Hey Trish,
I use to tell people I was waking up to a night mare now in place of waking up from one. I have lost family members over the years, but I was not prepared for this type of grief at all. It is the deepest hurt I have ever felt. I constantly stay if prayer with God for relief.
Your right, when thinking about this, it feels like I'm on the outside looking in at me. My Lyn went home back in August and now it's been ten months. I am starting to accept more each day that when I get home from work she want be there. But the pain of missing her still gets me.
I think that denial for awhile keeps us sane. It shelters us from it until we are at a place when we can face it a little stronger. But again if it wasn't for my faith I am not sure where I would be with this.
But you have found a good place to start to heal. There are some great folks on here. They are compassionate and caring. The most important part, you will always find some here that is at the same point of healing as you are. Who better to relate to than people going thru it? There are also those who are further along who have good advice as far as what to expect down the road.
I am glad you found this place, but am very sorry you had a reason to. No one wants to be here.
Just take care of you and be patient with yourself. Do what you have to do to continue healing.

Peace, Tim

They Say There is a Reason

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.
~Author Unknown

Hi Trish I know what you mean. My wife died 4 weeks ago from leukemia and I can literally "accept it" because of the reality of today - i mean she is no longer here - but I can't accept that my life has been turned upside down, and I have to stop thinking things like, "Oh look at that interesting thing! I have to tell Junko about it." Well guess what buddy you're not telling anyone anything. It's hard. I'm not in denial but I am profoundly, profoundly sad and disheartened.

HI My husband died suddenly from an abdominal aneurysm in 2011 and I still can't believe it. I actually am finding it harder to deal with now because I miss having that special person in my life. I live in a 55+ community and all I see are happy couples who still have each other. The online dating scene is a nightmare! I really can't say it gets any easier.

Trish:

I think this is very common. My husband died of a sudden heart attack in 2011 and for the first year and a half, I really expected him to walk through the door. I think it takes awhile for your brain and heart to actually process that they are gone and this is now your life.

Denial is a coping mechanism for the brain. Be gentle with yourself, give yourself time to grieve and realize that you are not alone.
Hugs,
Val

Constantly..I have this New Personality too...which I am convincing myself is a better me...my knees get tingly when I miss him...I feel like who is looking out of my eyes too...when i look in the mirror at my eyes...i see something of me..Glad Im not alone in this..

My husband died nine months ago in a tragically by a drunk driver. The initial shock has worn off and I accept he is gone. what is difficult to accept is I am now a 58 year old widow and I deeply miss and long for the comfort of my husband physical presence. I understand how you are feeling. The loneliness is overwhelming especially when you don't like being alone. Six months after his death I decided to joint an online social network called Tagged and met not one but to men with narcissist personality disorder real perverts, liars and deceivers who pretend to be nice then for a few months then the mask slips off and you see who they really are. Now when I compare what i had with what I encountered my conclusion is why bother. Now I think this may work for you as it is working for me , I am learning to be alone and not be lonely by learning new things , learning why I hate being alone in the first place and taking action to learn to be alone and love it. I have joined social groups where my friendships are casual and superficial for now no need to yourself up for new disappointments. Get involved with activities that you enjoy in every moment there is some little thing to be happy about, even simple things like the sound of laughter or the smell of your favorite perfume or eating your favorite food. I am learning there is live without a romantic relationship even though I really miss it. I hope you can find this out for yourself. Good luck.

My Aunts Husband died in 1995 when she was 59 ...she told me she is just going to be Thankful that she had a man like her Husband. She met a couple of guys one thought Widow=Money....another one she had to place a restraining order on...and if shes meant to meet anyone now it;ll happen as she doesn't care anymore...

trishEil, I do not think you are in denial. My husband passed almost 14 months ago and I am just now having good days. Eight months is really not that long. Just keep,putting one foot in front of the other and allow the feelings to be there. Whatever you are feeling or not feeling is normal. Everyone grieves differently

Hi Trish. No, I wish you were in denial, but you're not. I couldn't believe it either. I just wanted to wake up and have my husband hold me. Time after time I thought it can't be true, but if anything helped it was being with these people here. They know. They've been through it and they care. I'm so sorry for your loss. No one knows what it's like, but we do and we walk through the pain together. Hope to hear from you again. Sharon

Little over 4 months ago, Tommy passed away. I understand. I still wait for him to come thur that front door.but I he won't:(
when something big happens, I think I gotta tell Tommy but I know I can't :(
And I don't feel like it happening to me but I know it is
It's really sad

July 11th it will be 7 years since my beloved died in my arms from a massive heart attack. I still feel like I am living in a nightmare I can't wake up from. I still fee like he will walk in the door and I will awaken from this illusion. I have slowly learned that is not reality & this IS my life. I still allow the happy memories to play like a video in my mind and I remember happiness. It was just right there & I had ahold of it.

very much so. I go from reality to shock to denial as if I am in a constant circle.