I’m very sorry for your loss and the pain you’re still in. You are not being selfish but she is. In a way I understand where she’s coming from because nobody wants to be reminded of a previous love when you are in a new relationship. However, your wife passed away and as far as I’m concerned there is a huge difference between having to deal with an ex that is still alive and one who sadly is not.
A healthy relationship consists of give and take. You accepted her boys, listen to her problems and you support her. She needs to do the same for you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you taking flowers to your wife’s resting place, feeling sad and reaching out to your gf for a little compassion and love. Absolutely nothing wrong with it! You should have pictures of your wife and the life you shared together. Does she expect you to throw them in the trash? If so then you need to tell her to trash everything she has including pictures of her boys ever since they are a reminder of her ex who is still around. My goodness, I’m sorry but I’m getting mad thinking about her irrational behavior.
She needs to realize all the great things you are doing for her and let me just tell you taking on somebody else’s teenagers???!!!! Well hats off to you!!!! She is a very lucky woman to have met you. Don’t let her diminish the love you shared with your wife or the grief you’re still in. So what! What does it take away from her? Nothing! You are not selfish, you are normal.
I wish you the best with this woman. Don’t feel torn and don’t hide your feelings. Be your authentic self and if she can’t accept the good, the bad, the happy, the sad the pretty, the ugly and so on then she’s not worth your time.

Totally agree with MeineLiebe. Even if she hasn't lost a spouse normal compassion should set in. Maybe show her this post for a reaction.

Jealousy is a terrible thing, even when it is directed at someones memories, so sorry !

The one thing that is a huge red flag for me is your family, (her not wanting you to stay in touch) do not disconnect with them!
Family is Family,
I hope you find away to resolve her reactions, it is so senseless.

My partner buys me flowers some years on the anniversary of my late husband death.

I can’t stop thinking about your post. Sunlove … thank your for pointing out jealousy and his family. I tried to figure out what her problem is and yes, jealousy makes perfect sense. It’s like she expects for his past life and current family situation to be wiped out. She wants to start on a clean blank slate with this man which is absurd. Everybody has a past and a current life which includes family and often loss whether it is due to divorce or death. It’s funny though how she expects him to be perfectly fine with her current family situation. I’m sure having to deal with her ex and teenage sons is not always a ton of fun but he deals with it all.
Kennymel - The world could use a lot more men like you. From your post you sound like a truly decent caring man and you deserve someone just as kind as yourself. PLEASE don’t let this woman interfere with your family or the way you need to grief the loss of your late wife or the love you will always carry in your heart for her. Don’t change who you are. She has no idea what strength it takes to move forward after losing a loved one. How difficult it is to let someone new in, to open your heart to love someone else after you lost the love of your life. Shame on her for not seeing any of this, for not feeling your pain, for not offering any type of comfort. Shame on her for taking your kindness and love for granted. I don’t think you have to have lost someone in order to be kind and understanding. I don’t know what is wrong with some people… it’s just sad and disappointing.

I truly hate to say this, but I feel she is very immature. There is no reason why you can't continue to grieve your loss. Our loved one is and always will be in our hearts. That will never change. You are doing nothing wrong. I wonder if you had a discussion with her about how your first wife was and is so much a part of who you are and that there isn't any competition between your first wife and your new partner. They are very different. I'm guessing she feels very insecure. Perhaps a few sessions with a therapist as a couple might help. In my opinion, she is being unreasonable. For me, that would be a deal breaker unless things changed.

It strikes me that you are still in deep depression, even approaching denial, regarding the loss of your wife. You are still close to her family, her pictures are throughout your house, and your words reveal the pain in your heart. I completely understand the sadness and loneliness you have expressed having been in your shoes, but I would suggest to you that you have moved too fast in trying to remedy those heart-wrenching emotions. Your actions are not uncommon among grieving widowers. The very fact that you have written to this site with the glaring perspective of regret imbedded in your words tells me that you realize you may have moved too fast. I would think that if you really loved and respected your new partner, she would have advanced beyond the not-so-flattering reference "gf".

BunBun has given you thoughtful advice. Sit down together and have a face-to-face discussion about this elephant in the room. There may be a happy resolution to this dilemma for both of you. Don't let the matter fester and just hope it will resolve itself. Elephants have long memories.

Ty happyparkers,
And to everyone who has taken the time to comment.

Dating in our 50’s means we are a bit bruised by life.
Divorce… widowhood etc…We each were yes.
And in my desire for companionship I admit I may have dated too soon as did she. And that Yes I did bring baggage into our relationship and in her desire as a nurse to move me along into healing, which I appreciate it’s created issues to which I play a role. I appreciate your thoughtful words. And agree communication is the key and I will take your advice. Thank you.

