Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I'm 65 and looking forward, trying to figure out what goals I have for myself as I age. In my mind, my life is done. Marriage, check. Kids, check. Career, check. Physically able to accomplish a lot of do-it-yourself projects.
Now, I don't like to drive at night. I will not start out on a driving trip by myself although we had wanted to that, to tour the US after retiring. Climbing ladders is not a good idea for me because I now have a little balance problem. All our life's projects have been done (buying property, fixing it up), buying (then selling) a retirement home we hoped to live in near his family. I have trouble with foot pain, fatigue, digestion problems. I've just been diagnosed with early diabetes, which is a whole new world of confusing information. I am working on all these problems with my doctors.
There are so many things I'd love to do, but it it too late in my life and I couldn't do them alone,anyway.
I just can't figure out any goals for the rest of my life other than loving my kids and grands and volunteering a little. I feel like a useless, worn-out old hag, although I don't look it. Looks are deceiving.
What are your ideas about goals for 70's and 80's?
Now, I don't like to drive at night. I will not start out on a driving trip by myself although we had wanted to that, to tour the US after retiring. Climbing ladders is not a good idea for me because I now have a little balance problem. All our life's projects have been done (buying property, fixing it up), buying (then selling) a retirement home we hoped to live in near his family. I have trouble with foot pain, fatigue, digestion problems. I've just been diagnosed with early diabetes, which is a whole new world of confusing information. I am working on all these problems with my doctors.
There are so many things I'd love to do, but it it too late in my life and I couldn't do them alone,anyway.
I just can't figure out any goals for the rest of my life other than loving my kids and grands and volunteering a little. I feel like a useless, worn-out old hag, although I don't look it. Looks are deceiving.
What are your ideas about goals for 70's and 80's?
No definite goals for me (not sure if that's a good or bad thing) unless it would be to leave an upright example for our children and grandchildren.
For my own personal wishes, I sure enjoy road trips to interesting and/or relaxing places (although Disney World is my best-of-the-best place to visit).
I am part of a pool tournament two times a week, and enjoy the camaraderie with the people. I learned to play pool as a youngster. My dad had a pool table in our basement and often shot a couple of games when he would come home from a hard day's work. Great memories made while a dad taught his young daughter how to play 8-ball.
Since my retirement, I have given myself permission to 'hit the road' when it's doable. Often it's a spur of the moment decision, texting or calling our daughters to tell them their mom is headed for whatever destination tickled my fancy at that time. Also, I've formed some wonderful friendships with fellow DSers via our Gatherings, and we've enjoyed a few road trips together.
I'm not fond of flying; I've never gone on a cruise or tried sailing; however, Kirk, if you decide to take the sailboat out for any DSers, I wouldn't mind giving that a try. My husband would have been proud of me when I agreed to take my first flight. I sure wish he would have been there to give me that little smile of approval. The flight didn't thrill me, but it was time to conquer that fear (with some hesitation, I must admit). I've learned 'never to say never.' Loran, just tell us where your rock band will be playing. We DSers can be a fun-loving audience!
May we DSers become comfortable doing a few things on our bucket list that we normally would have given a cursory nod! Blessings to all. TJ
I don't think you're mixed up at all but only searching for answers to a survivor's common questions.
With our loss, we have had to take a good look at ourselves, our future, and our own expectations. Those expectations get confused with what we THINK are the expectations of others as well as expectations from our past. Those expectations no longer apply to our new world of singleness. We've shared our life with a spouse and children; with the dual roles we've done what needed to be done, what helped our families, and what brought happiness and contentment to the family unit. Now, after our loss, it is like we are searching in the dark, groping to find landmarks that in reality are no longer there.
I think guilt is an early by-product of our loss of routine and constancy. We assume we should continue on just as before, but that is usually the furthest from the truth. For our lives now we must focus on the Current and not on the Before. I don't know if that makes any sense, because we will forever have our loved one with us in memory; however, our lives will no longer resemble the Before. We will make adjustments, discover new outlets that will in some degree be fulfilling, we finally will allow ourselves to map another path than that which we were on with our spouse.
After the intense grief has subsided, we all arrive at that point of discovery. At first it seems abnormal and a bit selfish, but in reality it's part of our moving forward. We don't turn into a self-centered being but realize it's a part of our emotional nourishment. Don't be overly concerned with goal-setting or what you can't do. Focus on what brings contentment and a quiet assurance to your life. You will discover who you are becoming in due time, and you will learn some really neat things about yourself along the way. Blessings to you as you give yourself permission to grow into your new future. TJ
If you have a "gut" feeling (not a guilt feeling) of something you comes up that you might like to try, be brave and take that first step. Listen to the still small voice. Good luck and peaceful days.