Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
My husband passed in March of this year. We'd been married 8 years the second time and 4 the first time. In total, we'd been together 18 years.
I spent most of my life happily single. The first time I married my husband I was miserable, wanting to get out of t he marriage almost immediately. We divorced 4 years later but remained very good friends. Our relationship during that time was platonic. He was there with me during the passing of my mother. And we were there for each other during our health scares.
We married again 8 years ago. I was nearly impossible to get, prefering to stay single.
After DH passed, I thought it would be simple to return to Tru the single gal. I was surprised to discover this was not true. I feel out of place, unable to handle the life of a single person. I know I'm a widow, but making decisions--something I've always done without effort--now feels forced, unnatural. I wondered how on earth can this new life, a life that should be familiar to me, could now be so hard to get used to? Then it hit me. On the day I married my husband, a new woman was born. And it is this woman who is having problems adjusting to this new life. I can't bring back the old me that would have enjoyed being single, because the happily married woman stands in my way.
I guess there's nothing I can do about it, but at least I understand why I can't seem to remember how to live single.
I spent most of my life happily single. The first time I married my husband I was miserable, wanting to get out of t he marriage almost immediately. We divorced 4 years later but remained very good friends. Our relationship during that time was platonic. He was there with me during the passing of my mother. And we were there for each other during our health scares.
We married again 8 years ago. I was nearly impossible to get, prefering to stay single.
After DH passed, I thought it would be simple to return to Tru the single gal. I was surprised to discover this was not true. I feel out of place, unable to handle the life of a single person. I know I'm a widow, but making decisions--something I've always done without effort--now feels forced, unnatural. I wondered how on earth can this new life, a life that should be familiar to me, could now be so hard to get used to? Then it hit me. On the day I married my husband, a new woman was born. And it is this woman who is having problems adjusting to this new life. I can't bring back the old me that would have enjoyed being single, because the happily married woman stands in my way.
I guess there's nothing I can do about it, but at least I understand why I can't seem to remember how to live single.
Hugs, Dianne
Your description is 'right on.' The moment the loss of our loved one became part of our life experience, we were changed forever. There's no going back. That loss demanded that we change or we wouldn't survive the journey that was about to begin. Everything we knew before took on a new hue; we saw life through neutral grays instead of vibrant colors.
Those colors return as life's journey continues. They return haltingly but they do return. While we're waiting, we learn so much about ourselves; about our strengths, our weaknesses, and our determination to make the best of a sad situation. I believe wholeheartedly that the strength of character of a widow or widower is absolutely amazing; especially when you consider everything that life throws at us. TJ
Now that he's gone, I'm having trouble finding my old self. I don't want to do it all. I loved being taken care of, having someone to rely on, to trust, to care. I always said to him that I was the strong one. Until he died. Now I realize I was mostly strong when I was by his side.
When we were on the path we chose, we knew how to react. How to think, feel, etc. On this path, we have no idea why we are here. What we are supposed to do. What's expected of us.
It's no wonder we have problems making decisions, fears we never had before and so many other things. In a way we are like new born babies. We are totally new to this new world and it will take time to find out how we fit in it.
We all have to adjust. The part that stinks is that it wasn't a choice, but handed to us.
After almost 1-1/2 years, I am still adjusting. I would prefer to have my husband as anyone would, but I am really enjoying being on my own too.
Since I can't have what I want more than anything, the life I have now is just fine.
Blessings, Debbie
Hang in there to all of us taking on this new life day by day!
Kate