Thank you to everyone for your time and your thoughtful comments. After reflection I did want to add that each persons heart heals at its own pace. Her desire to go faster was met with my desire to go slow. This lead to difficulty. That’s no ones fault.
Just circumstances.
I appreciate her willingness to date this broken hearted widower and try her best. She had recently gone through a difficult divorce and was very hesitant to trust in men. It was her second divorce. I totally Understand. Yes she needed a lot of reassurance … more then I was able to give. And as a top notch nurse her assessment skills are sharp.
So together we crossed life’s mine field each wanting to go at a different pace…each very sensitive to certain things… .. and now almost 5 years later we are still together. We’ve been through a lot. I am very proud of us both. I know we have each come a long long way. Her children are doing very well and I love them with all my heart. My hope is we can truly forgive each other and ourselves and feel gratitude for all we’ve done for each other. But as I’ve learned hearts heal at their own pace. Hers and mine. I think discussing it openly with a tone of understanding and love is always the answer.
Thank you everyone for your time and for your thoughtful comments. Each comment has helped me gain perspective.
Thank you

And for the sake of clarity I have only left 3 pictures of my late wife up in the room that was her former studio. My living room has no pictures of my late wife and has many pictures my new partner and pictures of her children. My reference to her as my “gf” is in part due to the fact that she has broken up with me many times including recently and that she refers to us as friends now. As for dating too soon I acknowledge that as a factor and ask When do we know it’s time? All one can do is try and see how your heart feels. I have no regrets. I believed in her and she believed in me. We both wanted to try. I also believe in the power of love helping each of us heal and grow stronger. I wanted to try with her. Yes It’s a bumpy road dating after divorce and widowhood and it requires empathy and compassion, patience and understanding. There are many challenges. All one can do is try, and in doing so measure how ones heart feels. Together we’ve come a long ways. My hope is via talking we can gain understanding and forgive each other, accept our differences and be grateful for all each other has done. It’s a lot. Pardon my metaphor but I compare it to a running race, like being a runner who has a prosthetic leg. It’s hard to be as fast and just finishing the race is a great achievement. Maybe even greater then the runner who wins the race on 2 healthy legs. Yes we each have a “limp” and are trying our best.
I’m very proud of her and of us both. Thank you for all your input, thoughts and effort to help me gain understanding. I appreciate you all. This site is of great value. Many thanks.

My SO and I sat down and talked about our relationship issues. I expressed my awareness of my role in our difficulties. ie My need to go at my pace and how it made her feel. I thanked her for helping me move forward and how it took great courage on her part and patience. I acknowledged that in the 2 years of supporting my late wife’s battle with cancer and the 10 years prior to supporting her battle with colitis we became isolated. Colitis/IBS can be a slow moving yet very debilitating disease. So even though the person might look ok, they are not much of the time. That’s the nature of GI issues. They can be very limiting. And my late wife was very strong and did not like to complain and with the use of probiotics and diet she managed it very well. Or so it seemed. It did cause us to gradually adjust our lifestyle and limited our socializing more and more over time. Anyone who has faced this disease understands. So in retrospect I was more limited then I had even realized. I expressed this to her and thanked her for pushing me forward. Many times it was against my will. I know that was frustrating. Now I’m back out doing everything and anything. Thank you I told her.
She became upset at me and replied “there you go again telling me about your pain. You really need to leave me out of this and start healing your own pain. I have no empathy for people who don’t take my advice, and why did you have to tell me this?” She said.

I was shocked. I had just poured my heart out to her and complimented her.
Yes I am very open and I do lean into my loved ones for support.
Is this me?
Is this me being too needy? Again I’m used to leaning into my loved ones for support. Her family is not. She says doing that is weakness and so her families way makes them stronger. I disagree. I believe it takes great strength to open up, to trust and to reveal our weaknesses.
Her reply was upsetting to me.
Is this me?
Am I the weak one?
Is it fair to use this against me?
Maybe it’s just a difference in perspective and I’m over- reacting?
Or is this a lack of empathy?

She’s a GI nurse. I know she knows how debilitating this disease is … where is the compassion?
I find it upsetting and cold. Even if I am guilty of going “too slow” for someone else’s standards I’m human. There is no bad intent.
Yes I was very isolated. It was my wife’s journey to end of her life and I wanted to honor her wishes not my own. It was her path to choose.
No life is not fair.
But I would hate myself if I chose my late wife to take my approach to end of life.
I did what I would want my partner to do for me. Love me unconditionally through sickness and in health,
I’m finding it all very hard to understand. Does anyone?
Any advice?
Recently I’ve joined a local grieving group and am finding it very helpful.
I guess it’s hard for someone to understand what they’ve never experienced.
It all makes me very sad.
What should I do?

