Patti, everything you are going through is absolutely normal. Your emotions are raw and all over the place. The tears are never ending and the anxiety can be overwhelming. Have you thought about seeing your doctor to help with some of this? I hate taking pills, but have been on anti-depressants for years. I also got on an anti anxiety drug when my husband was at home on hospice care. It isn't an answer, but it at least took some of the sharp edge off. I know how much despair you are in right now. Grieving takes time and hard work. The most important thing for you do right now is take care of you! Please try to get as much rest as possible, and drink tons of fluids. It's amazing how dehydrated we can become from all the crying. Your world has just been turned upside down and I am so sorry for your loss. Please know you have come to a wonderful site. We all "Get it". The compassion, support and love I have received from those here I truly believe has kept me from going over the edge. Rant, cry, vent and share everything anytime. You will find no judgement, only caring. Do only what you have to do. Any big decisions can wait until your mind clears. Hugs and Love to you, Michele

Thanks Michelle! I called my doctor two days after my husband passed away on the advice of a friend. The Ativan has helped me get through the hard times. But, I don't like taking them. They do take the edge off and allowed me to get some much needed sleep the day before and the day of my husbands service. I saw my doctor the following week. As soon as she walked into the exam room she gave me a big hug and said let's talk. We talked for half an hour and check me out, got bronchitis again from one of my clts I take care of. So got meds for those and walked me across the hall and made me an appointment to see a Shrink. LOL! I'm usually the one helping others through these steps or the loss of a friend or a parent. Which, honestly doesn't compare to the loss of a child and a spouse at least in my oppinion. I've got them with me but really don't want to take one until I'm headed home. Since, I'm at work for another hour and a half. My co-worker has offered to stay here at work for an extra hour to hour and a half. The only support group I've found I can go to is the 2nd and 4th Thursday of everyone month. It starts a half hour before my shift. But, figured they'd be about an hour to an hour and a half and then the half hour drive to work. I'd be late by 90 mins give or take. Boss was cool with this as well. Just having a hard time wrapping my brain around all of this. I know he's gone and that but at the same time I feel like he's here with me and or someone is playing a horrible joke on us. But, I guess this is all normal process. I'm thankful I found this site. Just wish there was a actual chat room for ppl to talk.

Dearest Patti, you are not alone in your grief, everything you feel, or will feel will be totally normal, allow yourself to heal at your own pace. Just know we are all here for you. My prayers and empathy is with you at this most difficult time. I lost my husband to a freak accident 10 months ago, and I still am in love with and will always love my soulmate. big hugs carla

Patty, at this stage it is hard to compose a thought, much less get thru the day, but we do......painfully, but we do.

I was doing a little better around month 7 and 8 but came unglued the 9th and 10th month......and now the holidays and the beginning of his decline until he passed on Jan 16. I only know I will be coming here more often....there is love in this place.

I wasn't any different than you those first weeks. The thought that he was gone felt unbelievable even though I had made it through the service and had his ashes. I was fortunate enough to be able to retire, but felt for what. We were just beginning to start traveling and enjoying the empty nest years. I kept thinking this was a dream and I would wake up to find him here. Day after day the reality hit me like a punch in the heart. Sending you a gentle hug. Sharon

Patty,
I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. We NEVER though we'd be one of these women did we? I always thought that Morey and I would be together until we both died at the very same time!

I know exactly how you're feeling and there's absolutely nothing that any one of us can say that can take the pain away. We have to get through it, somehow we have to face all the misery of it by ourselves. There will be people around you at times but they're not living your life.

I promise you that it will start to feel more "normal" in time. The key word is "time!" How long it will take is completely up to you. It's your private healing time. No one can give you a magic key to open the healing door.......it's in your hands!

You are not alone though, we're all here with you. We know what it feels like and although some of us are further along than others it's still our world. Some days will be better than others and some days will be so bad that you will wish that you were not here at all!

