Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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cajones 08/22/2015

Yesterday I went back to work. My family has a little shop in a little town. I'm the one who runs it for the most part while I wait to find a real job. I graduated from college in May and I'm taking another year in order to get my certificate so this helps pay some of my bills. It was hard being back. The drive into town had me in tears because Saturday, the day before the accident we were here to drop some things off to my parents who were running the store due to it being Pirates and Wenches Weekend. We walked around and we were so happy we ran into some of his friends that he hadn't seen since high school. It was a good silly day. Yesterday was the first day I had been around people since his memorial service and I didn't like it. I hated pretending like I'm okay when I talk to people because I'm not. I think I managed to do pretty well that was until I had to go out front to have dinner. My dad came to relieve me and so that he could look at the cars. On the 3rd Friday of every month there is a car show on Main Street. We usually keep the shop open late and the restaurant out front keeps a table reserved for us. Being here was hard enough and I had made it through the day with on one I knew coming in except for a few people who have shops around us and the guy who owns the restaurant, but the thought of being out front makes me anxious. I tried getting out of it but It was no use. I sat on the street feeling anxious and scared but trying not show it and when I made it back to my truck, I lost it.

dschwartz 08/22/2015

I think we've all experienced similar . . either going back to work, or simply going to town . . reminders and triggers abound. The fact is that you put yourself out there! Give yourself credit and a pat on the back for this . . it took a lot of courage! As for finding yourself weeping or losing it in the truck, yup . . we've all been there too! Just wanted to acknowledge your post and let you know that you are not alone. We do get it here. Keep sharing and we'll be listening. Hang in there. Hugs, D

Shrn 08/22/2015

I was the same after returning to work. I had the need to run. I don't know where I would run to, maybe just never stop running. Sharon

jenniferalves 08/22/2015

First day back is always the hardest. I just wanted to run back home and crawl into bed. I do admit work does become a good distraction for a few hours, and that does help. This is so new to all of us. Hang in there

joec85 08/23/2015

I went back to work 2 weeks ago (I took off 2 weeks prior). The first day was by far the hardest day. So many coworkers coming up to talk to me and pay their condolences. There were many times I had to walk outside and sit in my car to try to gather myself and stop crying. I just couldn't sit still or focus the whole day. It has gotten a bit easier, but I am always thinking of her. You are not alone.

lmj90 08/24/2015

you are brave. You did it and thats great. your first of many firsts. I went back to work way too early. I listened to everyone else and not myself. Your feeling of uneasiness are normal and there will be many more. For some going back is a good distraction but for me it was torture. Be proud of yourself for taking this step. Each step is a step further into the journey.

Lisastp 08/24/2015

You are so brave! I agree with everyone here. Working with the public while you are so sad and grieving is almost an impossible charade, but I do urge you to keep trying because for me keeping busy with work has been one of my anchors in keeping myself emotionally stable. Yes, you need time each day to grieve and let it out, and I learned to take time (even five minutes) when I'm upset and let it out.

You are so young to be going through this awful part of life. Try if you can to hold on to that memory of that weekend you described where you and your husband saw some old friends and had a really good weekend. Something so vivid and positive can be a really important focus for you when you're feeling really bad.

deleted_user 08/24/2015

I remember looking at my desk, chair, file cabinets and NOTHING looked familiar....I had had a life changing experience, I stayed home in a fog for two weeks. I was still in a fog [actually, it's been 28 months since Morey passed and there's still a bit of a fog over me!]

NOTHING will ever be same ever again.

I totally understand and wish you peaceful and easier days ahead!

Roz

Shrn 08/24/2015

I think I should add. I took off a month after Don died before returning to work. After two weeks there I gave notice and left. First, I was receiving Social Security widow's benefits and my retirement income so financially I was able. I was only working part time. I just want you to know the decision to work is a personal one and one only you can make. Keeping busy wasn't working for me. I needed time for me to figure out how I would best deal with the rest of my life without him. Sharon

ptorres 08/25/2015

I agree that it took courage for you to put yourself out there. After 5 months of being back at work I still get anxious by the end of the day and just have to get the hell out of here. I am a salaried IT employee and am expected to work overtime if need be but just can't get past that anxiety at days end. I am ok most of the day but find myself needing to get home to my animals and hide from the world. It's been 6 months since Amy died and everyone at work seems to think I am or should be business as usual. Ain't happening at least not yet. Best wishes to you. ~Pete

jeanatds 08/25/2015

Hi Allie, Going back to work for me was probably the most vulnerable I've ever felt. Having to act like I was even remotely the same person that left work on a regular day four or so weeks before. You did what most of us do, pretend and see that people are watching you like a hawk, that you're in a fish bowl. It's no surprise you lost it once you back at the truck, it's awful already and the stress from being so anxious needs to be released. You did great, and you came here where you don't have to pretend, also great.
Hugs,
Jean

shaneslove 08/25/2015

Hugs to you. I still cannot think about "working" like I did before, and I worked from home. Even going to town is too stressful most days.

cajones 08/25/2015

Unfortunately I don't have a choice but I have to go back. Trent was the breadwinner, I usually made enough to pay my tuition payments and some of the car payment he took care of credit cards, rent, cell phone, car insurance and groceries. I don't get any social security because he hadn't worked for 10 years. I am fortunate enough that his insurance will pick up all his medical bills, I don't know what I would do then. I just want to thank everyone for there support I know we all are going through this but it helps having your support. Not a lot of people around me know what I'm going through.

letmehelpyou 08/25/2015

You did it and you should be proud of yourself! I went back to work way to early. My husband died early Thursday morning, I was back in on Friday to solve a crisis, which took me about an hour. I went back to work on Monday, took Tuesday off to arrange for the funeral, worked Wednesday, Thursday, took Friday off to do more funeral arrangements, had the funeral Saturday, went back to work on Monday. It is all a total blur, I functioned as best I could but found a new job within a year. I just needed a fresh start. Looking back I should have taken at least two weeks off for myself, but at the time I thought if I held still, the earth would envelope me and I would never break free. Please just be kind to yourself.
Hugs,
Val

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