It is your decision but if it was me I would "cut the cord". Some people think having empathy and being vulnerable is a weakness. It takes strength to be vulnerable and to open up. I don't think she will "get it". You need someone who you can share openly with and have a mutually supportive relationship. Good luck!

Oh, my. Your wife passed in 2016 and the two or you have been together for almost five years. That's not a lot of time to grieve and absorb the loss. The grief group is long overdue, Good for you for taking that step.

I guess as a nurse, she is seeing loss of life and health every day. I suppose if she got emotionally involved she wouldn't be able to function. Still, she seems pretty cold. I don't talk a lot about *missing* my late husband, but he was an alcoholic, and as much as I loved him, I was very close to divorcing him when he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. My consort doesn't talk a lot about his ex-wife (who sadly passed about a year ago) but we did attend her funeral. Actually, I hadn't buried Late Husband when Consort and I met (it had been a couple years, his urn was in the spare room). Consort was the one who called the VFW and arranged for them to come to his interment.

But it's not something I ask for a lot of support with. He doesn't, either. I had been widowed about three years when we met, and he'd been divorced about five years. What troubles me is her disparaging your relationship with your family and wishing that to end. If a man was estranging his wife/gf from her family, people would be murmuring about possible abuse, wouldn't they?

I don't think either one of you is wrong, It would seem as if you're not well matched. You have very different relationship styles, it looks like.

I didn’t realize you’ve been with this lady for so long. Maybe just maybe you needed more time to grieve on your own. All of us who have experienced this type of loss need to work through our own grief in our own time. Nobody else can pull you out of it. For me it was a bit easier because I wasn’t planning on staying with him thanks to all of the crap he brought into my life with his lies. And then come to find out even more huge lies and deceptions after he passed away. I decided that he had wasted enough time of my life and in a way didn’t deserve months/years of me grieving him. I cried enough over him when he was alive and a lot when he passed away. I can’t change what happened but I can change how to live my life now. Honestly, we did have some nice times and I have a lot of fond memories, he is the father of my only son BUT he just wan’t the right man for me. I put up with a lot of his garbage and looking back on it I question myself why… Why did I allow this man to make me feel so miserable? To say because I loved him sounds beyond stupid. We all need to love ourselves the most. Never allow another person to put you down, to doubt yourself, to take and take and hardly ever give something in return or to lie to you and make a fool out of you.
When you know, you know….. I knew but I was in denial and I ended up getting hurt the most by the one person who claimed to love me the most. Maybe he did but he sure had a funny way of showing it, especially at the end of his life. Sadly there are some shitty people in this world. It would be nice if they all stuck together and left the good ones to be with the good ones. So now I know what I know and I’m never going to be in denial again. I’m one of the good ones and I’m so grateful that my husband is as well. No more doubts, anger, rage, anxiety, sadness, loneliness but most importantly lies for me. I hope you’ll find your true match because I don’t think this lady is the one for you. I’m sorry you are still struggling with the loss of your wife and having to deal with this difficult relationship. When you know you know …. I think you know

kennyMel,
My heart goes out to you. I agree with previous replies in that you need to take time for you. It has not been that long since you lost your beloved wife. You need time to grieve, and grieving takes lots of time. If you choose to be with someone, you need someone who will understand and support your need to grieve. Don't give up "your family" for someone who does not understand the pain of losing someone to death. Keep posting here for support; find a grief group or a grief counselor. Prayers that you will find your way in taking one day at a time. Roxanne

kennymel -I don't think she gets it at all. She doesn't understand the profound nature of losing your SPOUSE. That loss is unique. You are not weak...to the contrary, you have shown great strength in pulling yourself up from the despair that grief can present. As far as a timeline for dating....I don't judge, although I have read men tend to go back to dating much, much faster than women.

You sound like an outstanding spouse, in sickness and health. That caregiving is trauma. I know. And grief has its own timeline and stays with you forever, but changes as we grow and adapt it into our lives. What I see from what you wrote is a lack of compassion that is dearly needed, and a lack of empathy. It may be her nature, but your grief journey will always be a part of you, no matter how much she doesn't want to hear about it. If it were me, I would want a supportive partner who could demonstrate understanding and compassion when I had those days when the tears returned. You can still have a good relationship as a widow and be happy; I do believe that, but you will always have your loved one with you. And wouldn't it be nice if she could honor your late wife and include her in perhaps a small way in your new relationship? A photo, or permission to grieve with a sympathetic ear to help you through a weepy day. I hope you will post again when you feel you need support.