I too am at 2 1/2 years. And yes, life does get better again - not like it was...never like it was, and I hate to use this term "New Life", but we do move into a new life. Absolutely right, Laura, there is no time line on grief. It takes as long as it takes. I know those of you who are recently widowed can't fathom being happy again. I was there too. Those first months....year... are about as low as a person can feel. Just know we are here to lend support where ever we can.

~Loran

i would like to think i am getting to that point, slowly maybe, but getting there....i miss richard terribly, but am trying to settle in and live my life, in a new way....its been a little bit over two years now. i just am having a lot of trouble getting motivated to do anything....going places alone, besides the usual shopping, it really hard, and most times i just don't. i too, still wear my wedding ring, along with his too...just feels comfortable, and its what i am used to as well. ...i dont plan on meeting anyone, but i am lonely..so all i can say is we will see what happens...i guess. im only 59, and the thought of living the rest of my life totally alone, scares me a lot.. someday, perhaps i will be at peace with everything..

I do understand where you are coming from. I am no where near your place on the grief ladder at 10 months. My inlaws told me they were done grieving about a month after the funeral and I was to never mention Mike's name to them again. I, like Loran, hate the New Life term. My new life isn't so different from the old one except that I have to do it all myself now. There are still diapers to change, meals to make, houses to sell and a business to run; all on my own.

Maggie

I'm nearly at 4 years.

Advice for the newly widowed?

Don't make any big decisions for at least 18 months - longer if you can allow it.

Anniversaries, first and second year are very hard.

The pain gradually lessens.It takes longer than anyone else who has not been through it feels it should take.

The grieving process is not linear - it's like a windy country road, you'll find yourself almost back where you started at times but really you are moving forward.

You may have thought before you lost yout partner you would never be alone. You may now believe you will never not be alone. That may also change.

Unless you are 98 never say never - to anything.

Maggie - I wish I could meet your inlaws. I have met a lot of "different" people - and some who weren't all there - but - what can I say. Did they have a terrible relationship with their son - or is there something we're not seeing??

Laura - nice to hear your positive comments. I think when we can begin to envision our "different" life that things begin to get easier.

I agree to all of you.....I too am at 2+ years. I am starting to appreciate the above motto....never say never....when it relates to this new life.
It is different and alot like learning how to ride a bike all over again...it's just without a partner to cheer you on or help with your ego when you need it the most.
My advice, allow the grief to happen and use the tears as a marker of how hard you cry now vs. a year or 2 from now. It isn't the end of the world yet, as time does keep ticking away.
Great post, Laura!
Kate

Maggie I was thinking how awful for you to have inlaws like that....maybe we should have a new word for those types..unlaws...
I am going into year 2...and as it approaches, the emotions are up and down.... lots of crying the past 2 weeks...to the new ones..everyone grieves differently....I still wear my wedding rings and l consider my self married unto death do me part too...it is a one day at a time jounrey...it hurts deeply and there is no way around the pain...you have to go through it...I seek God several times a day to help me through the pain...just hang in there,,,Debbie

Thanks, Laura, for sharing where you are at now, after 2-1/2 years. I too am finding the second anniversaries so much harder than the first. I've been suffering from a touch of recurrent depression, but it isn't the black, looming, helpless depression of the past.

I've learned that it is possible for a woman to live alone and take care of herself. I've run my own snow blower, painted my own garage door, and even been into the attic to see why the exhaust fan isn't running. I am getting very use to not having a man around the house, but I have not gotten use to arising in the morning and I'm alone, nor coming home after work and I'm alone. It is a trial and error to learn how to be your own best friend, when you've always shared your life with your mate.

I do continue to wear my rings, for I can't imagine ever not having them on. They have significance and meaning to me, and are a reminder that yes, I was a married woman at one time and it was wonderful. Doesn't mean I have to remove them now. I've also gotten use to forming relationships with just the girls, hobbies that I gave up when I got married, and I even have a side business running one-day bus trips, which I find extremely rewarding.

I really want now to learn to be me, rely on me, and trust my own judgment. There is a sense of peace to living on your own, and my heart is not big enough to share love with another partner. A cat, yes, my family and friends, yes, but not a love like I gave my man.

No one can say never, but God does know what is in my heart. I just ask that he respects it and gives me some confidence and peace.

This new life...it really isn't a new life, it is my same life, it just went through a drastic alteration that I did not expect. It will be a year and nine months on the 21st. I don't cry very often anymore, even the sadness is just a dull ache. Recently I have experienced some anger which I did not experience before. Certain things still hit that nerve. I can't hardly believe all this time has gone by and life, my life, continued to happen, I continued to react to live it sometimes against my will as I would have rather sat in a dark corner. Some things just can't be avoided. They become a diversion from grief, living life as you journey through grief brings you to a new realization of life..your same life. To the newly widowed, take it one day at a time, one step at a time before you know it, time will have passed and it is only time that helps heal.

