Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I'm two years out and still grieving. I keep waiting for it to stop, but it merely goes into another stage. I'm a Christian. I know my husband is in Heaven and is happy there. I'm happy for him to be there too, away from the pain and sadness that is part of my daily life.
My grief in year two is different. Not as sharp, not as breath taking. It's more of a behind the scene grief. At first I couldn't understand it and wondered how I could still be suffering so long. And then it hit me--the first year or so I was grieving my husband. But now I'm grieving the life that we planned that will sadly never happen. There is a distinction between grieving the person and grieving the life. It's a thin line, but it's there. For example, I find myself walking around my house thinking how happy my husband would have been living here. I moved here after he passed. Sometimes I'll think about a movie and realize I can't go because I don't like going alone. If only he were here, I'd say. And there there are the walks alone the lake that I wouldn't consider taking without him.
At two years, I have quite the list. If he were alive I'd have a dog. Not such a good idea when you live by yourself. And if he were alive I'd keep our two grandkids overnight sometime. Not such a good idea when you've never changed a diaper in your life and have virtually no parenting skills. So, basically I'm missing out on a lot of things and my grief goes on at the loss of those things.
So, am I alone in this?
My grief in year two is different. Not as sharp, not as breath taking. It's more of a behind the scene grief. At first I couldn't understand it and wondered how I could still be suffering so long. And then it hit me--the first year or so I was grieving my husband. But now I'm grieving the life that we planned that will sadly never happen. There is a distinction between grieving the person and grieving the life. It's a thin line, but it's there. For example, I find myself walking around my house thinking how happy my husband would have been living here. I moved here after he passed. Sometimes I'll think about a movie and realize I can't go because I don't like going alone. If only he were here, I'd say. And there there are the walks alone the lake that I wouldn't consider taking without him.
At two years, I have quite the list. If he were alive I'd have a dog. Not such a good idea when you live by yourself. And if he were alive I'd keep our two grandkids overnight sometime. Not such a good idea when you've never changed a diaper in your life and have virtually no parenting skills. So, basically I'm missing out on a lot of things and my grief goes on at the loss of those things.
So, am I alone in this?
jeff
Even before I was widowed I took myself to the movies-----Not "had to go alone", But "took myself"----like a treat! The first time I felt a little "loser-like"----but then I changed the framing around it and decided if I wanted to go, I should go. It can be fun.
Diaper changing can be learned in one easy lesson---and the cool thing about having Grandkids is you don't have to raise them, just keep them safe----dessert for dinner is even OK on occasion. How old are your grandkids? Maybe take them for several hours first. Mine light up my life and brighten my spirit----like the sun is shining brighter. Give some little steps a try and see:-) Don't limit yourself and make yourself feel like you're missing out on more than you need too!!
Good Luck and Big Hugs
Sallie
I agree with the others, don't let diapers get in the way of some good quality time with those precious grandchildren.
I know that part of my grief is teaching myself how to go through life without him now. I think to myself... Life would be so much more simple if he were just still here. But my reality sometimes smacks me upside the head when I least expect it. In my new life school, I take things slow. I've learned to step out of my warm and fuzzy comfort zone, knowing that my anxiety will probably creep in. I'm able to report progress and going out alone is really not as scary as I once feared.
Wishing you all the best life has to offer.
Hugs, Cathy
I got another dog about 6 months ago. My husband never would have agreed to that. But he's sweet and he gives my other dog a run for his money.
Pets do give you company and get you out of the house. Don't stop living, because your husband isn't here. I would hate to live like that and on your death bed regret what you could have done. I know your husband would want you to enjoy yourself again.
Hugs,
Paula
L
The old line "take care of you, or be kind to yourself" is so inadequate. But it is true. Sharon
I do have to tell you, though, that I would give anything to be able to have grandkids to spoil. My sons are both on the autism spectrum - grandkids aren't in the cards for me. I have had to grieve for that lifelong dream, too. Please, Tru, have one of their parents show you the basics and then spend sometime with those grandkids - remember that just as not everyone gets to having a loving spouse in their lives, some of us will never have the joy of grandchildren. You have been blessed - rejoice in that gift - don't avoid it!
Love and Hugs,
Martha
I see my grandkids often, always with the parents over. Sometimes I want to do something special and I take the parents alone. My step-daughter understands my fear. The last time I was around two year olds was when I was two years old.
I don't have children of my own, just older steps and I will tell you that step grandma is a great thing to be. Kids need all the love they can get and that's what a stepgrandma is -- pure love. Trust me, the parents will be happy for another pair of hands, even if you have to build your confidence by going to their house to help out so they can make dinner, work on the yard, etc. They're there, so you can learn. You're not parenting - that's their job -- you'll find another role to fill and I think you might really, really enjoy it!