Myself and our combined children made all of the arrangements. My husband and I had talked about death a lot having lost so many close people during the 12 years we were together, including both his parents and my father.

I knew his wishes so no one went against anything that I was sure about. We had the same minister that married us. We did a song that my husband loved.

My husband had originally wanted to be creamated and only a graveside service, but I had talked to him about how the service was for the people grieving to begin the process of accepting that the person was gone and I thought it should be at the funeral home. He had finally agreed back when he had lost his mother that he would want to do that.

The only resistance I had was his sister didn't think the funeral home was big enough and thought maybe a church or just graveside service so everyone would fit, and his x wifes family wanted to take care of the dinner after the service....which I politely declined. I did not want his x wife welcoming everyone after the service. I felt it was not her place and she usually would place herself in the middle of things like that.

Friends of my husband made a replica, (of the race car that my husband had built for his children) urn. We had the honor guard and flag because my husband was a war veteran, and I had a person play two songs with bagpipes. One was "amazing grace."

After we had a pot luck dinner. I was in a total fog during most of it. I have at least one picture of everything except the people....that would not have been respectful.

My sister in law was right, there were over 350 people there and some were outside on the porch. Everyone could hear the service however and there were three rooms full of seats so most people were sitting. I am still glad that I did not have it at a church or the cemetary. It was cold and bitter so we would have not had so many of the people that came. My husband hated long churchy services. So his was very short.

I picked out two hearts on black granite for our head stone. I had a nature picture (a log cabin and two deer eating at a lake) engraved on one heart and our last name with a cross and rose on the other. Underneath there is a picture of the two of us at the ocean with 'together forever' engraved underneath. It has two rings on top of our picture...then of course our names on each corner. My husband is buried right next to my father with space for me between the two of them someday.

It was all so so hard....but I felt that it went just exactly the way that my husband would have wanted it.

I am so glad that my husband had insisted on keeping his insurance because without it, I would not have been able to do any of what we did. My husband was certain he would not live past 60. He was right, I was wrong.

My husband told me his final wishes, but then said that ultimatly the final decision was up to me and what our financial situation was at the time. He didn't want me to spend everything we had just to "Put him in the ground". I did cremate him, which was all that I could do. I am getting pressure from others as which cemetary I will bury him, but I have to wait until the money is saved to give him the graveside service that he deserves. I didn't realize that the cemetary cost so much.
As far as the service, I was in no shape to take care of details. My Brother in Law (His brother) took care of all the details. I told him what I wanted and he gave his opinion on certain things, but he ultimatly went with what I wanted. I know that I didn't feel in charge because his family has a couple of members that feel that they have to be in charge of everything everyone does. Overall, I am very happy with the service and how it went.
I think it helps to have someone take care of all the details because in my case, I was and still am in shock right now and to plan anything other than what it takes to get through day to day is to much for me.
Hope this helps and feel free to message me if you need to talk more.

Sorry to hear that, in-laws can be very what's the word, insensitive at times. I let them have no part in Gerardo's funeral arrangements. It was not hard since they never offered. Better that way, because I wanted total control. Gerardo wanted to be cremated and after that he said whatever I wanted to do. So yeah, that is my position. I hope you do not dwell to much on things that can not be changed. Let it go and know that he spent his 15 years with you. That is all that matters. Take care. : )

I had a well planned memorial service for Robert since he was cremated, I had some time to get things together and plan. With help and suggestions from my minister and close friends(mainly two). Most of the songs,the program set up, handbell choir playing was hand picked by myself. I had the ultimate say with some assistance. My older son played Amazing grace on the bass guitar and I had a song sung to my boys as a dedication from their father to them "Climb every Mountain'. A church friend made a CD of photos of my husband that was to play at the memorial but the projector didn't work so that was th =e only flaw. I had load of photos and plaques in the lounge. My mother in law and brother in law said early on that I was doing what I wanted to do with the service and though I kept asking them if they had a special hymn or saying that they would like to read or have read they kept saying no. I had 3 friends speak one of which was a childhood friend of my husband who flew all the way from Texas to be with us.It was a beautiful service.

