Randall, I am so sorry for your loss. When the loss is sudden as yours was, there is no time to prepare at all. I can't imagine how hard that must be. Also, having to wait such a long time for autopsy results keeps you in limbo as far as having your questions answered as to what happened. Holidays are difficult, all of them for the first year. I found that after the first year it was not nearly as painful. I am thinking of you and all others on this site who are new in their grief. We who have ben done this road a bit longer can at least give you hope that you will survive. Right now that's probably all you are hoping for. I hope that you will be with some loved ones tomorrow who know you will need lots of hugs to get through this first holiday. I wish you the very best.

When you feel too tired to put on a brave face and are exhausted by the well meaning comments of friends and family, leave and spend some time alone where you can grieve and cry. I went to a hotel that we had both loved to stay in and vegged out over a weekend by myself. I slept and watched big screen tv and slept some more. I was exhausted with all the decisions I had had to make and it was nice to be just a stranger in a hotel where no one knew me. It allowed me to think clearly without all the well meaning advice and decide what I needed to do and not do. Learn to say No when you don't feel like going somewhere or doing something that the family or friends insist will make you feel better. You will learn what you can and can't handle. Be kind to yourself, it is not "we" any more just "me"! I am sorry you lost your wife, my husband was 58.

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died suddenly 24 weeks ago. That must seem like a long time to you.

I hope you just grab on to what ever faith you have for things are going to get very hard.

I have had much support here, look out for yourself, for the wolves are lurking at the door.

Peace to you
Dually

Randall, I am so sorry that you too have lost your other half. I am myself 50 years old and I lost my husband three years and 7 months ago. I often wonder what my husband would have done if he was the one left trying to pick up the pieces of his life after losing me. I often feel like I am doing this (surviving and learning how to rebuild my life) for him because I know how hard it is.

At first it was unbearable. I came here often and I held on for dear life to the people who had been here longer than me and said that it does get bearable some day. Those guiding stars gave me hope. I too now can tell you that it does get bearable some day.

I would say that with this being so soon after your loss, you now are still in the (initial shock) numb auto pilot stage. I numbly walked around and "did" what needed to be done, months and years later not remembering any of it.

The first Thanksgiving was brutal! I put on a happy face as much as I could and my daugther came here and made the meal because I couldn't even think myself. Most of the children and grand children came over and my heart ached!! I ended up going to the bedroom and telling my children that I just couldn't "do this" and I wished it was me that died instead. I cried for the rest of the day.

At this point the key words are: "survival and take care of you." You need to remember to eat when you can eat and sleep when you can sleep and take care of yourself medically...because early on we forget ourselves.

People ask how to survive early on and the only answers are to breathe....place one foot in front of the other and take one baby step at a time. Please allow yourself to feel what you feel and cry when you need to cry and know that it is okay. It does get bearable! I promise!

Please come here often for support.

hugs...
-Diana

Thank you all for the kind words and advise. My family was supportive and all meant well, but I did excuse myself early and spent some time alone. I don't think I would have done that without your advice and it was good to have some time to grieve and cry by myself. Im just trying to keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other right now. Hopefully I have learned a little more about surviving Christmas (it was my wife's favorite holiday). We were together for 27 years and never had any children, but have a lot of nieces and nephews to help celebrate with. Again I really appreciate all of the kind words and I'm finding this site very helpful. I am still planning on finding a grief counselor. I wish you all the best and hope that I will be able to help others survive their loss as time goes on.

Randall,

Good advice given to you by all of those who have replied.

One thing that wasn't mentioned is that if/when you start feeling like you're crazy - you're not. I was numb for the first 2 months (my Darrell died on Valentine's Day this year) and just walked around in a sort of daze, handling the death certificate, cremation, etc. Good thing, because when the numbness wore off - pow! I felt like I had been body-slammed by Arnold Schwarzenegger! Crying, sobbing, entire meltdowns that often found me flung across my bed or on the floor, curled up in a ball, wishing I, too, could die - just to stop the pain. And, for the next several months, although they were fewer, these "fits" hit me.

But, things DO get better. At 9 months, I can smile - a lot - and actually belly-laugh. I'm growing into the new me and I quite like who I'm becoming. Still have some tears that sometimes hit at the oddest times, but they are manageable.

As Diana said, most important thing at this stage of your grief is to be sure to breathe. You may have to concentrate on it, which seems weird, since it is something we normally do without thinking. Just remember that you have been traumatized and your body is in shock. Things that we did automatically before will have to get jump-started once again.

And, while you travel through this grief process, come here as much as you can. We each have different details as to why we're here, but we all have one thing in common: we have lost our spouses and are hurting. Whatever our status on this journey, we can all lend a shoulder, hand or ear to another. And, we will cheer as we wave goodby to the graduates who move on from this website into the "real" world again because one day that will be me or you.

Hugs,
Terry