you will ,rick, you will

you will ,rick, you will

I think all the factors mattered. But I think perspective matters the most.
Have a watch on this TedTalk video here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juET61B1P98

Perspective, or complicated VS uncomplicated grief?

Met1974 why not msg nebby and ask

I'm thinking brain surgeon.

Rick, you asked if, in time, that “loneliness becomes a dominant force...creating motivation for change.” It can for many people. The raw pain of loss can ease over time and loneliness can fill the voids left by it. Many of us widows become quite adept at isolating ourselves. Odd as it may seem, we find a sort of strange comfort there in our aloneness. The feelings we experience there tie us to our past. Try as we might though, we just can’t live comfortably in the past. Trying to stay there keeps us in a place I like to call the “Pit of Despair”. It’s dark there but it’s a place we can stay connected to our past with chains forged from the pain of our loss. We didn’t want to lose what we had so we do what we can to stay in the warm but painful darkness of that place. In my experience it was easier. For quit a while it was easier to stay there than to climb up out of that pit. Oh, I had to climb out from time to time to go out into this life to get the things I needed to sustain my lifestyle there in the pit; food, drink, etc. And on those outings I met people, people that didn’t see me as the pitiful creature I’d become. Over time I found that I could smile a little and even laugh once in a while and the loneliness faded a little each time I did. I found myself a little less lonely with each of these interactions. Eventually I found myself with one and then several new friends. I found I could share my past with them. Very quickly memories of the joy of my past came out to supplant the pain of my loss. By living this life I hadn’t lost all the good things I’d experienced as I’d imagined for they were an integral part of me. Was it easy? Did I have to fake it every once in a while? No and yes. I found I had to roll up my sleeves and work at it. I had to keep my eyes open for the positives, for the bright spots. I had to work for it. No surprise really. Every good thing in my life before had required effort on my part. This life is no different in that aspect. Over time that work became easier. With each find the bright spots became brighter and easier to see. I found my self in a place of happiness and it felt so good feeling good again. Looking back I can see that the pain and loneliness truly were my motivation for change. Combined with perseverance and perspiration I was able to make the changes I needed and experience this life and the good things it offers in ways and with people I could never have imagined.

Your questions on this forum remind me of the questions I asked in the past. My advice to you is keep asking questions and don’t be afraid to roll up your sleeves and try some things that might seem uncomfortable at first. Look for opportunities to go and do and meet people, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Keep your eyes open for bright spots a take some chances. Also, don’t be discouraged if you have a setback or failure now and again. As always, they come with the territory. They’re just bumps along the road really. There is a good life beyond the grief and loneliness. Trust me. If I can find it, anyone can.

Peace and ((hugs)),
~John

Thank you John and Judy.

Perspective, or attitude in the event of a loss. Complicated grief is just a term coined that describes a small portion of us let the sadness of grief severely deteriorates our ability to live day to day, which most of us aren't.

One of the Grandma's in the scenario could have been suffering from complicated grief which may have directly influenced her perspective. Is it the chicken or the egg.

I see it as a spiral rather than cause and effect. When you expect things to go in a certain way, you act according to that expectation, which provides that result you expected, which reinforces the belief.

I can't see million dollar business founders to do the things to become successful only after they are successful. And most of them don't get to have that discipline and drive unless they believe in what they do.

Does crippling grief change your expectations, or do expectations change your grief?

The crippling grief changed my relationship towards my relationship with my love. I can love her in and from my memory of her. It changed the way I have to support myself and really chose things that are worthwhile to spend my energy on. I expect myself to have to live with this grief for the rest of my life.

I also expect I am bigger than grief and will have a life despite of it. It doesn't need to be the end of my life and happiness. And being happy in the moment doesn't need to be holding hands or kissing or leaning against each other. I don't think changing grief is the appropriate them; it's more like I'm unlinking it from being the forefront of my life.