Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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mikeinok 12/02/2014

Thank you all,
I come here almost everyday for strength and inspiration to continue this journey. I don't post often but I lost Cindy, my best friend, soulmate, and wife in March 2013 to a very sudden illness. We were married for 4 years.

Grief overwhelms with unbelievable physical and emotional pain. Grief like a total destruction tsunami that will not recede before pulling back only the least bit.I thought I was losing my mind. I reached out to a counselor and then found all of you here at DS.

Today I canceled the service on Cindy's cell phone. I knew it would be hard. I would give everything to see that number light up my phone again. She had a lot of friends before I knew her, I kept her phone so I could tell them about her.

My counselor told me that from the time that we are a child that life is about change and learning to let go and move on. I closed my wife's estate but I kept delaying canceling her cell phone service.

Letting go......one of most difficult things that life presents us to deal with...the first gift I gave her was a musical jewelry box engraved with "Forever and Ever I Love You"...

I would not have been able to keep moving forward without all of you here at DS. I thought that this would be a meltdown for sure but you all give me the strength to continue.

Thank you....... Each and every one of you!

aloneishard 12/02/2014

I hear you Mike.
I lost my wife in August of 2013 after a short illness. Like you, I come here every day. Reading what others have to say just seems to validate my own feelings. It is ok, to not be ok, and then it becomes ok to want to be ok again. In the middle of that none of us know what ok is supposed to look like. We are, or at least I am a confused lot. The letting go process is so hard when we desperately want to hang on.
Anyhow I tend to ramble now days, just wanted to say Me too.
Martin

gerald222 12/02/2014

Just wanted to say me too. Ok or not ok and what it really looks like. It is quite a process. Gerry

soalone2to1 12/03/2014

What is about the darn cell phone? I couldn't cancell my husbands either even though he wasn't glued to it like most of us. I broke down just thinking about canceling it. Guess it was the letting go part I was fighting too. Finally did cancell it as a way to cut the bill because money is tight. One day I just up and sold it to one of those online phone buy sites. ( yes I did wipe it ,reset it first) everything in its time, but I will never ever completely let go of him. He is etched in my heart forever.

soalone2to1 12/03/2014

Oops! I so meant to day darn cell phone. No glasses on can't see and can't type either. Sooooo sorry.

tlsom 12/03/2014

Thank you for this post. It took me 15 months to cancel my husband's cell phone number. Each time I thought about doing it, I broke down because it was losing another part of him. Recently he/I received an email from Facebook that his phone number was now in use by someone else. That too just broke my heart. It is dumb that 'stuff' bothers us so much. Or at least I feel it is dumb that stuff bothers me. Keeping his cell phone didn't bring him back to me but I couldn't let it go either. I guess it is just another step in this journey.

MJ46 12/03/2014

I kept my wife's cell phone service for about a year just to call it and hear her voice on the message when I felt I needed it. Each time I let go of something I can't help feeling a little guilty about moving on even though I know I do want to feel happy again and make something if the rest of my life.

cliffskat 12/03/2014

Mike, you're right - all that letting go - and doing it bit by bit - each thing hurts. I had to keep some things going in his name until I sold the house, which I just did - 7 years later. And even then, it was weird and sad to have to close out those last remaining bits. Who else in the whole wide world would get emotional over closing out an electric company account??!? To anyone else it would sound ridiculous, but not among us, so I feel you about the phone. My phone number went to my sister for a time while she lived in our house, but I was so sad when the voice-mail was finally cleared of Cliff's answering message. Little stuff that means a lot to no one but us.

I am glad you are doing okay, and glad that DS has been helpful for you.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

npc4204 12/03/2014

At almost 5 months I still have my husband's cell phone and his clothes ... I can't bear to part with his things.

BrokenGeo 12/03/2014

Hi Mike;
I don't reply to posts much anymore let alone post, but once in awhile something comes up that catches my attention and this is one of those.
I've posted quote this several times in the past when this subject comes up. It may seem rather blunt and harsh but it gets to the point quickly, (which I prefer anyway).

"Letting go is the central theme of this life. We can either agree with its great lesson and learn to release our resistance to unwanted moments... or cling and cry, and continue serving a suffering that changes nothing". (Author Unknown)

As I've also said in the past, personally, I'm still struggling (probably like all of us) with the truth and wisdom of it but the stark reality of the message in this quote is certainly valid.

Best Regards, George

deleted_user 12/03/2014

Fortunately I did some of the hard stuff - cell cancelling, going through personal effects, etc. while my brain was shut off. Still numb but thankful that heart wrenching tedial stuff is done.

Back to the cell phone - I was worried I hadn't any recent sounds of my wife's voice. I was in MY cell phone, tapped the voice mail button, and at the bottom of all the recents is the "deleted voice mails" button. I found voice mails going back a year and there they were.

Jeff-Bolen 12/03/2014

The cell phone is one of those really personal items that they held and talked into and used every day. We have always had iphones and ipads and just before my wife got sick she upgraded to a 4s and gave me her old 4 to use as an ipod. I still have that and treasure it. I gave her 4s to my son as he needed a new phone. He has since upgraded but kept her old phone and uses it as I do as an ipod. I still have her ipad 2 beside my bed and use it as a clock. It is just as she left it. I pick it up once in a while to look at her facebook, her mail, and notes etc. I see a couple of little nicks and dents on the edge and remember when she dropped it and almost broke it. I will never get rid of these things. It's just a little connection to her.

rebl3157 12/03/2014

I'm at 5 months and still have his Iphone too. The service still on, I will part with it someday, I can't right now. Although I do feel better some days, there are days when I just want to SCREAM to the top of my lungs. I wish there was a place to go and do that without someone calling the guys in the little white coats.

onward1 12/03/2014

Paul and I have had our cell phone numbers since the 80's. They are 1 number off of each other. I cancelled my sons phone & gave Paul's number to him. I couldn't stand the thought of some stranger getting his number. Our daughter has his iPhone(because she broke her phone). Also, I can look back and read text messages between us from before he was sick. I sure miss his sense of humor and wittiness.

Rainbow27 12/04/2014

I still have my husband's cell phone too. I was able to record messages he left for me through a special app from the Apple store, so have his messages on two laptops and my ipad. talk about not letting go!!!

Shrn 12/04/2014

In my early days of loss I treasured everything from our life together. I needed them as a tool for what I felt was lost. Now, at over 7 years of adjustments I have the peace of knowing that I don't have to have the physical reminders of our life together because a part of him will always be with me. My life is built on the experiences of our life together and has taken on a life of it's own but never can the past be erased. We build new with what we have treasured and learn the lessons we've experienced . Sharon

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