I am so sorry, that you have lost your husband, had to learn these aweful things about him, and now his family is turning on you.

Just one of these things is horrible enough to endure, but all three at once, I am sure is overwhelming.

I don't know why they would turn on you, other than that they can't or don't want to face that thier son, brother, would do such a thing, and it is easier for them to blame you and make it your fault.

Trust me it isn't your fault, he made the decision to do these things, and that rests with him and him alone.

I am glad that you have found it in your heart to forgive him, for his poor choices, it is very difficult to do and I am sure you will be a better person for it.

I know that it is difficult to go through the first Holidays, with out our spouse, parther, significant other, and that is expounded when we are alone, and are unable to seek comfort from our family and friends. There are many of us that will be alone during this season, and we understand how you feel.

Try to stay strong, be sure to take some time for you and definately remember to take care of your self.

Again, I am sorry you are going through this.

Wow, being a forgiving person does not make you a horrible person by any means. In fact it puts you heads above those that would make this your fault. I have no words on how you should handle this awful situation but I would not hang your head or feel guilt about any of it. Being left alone during the upcoming holidays is going to be tough for all of us and I am sorry you are dealing with this without much support but you have friends in this group that will be here if you need us. Take care. ~Pete

I'm so sorry that you're going through such pain. It's bad enough that you're suffering the loss of your mate but to have family turn their backs at this time adds another layer to your suffering. And, to find out that your mate was dishonest with you is beyond the pale. Bobby was so wrong!!!!

The holidays are pressure enough for us to feel happy, settled and filled with good spirit. It can be tough on those of us who are filled with disenchantment and distress.

I swear only folks who have suffered the loss of a mate can truly understand the complexity of our feelings right now. And, they should cut you some slack. Bobby's family is being totally and absolutely UNFAIR to you.

Stay home, call Marie Calendars [if you have one of their restaurant's close to you] and order a Thanksgiving meal for 4. Have your own Thanksgiving, with yourself, you'll have wonderful leftovers for the next few days and won't have false sympathy from people who obviously don't think much about you or your feelings.

You're going to be okay. You are NOT a horrible person. Keep your friends and your job. You've got all of us behind you too.

Roz

Why people can drop us during our time of greatest need, am nowhere near understanding. It is something inside them.
I just want you to know that you are not the only one who is grieving and then blasted with family abandonment.
It is very cruel, and I know how much it hurts.

I wonder if your husbands family is going through an anger phase in their grief, and just lashing out at you? That sucks though, and is absolutely horrible of them.
For them to think you are grieving too long is absurd. They have no idea. I wouldnt give them the time of day.
My stepdaughters and brother-in-law are sort of treating me the same way. I was happily married to their father/brother for 14 years...and yet they are now saying Why should she get all his money?"

I'm sorry you're going through this. Not only are you grieving for the loss of your husband now you find out about his secret. It sounds like his family is in denial, when people die, we humans automatically give the deceased a set of angel wings and put them on pedestal. Give them time to come around, in the mean time I suggest limiting your contact with them if they make you feel bad about yourself and are negative.

Antonella

The best you can do is care for yourself. This is my life too. People expected me to get going with my life shortly after my husband died and I am still having problems adjusting. All of them still have their loved ones around them. What do they know? I had a lot to forgive with my husband too and I'm sorry you have to go through this. It is very devastating and unfair to have this happen, don't let anyone tell you it's not.

While I can never fully understand exactly how you are feeling, I can only hope that with my story, you can find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone and you will survive this.

My husband of 20 years died 18 months ago. He was an alcoholic who literally drank himself to death. The last few years were horrible. As he drank more, the more abusive he became.

His last year was spent alone as after he hit our teenage son, it took me less than 5 days to pack and move. He followed me and settled in an apartment right down the road. He found himself girlfriend after girlfriend, all of whom left him within a few weeks after finding out his true self. Although we were separated, I still tended to his every need as after 20 years together, I loved this man more than anything, but I just couldn't help him anymore. I tried, but you can't force someone to get help when they don't want it.