My wife's funersl was beautiful. We chose the plot together in a little cemetery out of the city where our littlle cottage is located. A wealthy aunt kindly offered to help with the expense and she covered 70%, my parents offered to pay the rest. I accepted as things are tight after DW's illness and hospitalisation. The cildren and I were in charge and nobody else tried to interfere. We generally do not have "viewings" in in Anglo Aussie culture, so we declined. DW had chosen her favorite hymns as we discussed this early on when she was alomost fatally ill. I managed to speak well and two of the children did too. I listened to the file the other night for the firs time as therapy. I am reading a great book on grieving and it suggested you do this. Very hard and many tears but fellt better afterwards.

Even though I was the one who knew my partner's wishes, since we weren't married his family just totally took over, never asking my opinion. They had a two day "viewing" of his body, even though Mike wanted to be cremated and would've completely hated people viewing his dead body. They had a slide show with rock and roll music at the wake. Pictures everywhere. It took on overtones of a party at times. He is buried 4 1/2 hours away from me. His brother even went so far as to tell me that there would be "no discussion" about certain issues when I tried to express what Mike had expressed to me.

I tried to take solace where I could, and left that funeral at the very first second possible.

Joe and I discussed this over the years. No service, he said. He was cremated, per his wishes. Two months later I had a beach memorial service, with his kids, and all the grandkids in tow. His family totally went with my wishes - after the service, I apologized to his son for not introducing them. I remember he said to me, lovingly, "this was all about you." The strange thing - surfing through all our stuff on the computer (this was Joe's domain)- I found Willmaker, done by him 5 years ago. Everything he wanted, was what I did - and I didn't even realize it at the time, down to putting some of his ashes (with a shot) in a bottle of Jack Daniels - they went in the ocean. Laura, at the time, we're so fragile emotionally, and I think letting your sister in law kind of take over might have been kind of relieving in a way - although now, that you've had time to think about it, it may play out in your mind differently. But you know the saying that funerals and memorial services are for the living? Stan was your love, and what's in your heart and the love you had together are what's important. Hugs, marsha

My husband was creamated and we did have a memorial service for him...While my husband was alive we discussed it, and decided that his brother had a much better idea of "memorial service etiquette" I paid for the creamation and service and his brother put togeather the most beautiful service with nieces and nephews involved in the gospel readings, a few speakers including my father....I was very pleased with the music and everything he chose for his brother....My brother in law spent many weeks putting it togeather prior to my husbands death and the love that he had for his brother was just so evident in that service..

I'm sure it's not unusual that the sort of thing you describe happens. You're vulnerable, and there are competing interests.

I was fortunate in that it was my wife who was the force of nature ... she planned her own funeral down to nearly the last detail and arranged everything in advance. I even had a checklist of things to make happen; I didn't really have to think about it. It also helped that she only had about a half dozen close relatives, myself and my children included. There wasn't that many people to have butt-kicking contests with, and we all wanted to respect her wishes. So the whole thing came off to my liking (and hers, it'd be safe to say). She would have been very gratified at how well her old colleagues and classmates remembered her, and how many took the trouble to pay their respects.

My husband died suddenly in our apartment in Chicago on New Years eve. I was in shock and unable to think or sleep. Family and friends pitched in to help. The family (immediate and extended) flew in to Chicago for a small service at a funeral home. We had to wait for a release from the medical examiner so there was a lot of time to prepare(it was a holiday weekend). The kids put together a video of pictures from his childhood to present with his favorite music in the background (this included Bob Dylan, The Beatles to name a few). Pulling together the video was helpful to the grown kids to process what had happened. At the funeral home , the minister who married us spoke and then our family just told stories and shared memories. After this service he was cremated. We all flew to New York. Our New York neighbors helped us plan a memorial at a beautiful retreat on long island sound. We played the video of him with music and served wine and cheese in this beautiful candlelight retreat. The next day we had a small memorial with his sons leading the service Family, friends and business associates got up and told stories. Afterwards we had a luncheon. I remember thinking how pleased he would have been and upset would have been to to miss this party in his honor. I still have the ashes but we plan to spread them over the water in locations where our family members reside which include Chicago, Rhode Island, New York, San Fransisco, SanDiego, Milwaukee and Madison. I think I will be ready in the spring.