Did you're mother go through this? You know, I noticed some people struggle for something to say. Even very close relatives. Sometimes I feel for them when they are trying to give me words of comfort. I just want to say "it's ok, Thank you" I keep hearing that it's a blessing she went in her sleep like she did. But I think it's not a blessing she passed at 53 for crying out loud! But I don't say anything because I don't want them to know it bothered me when they say that. Sometimes I feel so cranky and pissed off at the world. Take care Marylking, hugs to you.

Yes jdpq she was married to my father for 65 years, he passed away 2 years ago at age 85 they had 11 children and she has lost 6 of them also. I don't say anything either, because as you said it is not meant to hurt us but oh my gosh some days it is so difficult over look it.
You take care also, I truly am looking forward to January 7th when I return to AZ.

you know. She probably thought this as a comfort to loosing her loved ones, along the way. And thought it would comfort you also. At 87 years old, she doesn't think clear. This may be the last time you get to spend time with her. Please look past those words. She loves you.

I agree with Sandee, she was trying to offer comfort, and I can see how it would hurt too. Like when the Pastor told me I wasn't married to her anymore. She was with God. Meant for comfort but, misses the mark. Enjoy what good you can with her. You are a strong woman. Hang in.
Best to you,
Jeff

I absolutely looked past her words. I treasure my Mom and that is exactly why I prayed for patience. Thanks for your advice... I just don't see that dying at 49 is better than 85... Or not getting to be 50 is good...

I wish all the time I had been more patient with my Mom, I was thinking today of things we could have done together while I still had her. She died 2 years ago at age 70. My brother and I reminisce and cry about her sometimes, and he's commented more than once that he likes to spend time together because he can see her in me. I am sure it's all the things that drove me crazy that he enjoys most. You are so wise to treasure your Mom. Sending you some extra patience, that I must have since I didn't use it. ((()))

I was also guilty of trying to be positive without a clue of what the person was going through. I regret it now, but my heart was doing what I thought was good. I hope that count for something. Sharon

Mary, I will keep you in my prayers for strength and patience. Your mother has sure suffered a lot of losses - as obviously have you, too - and I guess the impact of those losses was to try to find anything positive in it. I would have had a hard time with that comment, too. Perhaps she was feeling that because she has lived longer than your Dad; I turned 56 this year and Cliff died at 55, and it just felt wrong on so many levels. Grief does such strange things to one's thoughts and emotions....

I guess it is another of those things that people say that they shouldn't. One of the worst for me came from an old and dear friend who commented that he was sure that the way Cliff died was how he wanted to go. Cliff died in my arms with me screaming and in front of our sons. The 3 of us were completely traumatized by his death. So while my friend thought it would be a nice thing to say, he had no clue whatsoever the level of anguish Cliff's death and its manner had caused. I had to just let it go...

Love and Hugs,
Martha

This kind of reminds me of "Peggy Sue Got Married" ( 1986 Katheeen Turner and Nick Cage ). Kathleen, who is probably in her 40's in the movie get transported back in time to when she is in high school. The scene that touches me is that when she is in her house her parents are there ( and had already died in her future life ). When she sees her mom she just hugs her.

I guess I remember that because I lost my parents in 1981 and 1983 ( f$&king cancer ) and would have loved some more time with my parents. My parents were good people, but they did not always do the right thing ( neither attended my wedding even though it was in the same city - racism runs deep ). I've come to accept that they did the best that they could ( some areas were stronger than others ).

So, I guess what I'm saying is that even though your parents can and do bad things, they usually have your best interests at heart.

I compliment Mary on being able to see this even now. Of course it's easier to give her an open pass because she is 87 :)

I sympathise with you on this. I love my mother but my patience was thin (I am not a patient person in any case but I make an exception with my mother, I contain myself). I know she did not know the impact of a words. She told me that it was lucky (?) my husband died quickly (?), a few days later she told me that she was grieving for my husband much more than I did (in that instance my brother was present and was quick to point out to me that I only was the widow, whilst SHE was the MIL!). Finally and that recently, she told me that she thought my life was now over and I should not nurture any idea of a new life at MY age.

I have generally a good sense of humour and I decided to take all this as some instance of her not knowing what to say and instead of saying nothing, she just says what comes first to her lips, without bypassing her head.

We only have one mother and we have to love and respect them even in the most trying circumstances. And deep down I know she definitely has my interests at heart and that she too is grieving for she loved my husband too. Mothers.... Patience, patience and patience again.

Your mother is much older than mine has suffered significant loss where mine has not...but they are cut from the same cloth. I wonder if it is a mother/daughter thing. My mother has made multiple comments that have just stopped me in my tracks. The day after my husband passed I was crying and saying how much he loved me and she said "don't worry there will be someone else." Are you kidding me? Then when I told her how I thought my husband was "hot" and anyone else I see that is 51 is not...she told me that I needed to look in the mirror before I judged. I don't say anything but I have stopped taking my mother's calls. I just don't have the strength....

Mary, you're a wise woman, you did the best you could.
My god-mother, who is my closest living relative, she is my heart, and now that she's 87, well, let me tell you what she did in the name of honest communication. She told me that she knew my husband's thoughts better than I did. They understood each other, and then told me all the things she didn't like about me in his name.
What could I do; I hung up the phone, glad I could easily escape. But for being so secure in his love and approval of me, I would have been hurt. I realized my loving aunt had become an eccentric old lady. I admire you for handling a hard situation. God bless, Trici

My mom was 93 when I lost her to f$%#&g cancer(according to Bob) in Sept 2012. Up until she fell and broke her hip, I took her shopping twice a week, to Drs appts, etc, for the entire time after she crashed her car. She took care of my kids for years, while my husband and I worked. So I was a good daughter helping her out, like she did for me. Yes, my patience wore thin too. Looking back, I wish I could apologize to her for that. I could have been better at listening to her. She was so non-judgmental, never a harsh word ever came out of her mouth. I hope to be like her. I am learning. Take care....Patricia

Thanks once again for your kind words, and sharing the memories of your Mom's. I am very blessed to have such a wonderful Mom, she is very much like your Mom Patricia, no judging, no harsh words, gentle and kind. I listen to her stories and have always admired her and her strength and faith. I too can only hope I am 1/2 the person she is. God bless everyone... I am gaining patience from all of you again thank you very much!
Best wishes and hugs,
Mary

My mother was not a mother she was a mom. She loved and cared for everyone. Even the hobos( that's what she called them) that walked the tracks. As she got older, she would call and not really have a lot to say. I was so busy with children, husband, job and school. I would always cut her off. and tell her that I would talk to her later.
She died 7 years ago. I wish that I could talk to her. She would have been able to help my son. She would have been able to put my husband's death in prospective. I miss her everyday. I wish that I was 1/2 the mother and grandmother that she was. I still cry when I see here picture. Love you mom.