When he died, everyone gathered in the hospital. He was alone in his apartment and his body finally gave out. By the time they found him, he had gone over 14 minutes without oxygen and was declared brain dead. As his wife, I had to make the decision to turn off life support. For over a year I was blamed for his death. According to his family, it was all my fault. They claimed because I made him so miserable, he drank. I kicked him out, so he drank more. I made him cheat because I left him. If I wasn't such a horrible person, he would still be alive, they said. It was all my fault. They blasted it on facebook to everyone and anyone and even had the audacity to call Child Protective Services to say I was a horrible mother who killed her husband.

It's taken me a long time to process all that has happened. These were people that had been in my life for over 20 years. The holidays, the bbqs, the births of my children, all those life events, they were a part of them. We loved each other, so I thought, and when I lost him, I was completely blown away that they could desert me and his children. They didn't see him as an alcoholic or an abuser or as a cheater. He was the victim because I was apparently the worst wife in the world.

After almost two years, I have learned that all that anger, blame and hatred has nothing to do with me. It was so hard to rise above, but I've learned that everyone grieves differently and these people, rather than search inside themselves for possible reasons as to why he committed suicide in the first place, it was so much easier to place their anger on me so they didn't have to feel guilt or believe that my husband was actually not as angelic as they wanted to think. In their eyes, he could do no wrong so I was the devil who ruined their perfect world and family.

A few of them have called me. I am cordial and polite and the only thing I say to them now is "The kids and I are doing just fine." I have nothing left to say to them. Even understanding their grief, I myself, can not forget how they treated me. I have learned to accept it and I know that it is their loss, not mine. I believe in time they will realize the errors of their ways, but for me and the kids, it's too late now. It was hard. It was hurtful. It was mean. But I survived, just as I did when he died. And although it will never seem like the way it was, I am comforted knowing that it was them. Not me! I have learned to let go of my anger towards them and for that, I am a better person because of it.

I hope one day you will be able to release your hurt and anger because at the end of the day, those feelings do no good for you. You are in my prayers and thoughts. You will be okay!
With love ~ Sunny.

I'm so sorry with whAt your going through. Hugs Carla. Keep your chin up. You haven't done anything wrong.

Sunny,
Thank you so much for sharing such an intimate story. I so appreciate your candor with us.

I wish you happiness and hope that your children and you are surviving each day with grace and love for each other.

It was so brave of you to make the moves that you made for the survival of you and your children. You have wonderful instincts.

I wish you well,
Roz

I'm sorry his famly is being that way with you. My husband's only family other than us, his brother, I've cut ties with.
My husband also had some ugly secrets that surfaced in his last week before his alcohol-related accident (mid-life crisis stuff, alcoholism). All we can do is accept & forgive.

I am not sure what to say to make this devastating situation any easier. But I will say that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Loss of one is bad enough but to be turned on is so much worse. It never ceases to amaze me how people need someone to blame in an unexplainable situation. They believe that it makes theor grief easier I guess.

I hope you find peace within yourself and grieve in your own way and time. We support you.

Oh dear! What an awful thing to find out while you are grieving the loss of your husband only to find out about his 'secret life'. For his family to turn on you is just wrong. Perhaps this speaks to the dynamic of how they are handling his loss? In any event, I'm sorry you are going through this. These are the times I am glad there is an online support group to turn to. Sending you Love and Light.
-Becca

The heartbreak of loss seems never ending. Did anyone ever realize our lives were hanging on such a thin thread. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I understand how much it hurts. My SIL once referred to some of her feelings as front brain, back brain, front being her memory of a caring and loving man, and back knowing there was a darker side. I have always appreciated that she said that and I very, very seldom talk to her back brain. My advice is to not talk to people who can't show that kind of empathy. I've read it on this board, you have to be ruthless. Letting go is so hard to do but that is what you'll end up doing anyway. For the holidays, is there someone from Ohio you could invite, someone that is also facing a lonely time? I know that's probably a shot in the dark. I wish you better days ahead and vent as often as you want to.
Hugs,
Jean