I think my grief journey has been nothing short of a walk in the unknown. My wife and I were happy as 2 peas in a pod with old-fashioned roles. She took care of absolutely everything to enable me to pursue my career and be the "provider". It worked for us for 30 years. But when she died, I was ill-prepared to care for myself, and it has been a school of hard knocks. Laundry, vacuuming, doing dishes (well, if coffee cups count), living off fast food, cleaning, paying bills, learning how to survive in a world unknown to me. I never knew how hard she worked. It was all just taken care of. Thirty years I lived in an immaculate house. I did a pretty good job keeping the inside up the first year (forget about the yard). Now, I live in a pigsty, at my own choosing I guess. I began a DIY house remodel, took on way more than I could chew, but in the process moved all "our" stuff into storage and filled the house up again with new things purchased on impulse. I had no car payments when she died. Now I have 2. The 2nd is for a limited edition pre-launch edition that is one of only 1,000 in the world. Not something I could resist, especially when I lost the only person that could reel me in and pull me off the ceiling when necessary. I've made way over my quota of bonehead moves and decisions, and yet, here I am, still trying to figure out some sense from the senseless.

My one regret is not spending enough time with her. I always had my projects going on, mainly business, and there we'd sit side by side and I'd be so engrossed in whatever I was working on, I wouldn't even hear her when she said something to me. That made her made about the first 20 years of our marriage. But she couldn't change me, and we learned to manage with Scottie off in la-la land somewhere. I called it "my zone", and my tunnel vision served me well through the years. Always thinking. Always planning. Always a perfectionist and a workaholic. Then she died. And I have not one memory of all those hours I spent sitting right beside her a million miles away of any of those "important" projects I just had to do. Now, I live for the moment because I learned that is where my memories were made. So much of life we waste on just being too damn busy. But I've always been one to take things to the extreme. And now I easily smother my love interests by being fully engaged with them every friggin' moment I can. And I've got a real problem with regulating my affection. Seems I've got only one speed now, and that's full love ahead. It is like I am so full of love that it just comes flooding out, kinda like a tea kettle when the water starts to boil. And then I've had to learn about the difference of being in love and being in lust. Love causes pain when it ends. In lust, we are able to just move onto the next relationship without blinking an eye. My wife always told me, Everything in moderation. She was so good at balance. Not me. She always took exceptional care of herself. Not me. Never entered my mind that she would die first. Hell, the way I abuse my body I'm surprised I lasted as long as I have. It was her time. I've still got a whole lot of lessons and corrections ahead. At least that's the best I can come up with. I do like myself now. I talk a whole lot now. Before, I was such a quiet man. And I don't let anything bother me. No more do I spin in my head future tripping. No, I live for today because as I learned, not a one of us is promised tomorrow. I find a lot of freedom in that. And there is nothing worse in life that could have happened to me. And so no longer do I waste my time worrying about anything because there is no outcome worse than having the love of my life die. Nothing. Life just seems to have a way of working itself out if I leave it alone. Oh, and I'm back to the jokester I was before practicing law sucked the humor right out of me. And the adventures I'm having. Long story, but if you go by yourself to a dance club and there is security out the ying-yang, did you know there is probably a good reason for that? Well, Mr. Magoo here paid no attention. And did you know that when gang girls at a table start talking to you, showing you their tats and piercings, that is probably not the table a old guy with a lick of sense would sit at come closing time. Lucky I didn't take a bullet in the back that night, or so I'm told. Yes, I am naive. But my whole life I know it is my Lord that just shakes His head an saves me from my own stupidity.

Problem told you way more than you care to know. That's the beauty of this site. I can ramble dang near anything without reprocussions. So what's the point of this piece? Everything I've been through since my wife died has been about learning who I am. When my wife died, so did my identity. Fortunately, we are entirely capable of changing ourselves into the person we want to be. But we have to first take a hard look at who we think we are, and that is the sum total of all our life experiences up to that point, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It has to be dealt with and we have to find peace about it all within ourselves. And in the process, we discover who we are. Like it, keep it. Don't want it, get rid of it. The death of my wife has changed me in such profound ways, and all of it for the better. I am a much more human, nicer, more compassionate, fun, and personal human being today because of all it. And I finally understand Love. That was Juanita's final lesson to me. She spent 30 years teaching me about how to love and how to live a life of love. But I never got it until after she was gone. If her death served no other purpose, it certainly made me a better person. I may be a mess, but all in all, I'm a happy mess. And believe me when I say, I am able to laugh about how really stupid I can be. I have become a comedians best material. And I'm okay with that. Life gets hard for me when I take anything too serious today. Wow, this was a whole lot more fun to write than cleaning my house or doing my dishes or even finishing my laundry would have been. Thanks for being here everyone. We so need each other, no matter where we are in this grief journey. Not a one in this world gets us unless they also have traveled this path no one wants to be on. I will leave you with this thought. I can identify 3 separate stages of my adult life. Attorney, pastor and idiot. I think I am happiest just being an idiot. At least for today. Tomorrow? Well, my tomorrows just seem to take care of themselves. Now, I consider myself just to be a student of life, learning from my boo-boos, and keeping a shit-eating grin on my face. Life is worth living. It is an adventure and full of surprises. And the biggest surprise will become ourselves once we figure out who the hell we are now. I love you all. ~~~ Scottie