I planned my husband's viewing and funeral, with the support of his sister. I even chose our plot alone. It was what I/we believed Dick would have wanted. He only ever expressed that he wanted to be cremated and buried in the same cemetery as his family. I'm sorry I can't help more, but his sister and I jointly decided as far as services were concerned.

I was in no shape to plan my husbands memorial. Since he wanted to be cremated, I was verry worried about how to pay for the cremation. I am very lucky I found a service here in my town that helps people that have no money pay for the cremation, in that I was blessed. My son had Tshirts made for the service with my husbands pic on it and alot of family helped out and paid for thiers. I was very luck tht my Daughter in laws church took care of the memorial service for us. I let the kids do as much in the service that they could do. I could not do it. In all it turned out pretty good and im sure he would be proud of us.

My husband had told me, before the cancer, that he didn't want to be buried in the cementary where I buried him. We have a small farm and he wanted to be buried there. When I checked it out, it would take a lot of time - up to two years - and lots of money/attorney fees, etc. to do it. I couldn't afford it. It really bothers me, but during his illness he never mentioned it. I know this wasn't what he wanted but I had to make peace with doing what I had to do. I did choose the casket that I am sure he would have approved of, he was a carpenter and I choose Oak. As my son said, you don't put a steel lid on a carpenter.

The minister and where to have the service were also issues. I made the decisions but I wish now I would have done things differently.

As far as being included, no one kept a seat for me at the funeral dinner. Again the minister issue came up and while I was dealing with that, everyone sat down. When I went to sit, I had no seat and went to the clear back and no one sat with me from either family. The only one from his family that came to talk to me was a brother that only wanted to know why I buried him where I did. I was by that time almost in complete shock, just short of passing out 3 times that day and didn't think much about it til later. His family took pictures in the hall and posed outside for family pictures. Luckily I didn't know about that until this past weekend.

We all unfornately know that we can not rewind the clock and go back. And I have many regrets and wish I would have done things differently. Try to make peace within yourself. Only you will be hurt by keeping the pain going within you. My mother - my dad died in 1963 - still brings up all the bad that happened to my dad because of his family and it's eaten her up, kept her bitter. I refuse to allow that to happen to me. I hope!

As far as the funeral went, I was overall happy with it. We have 6 children between us (1 is a brother that we raised) All were at the funeral home to make the arrangements,. I really knew what I wanted, and our children were taught enough respect that no one questioned anything I did. I wish that I would of done the obituary differently, but can't change it now.

I still have issues with the place of burial, but still have the option of moving him. The grave digger told me it's done all the time, only takes about 2,500.00. I'm still debating that, so as a result I haven't done anything for a headstone yet.

His family knows me well enough after 30 years, to stay out of my way. I don't stick my nose into their business, I don't expect anyone to stick their noses into mine. And that doesn't imply that we don't get along. There are just certain lines in the sand and if I need someones opinion I will ask for it.

My husband died on a Saturday, The cremation was to take place the folllowing Thursday, with the placing of the ashes in the niche the following Saturday. My stepson and his wife insisted on a "gathering" at the house on the Wed. before the cremation so they could have "closure" and go to an air show in Reno. I thought it was dreadful since the cremation had not taken place. Oh! yes and they left for a birthday party 3 hours after my husband died. I thought the whole thing was unforgivable. I am glad my husband was not here to see how disrespectful his one son and family were, plus the younger son refused to attend unless I paid for his transportation. I refused. Guess I did not have too much control.

I planned the whole funeral, based on what I knew and filled in what was best for me and our children.
The person that gave me the most grief was the minister! The minister that married us came into town to do the service, the one that was presently preaching at the church is the one that had a problem with my choices of songs, etc - it was unreal! She said the service should be more "uplifting" as opposed to sentimental - I said the service is a tribute to my husband's LIFE! So, I had a song sung that was sung at our wedding (by the same singer), a song that he sang to our children and one that was meaningful to ME and I stuck with my choices, too, damn it. I'm not sure where I got my strength, but it wasn't from that minister, almost like a bullying, they are used to calling the shots, I guess?
I ended up being firm and telling her how the service was to be run, when I look back at it, now I wish I would've cut her completely from the service and just asked how much it would be to use the church!
Long story short, I basically got what I wanted. My children were pleased, so that's all that matters. It was so difficult, we all do the best we can.

Take care,
AJ

My 3 kids took care of a lot of it but took me along for the important stuff. I appreciated them so much for it as they were grieving too! The doctor put me on xanxax and I was in a fog don't ever want to take it again.

The funeral was exactly as I planned it but the burial of the ashes was
another story. The burial of the ashes was 3 months after the funeral.
She is buried in a small town about 600 miles from where we live but that is what she wanted. My sister-in-law took over the planning for that inviting everyone she could think of. The burial was set for 2:00pm and she decided she should be at the cemetery for 1:20 to greet people. I tried to tell her it was not the social of the year. Oh yes she even took over from the funeral director with the digging of the hole.

Everything went as planned, except I was so disappointed with the viewing of my husband. He always had a tan but the cosmetician put make up on him that made him look white!! How sad. I'm sorry I didn't ask if they could correct it. Too late now. Benie

I think it's shameful that 15 years didn't seem to count for much in your husband's family's view. I would try to not dwell on their actions though. You can't change them and you are the one that had the wonderful husband to remember. You say that you were satisfied over all which will be good for you to think back on.