It's over two years and I am trying very hard. Words don't come easy when I ask myself how I am. I just feel like I'm going through the motions, and have no joy. Sorry guys - major whine from me right now, I'm in a bad ''funk''. Like Loran, I hate the phrase ''new life''. I'm still me - I'm still lonely - the void is still there, but I have learned to cope the best way (s) I can, and have managed to pull through. I've actually succeeded with several things - who would have ''thunk'' it?. I want to get better, I want to actually thrive - we all deserve to not just ''make do'' with our lives. I want to be happy again - chocolate, even in massive doses, just doesn't do it - ya know???? I'm just going to ''chin up'' and keep walking - stop me when I get there.

Next week will mark my seventh month.

Although I still experience "grief-bursts" and still am fumbling with all the emotional land-mines that mark the "firsts" ...in many ways I feel that I have accepted this New Reality...New stage in this life...as a Buddhist I realize that my pain and suffering are mine...the loss I feel is the attachment I have...everything changes...and I must change too. Acceptance.

I cannot change the past or predict the future. I only have the moment and I strive to live as fully as possible in that.

Although I deeply believe that Bill and I will rejoin in our next incarnation...I don't believe in God or Satan or Angels or Heaven or Hell. Neither did he. Neither of us spent one minute bartering with a deity...and therefore I have been spared the whole "I am so angry at _____________" mindset. I don't have to question "Why" he died. I know why. He had a particularly aggressive form of leukemia. Very few adults survive Translocation 4-11.

Instead of Kuhbler-Rossing I have focused on looking beyond myself. Compassion. Helping others. Focused on the many things that I have to be grateful for...including the year and a half after his diagnosis and bone marrow transplant.

In the last year he was alive we made a point of appreciating the little...and letting go of not only physical clutter but psychological cluttter as well. We were luckier than most...we knew at the end that we were down to weeks...then days...and made the most of every moment.

And that is what I intend to do with every remaining moment of my life.

(((hugs)))

Carla

I'm almost at 2 years. I'm forcing myself to move forward. I'm so tired of being alone and lonely. I have to figure out who I am without my husband. We were a couple for 40 years, so it's so hard to do, but I must for my sanity. I am venturing out of my comfort zone and trying new things. I will try and make myself a better person, because of his death. We will always remember our spouses, and love them, but we are still here, and we have to learn how to live without them. I chose to be happy again, I'm so tired of being sad and lonely. I will survive!!
Paula

I've just passed the 3 1/2 yr mark of losing Joe. Yes, the grief is different now. The first year is so painfully chaotic and stressful. Missing my husband was such a HUGE part of that chaos. Grieving is a very personal feeling, and something we have to work through on our own ~~ and work it is! If you want to begin to pull yourself out of the grief hole ~~ you have to work at it. No, at first, who cares? We just have to feel the grief ~~ not necessarily because we WANT to feel it, but, because it has become a part of us. A part that we want to get away from! Nobody wants to feel that terrible, but, there it is ~~ we do.

Thankfully, the grief waves do begin to subside gradually over the weeks and months, and finally a year has gone by. When that 1 yr anniversary comes, most people think it has some kind of magical power ~~ that we are going to be "fine" after it rolls around.

Then, the 2nd year is upon us and we seem to backtrack into a former part of the grieving mode. That usually doesn't last too long. There are still grief waves and the grief monster attacks, but, the time between the attacks starts to become a little further apart. Yes, there are still times when you cry and hurt. Now, the hurt is no longer layered with the fog of shock. The pain is different, yet again, we survive it.

The grief waves become further apart, as do the tears. That doesn't mean that there aren't tears at times though. These episodes do not last as long as they did the first year.
As time moves on, your broken heart is mending. There will always be a scar that is tender, but it is healing. The love for your lost one is still there and always will be. The absence still causes a throb, but, it has become more of a dull ache ~~ one that your heart has adjusted itself to feeling.

We adjust. We survive. We can find joy in so many things ~ again. Family and friends, nature, animals ~ all can bring joy. As for me the Lord is my joy. Without Him nothing would be beautiful or joyous. He helps us -- who believe-- through all of the phases of grief. Sometimes it doesn't 'feel' like He is there, but, He is carrying me through the toughest times. Looking back, I can see clearly.

Certain "special" days can cause us tears, but, we can also plan something to do on those days and have joy also.
Time is a healer, as well as the heart becoming adjusted to the grief. We can live in the present with joy and a little sadness. As far as the future ~~ it will take care of itself.

All I can tell you at 2 years and 3 months is that it's getting better. I still cry but now I cry and dry my tears and go on. My life is different but the same. I will always miss Jim and the love for him never died. I stopped wearing my wedding ring over a year ago because I don't feel married anymore. I am starting to look forward again not just back. Jim follows me into the future because we had a past. I now am entertaining the thought of dating. I hope I won't have to live the rest of my life alone.

You have given me hope. I am at 16 months. Still cry altho not as often. I feel sometimes it will never get better. Hugs, Wendy