though I don't think it matters which it is as it still hurts so much.

Gerald... I agree....really not loneliness as being alone but without that someone. You can be lonely in a group full of people. Without support don't help either.

So true Sandee. One of our poet (A de Lamartine) wrote "when one person is missing and the whole world seems depopulated". I dislike to be in a crowd because I feel so alone.

I think you are right I am entitled to sorrow, self-pity and desolation. Today was not a good day.

So sorry you had a bad day. Today was bad for me too, holidays are all bad as it makes me miss him so much. I often get upset when I have to do the things he normally did and I feel guilty that I didn't appreciate all he did at the time. I think this is all normal and the loneliness for us all makes it worse. I hate thinking about starting all over with my life after all these years.

My answer for your question is...did you lose half of you? Then it's grieving.

Grieving is our way of sorting out our lives, past and present. We HAVE to allow ourselves the chance to acknowledge all that we lost.....and it's not something that we can do overnight.

Then we have to figure out how to rebuild half of us....no easy task.

So for me self pity was allowed when needed. It's all part of the long long road that we must travel to get to where we are going.

You don't know what the road looks like, or what the destination looks like until you travel down it and get there. But guess what...once you get there...you are still moving forward and you don't get amnesia and magically forget your past life...it's always part of you...

love n hugs...
-Diana

My husband did so many day-to-day things that I took for granted. He made coffee in the morning, drove me back and forth to work, brought in the mail, took out the garbage, made the bed with me in the morning, cleaned up when (and if!) I cooked, carried things for me (I have breathing difficulties), etc., etc. Like Alipoo, I feel guilty for not having appreciated them more.

And, now, I too often cry when I'm doing these things alone. There is an element of self-pity for me, I know, because I find some of the chores difficult to perform alone because of my health issues. But there definitely is grief, too. Things that were fun -- or at least tolerable -- are so lonely to do alone. I miss his company, his support, the goofy humor he brought to mundane tasks. I even miss his grumbling about things he didn't want to do!

So grief or self-pity?? I'm not sure. But they both hurt.

DorothyJoan

My advice? Don't label it. That's where I get myself in (emotional) trouble. Our feelings are our feelings, why do we have to put them into some kind of filing system?? And what does it matter, anyway? I'm still going to get angry, frustrated, sad, upset, happy..no matter what I call it. My poor husband still gets the brunt of my feelings sometimes. I can just picture him (wherever he is) saying "whoa!",

My husband took care of all of those things. I had to go to Home Depot and was crying the whole time in the store. We would always go together and I would just follow him. Now I had to faced it alone. Never feel sorry for yourself.

I have to say that I have not found a word that totally describes this feeling we have. Yes we are grieving but not sure how you can label grief. I do have pity parties I call them. But I personally think because of our loss this all coincides together. This journey has so many stages and I know I have said this before. Even though you go full circle in one stage don't think you can't come back to that stage again. You just come back at a different level. At least that's my own experience. (I have twins and as they were growing up, you have many different stages in raising twins and just when you think you have mastered one emotional roller coaster here comes another).
I have had to go in an auto parts store and pick up something, I have had to go to a tractor supply and buy parts for my lawn mower, boy was that experience terrifying. If my husband went, I might have went twice in 26 and half years of marriage to an auto parts store. I was having panic attacks going into these places. I have to think Richard would be proud of me because I was able to go into these places and get what I needed without him. Even though it scared me half to death. And I did cry before and after I walked out. I think your husband would have been proud Papagena. God Bless Susan.