I know for a fact I was in shock during all of preparations and leading up to the viewing and funeral. I don't remember many of the details mostly because I wasn't sleeping and couldn't eat and I'm sure a person's body just basically functions while in shock. Everyone later said "how strong" I was and because of that they all think I'll be just fine....

For whatever reason, the viewing was 5 days after he was killed with the funeral the following morning. (I was told it was because the mortician was trying to make my husband presentable - we ultimately had a closed casket anyway - and there were 5 deaths in our town within a few days of my husband's which must have kept the funeral home too busy?) It did give family time to get here (everyone is at least 2000 miles away).

As I think back on the details I do remember, over all I think my husband would have been accepting of what I chose to do. He was such a private man that all of the attention would have been horrifying to him so being pleased would have been a stretch. I remember praying and asking the LORD to help me to plan what He wanted and what T would have liked. I give all the credit to the LORD because I just remember writing down words and details and the next thing I knew we were having the funeral and the obituary was written. I spent a lot of time in the middle of the night, by myself on my front porch, crying and praying and writing. During the day, the house had never been so full of people, the phone never stopped ringing and I can't remember many details about anything during the daytime hours. We had lots of out-of-town company staying at our home as well as with friends and fortunately they just started serving food and cleaning up the kitchen and doing laundry and cleaning the bathrooms and answering the phone and doing whatever else needed done. I do know that I went through 33 years worth of pictures to try to put together 2 memory boards that a friend brought for me. That seemed to be such an emotional journey that I'm sure I relived our entire life together in the 5 days it took me to do that. I cried a lot and tried to be alone when I was going through the pictures. Everyone wanted to help me but how could they?

My step-daughter helped me some with some choices of things for the viewing and my daughter put together a power-point of my husband's favorite one-liners and funny family words that we all used as well as T's favorite music. Everyone kept telling me we could do whatever we wanted so that's pretty much what I did. We had the funeral at our favorite camping spot 45 miles from town and there was quite a procession of cars going there. It couldn't have been a more perfect day weather wise. I asked the pall bearers to put T's casket on the ground which I know shocked some people. But those that knew him well told me that the service was him through and through and I agreed with them. A friend who is a Rabbi did the service and said just the right words. We all released 55 brown balloons at the end. The funeral was a good reference point for us to remember.

My husband's siblings finally decided to come but didn't see us but 15 minutes while they were here. His brother actually stopped by Vegas on the way which caused him to miss the viewing but just barely made it for the funeral. I wasn't surprised by anything they did. My step-son did some embarrasing things while he was here and caused me some extra pain but other than that I think I will have contentment knowing I did my best as a last tribute and celebration of life for the wonderful man that was my husband.

I planned everything myself...picked out the urn, picked out the photos to show at the chapel - I even picked out the music to play. It was beautiful. 2 of our friends gave eulogies that had people laughing and crying. Once person told me afterward that although she didn't know Jim well - she found that she really liked him after listening to his memorial. I think he would have been so pleased and honored. I still have his ashes with me - I'm not ready to spread them at his chosen place. I suppose that will come in time

I took control. I had never been the dominate partner in our relationship, but I knew him the best. My trouble started when his family wanted to keep him alive on machines and I knew with ever fiber of my being he would not have wanted that. So made the doctors bring all the family together and tell and show them Seve ws not going to wake up or get better. My children went with me to pick out the cemetary plots and to the funeral director's but I made the decisions. My children and my mother-in-law helped with the pictures for the power-point but I picked the music. My mother-in-law did not like much about what I did from where I burieed him, to the music, to what I dressed him in. Steve had always said he did not want a viewing, because he did not want people looking at him, but I always told him i was having one because I felt the viewing was for the survivors not for the deceased.

I do not remember how I did it all. I don't remember many people from the viewing or the funeral, but the director told me it was the largest private funeral he had done in 30 years. I do know I stood next ot his casket for 6 hours that night. The next morning I remember walking into the church and the honor gaurd saluting me and kissing him good bye and the next thingI remember is the Honor guard captain handing me the flag then the next thing was retunring back to work 3 days later. I don't remember anything else. Every one I talk to says it was beautifukl and such a tribute to his life, but some how I still miss him to much to appreciate that right now.

I so sorry about the rambling...

Thank you all for your comments so far. Compared to some of you, my husband's funeral did go very smoothly. I think what hit me again, thinking back, is how his family remembered him one way, and his friends and I remembered him another way. I'm talking long-time friends of 20 or more years. I think we actually knew him better in many ways than his family did. You can tell I am still angry at my sister-in-law, for a lot of problems over the years,and I know I need to let that go; most of the time I succeed but sometimes it just bothers me all over again. Thanks for sharing, and the encouragment. laurabp

All of my family showed up. None of his did. But that was nothing unusual. I planned it all with our son and my sister at my side. We took his favorite hat, his fishing pole, tackle box, carpentry tools and his bass guitar. But I remember little of the funeral itself. I still have his ashes on his dresser at home. Need to take them back to New Orleans some day. I did have a memorial video made of him with several of his favorite songs. I know he would have loved that.

I planned the funeral for my husband and included his daughter and our son in making the final arrangements. I felt no one else needed to be involved. I had a viewing at his home town for the relatives that could not make the trip and than I brought him home for the final viewing, funeral and burial.