Take care of you,
Roz

Hi Patty, My name is Meg. I lost my husband Oct 18th, he had just turned 61 in Sept. He died from Non small cell lung cancer. We meet at work 16 years ago, different departments. We worked at the same building until an opportunity came for him to work outdoors for the same company. He worked outdoors for 3 years, then had to quit because of back and neck injuries. He did not work that last 4 years of his life. Could not collect unemployment because he had quit his job. He applied for disability & was denied twice. He hire lawyers and until this day, no disability. So needless to say, I filled bankruptcy . I could not keep up with bills & mortgage. My husband did not become aware of having cancer until late July of this year. He went to 5 weeks of treatment (August thru Sept). On the six week he went for a biopsy of his liver. We waited 2 weeks to get his results back. We then saw his Doctor the following week. Doctor said the treatments cleared his lung cancer ,but did nothing for his live. ,The biopsy results reported tumors in his liver. Doctor also told us of a new treatment which had just been approved for the kind of cancer he had & was very promising. We both were so happy. So he was to start his new treatment the following week at the cancer center. Then misfortune happened. He was denied the new treatment the following week, because he was jaundice. The nurse at the cancer center pointed out to me the yellow in his skin. "Don't you see how yellow he is"? She made an appointment for us to come back the next day & talk to his Doctor. So we came back the next day. Doctor explained to us" that because of his jaundice they could not give him the treatment. It would automatically kill him". Jaundice meant his liver was giving out & there was nothing else that could be done. Doctor also mentioned my husband would be dead 9-days to 2 weeks. We were both in shock! Both cried. Afterwards I was angry, why did they wait so long to try a new treatment on him? He wasn't yellow 2 weeks ago. There has to be something else that could be done, Can't just give up on a person because they are yellow. there has to be something else. But there wasn't. I checked with other doctors & they said the same thing. Hospice came 3 days after we had seen the doctor. Meantime I could not ingest that my husband was dying. 5 days after hospice showed up at my home, my husband could hardly talk. All he wanted to do was sleep. I kept trying to get him to get up from bed, eat and to sign his will." I'll get to it Meg", when I feel better". He never did feel better, did not want to eat and barely drank water, just sleep. That's all he could do. And he never woke up from his sleep. You see the cancer had spread to his brain. All that could be done at this time, was to make sure we gave him pain medications , hug him, kiss him and make him as comfortable as possible. and wait for his heart to give up. He died in my bed @ 10:12am on the 18th of Oct. It was a Sunday. I am left with lots of despair and desolation and bills! and a big hole in my chest!. In the 4 years that he was unemployed, he would cook on occasions, did my laundry. I work the evening shift & most nights ,he would wait for me, greeted me with snacks, or a beer if it was a hot night , talk for a while. He could not do other chores because of his back and neck injuries. But he was always home. I am having the hardest time accepting his departure. He was aside of being my husband , my 1 & only friend. The only man I have ever known to sit in the toilet and sing!! He was funny, always telling jokes! Can't believe he is gone forever, That I'll never see him, touch him or feel him again! I want him back too!. This forum has a lot of people who have also gone thru the same emotions. I am hopeful that we will feel better & learn to live around this. I read everyday. I don't write much, I rather read & learn, follow their advise. Hope you'll find it useful too. Very sorry about your situation. Do you work?. I had to return to work 5 days after my husband died. My peers have been very supportive. I have 4 grown children. They try to comfort me as much as they can. He was not their biological father. But they loved him and he loved them in return. We were blessed to have had my husband in our lives. I don't have an answer for your situation, but I know you are in the right place. Lots of hugs to you.

Meg,
I want to tell you how sorry I am to hear about the death of your husband and for all that you both had to go through.

Please know that you have lots of friends here who have had some very similar or as heart wrenching experiences as you.

I hope that the days ahead bring you some peace,
Roz

Thank you Rozmorey. I read as much as I can in this forum. I have found it to be very helpful. Glad I found it!. And yes I am hoping peace comes soon! Hoping December will just skip by me. And all this confusion drifts away, so that I can concentrate in moving forward. Thank you so much!

Thanks everyone for the kinds words. Today has just been really hard. Since, we lost one of little kittens and another one of our bigger kittens is MIA! Last night was the 2nd night I've slept at our home. Our kids (cats) all around and on me. As I got three laying on my chest now as I write this on our bed. I do work, I just went back to work on Friday and today was my 2nd day back. I take care to great people who have physical and mental challenges. They've been a god send to me and my boss as well.Although, she blames herself slightly since we were on our way to help her. Which I know is stupid. As my brother-in-law stated we can change the place but not the time. :( I work 3/4 time and I'll be getting my husbands pension check. I found out tomorrow night about the Life Insurance. I wish you all healing times ahead. I know I'm grateful to finding this website and for my dearest friends and both our families. I'm praying there is a heaven and he's with his dad, my grandparents and most of all his daughter faith that was taken away from him 35 years ago. She'd be 37 Dec 28th. I know I'm not alone going through this but still feel so empty and alone! Thank you all!!!

Dear Patti, I am so sorry for the death of your husband. I lost my sweet wife 8 weeks ago and coming to this site was the best thing I could have ever done. Everyone here understands the pure hell you are going through at this time. I do not post much, but I log on every day and read posts from others and every day I read something that helps me deal with the pain of my wife never coming home.

Patti, I'm so sorry to hear about the kitties and the loss of them. I don't know much about cats......I'm sort of a dog woman myself. I have a 95 pound Lab/Golden Retriever that thinks he owns me. It's okay, he's brought me through the darkest of days, I must say!!!

I'm also not a believer of "heaven"......I believe that after we die our souls search out for another body to inhabit and we live on. Haven't you ever met someone that you swear you've met before....well, you have, in another life!

This life is sort of like a dream......you know.....Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a dream!!!!

These are just my humble beliefs......whatever they're worth. I've believed this since I was a kid, they keep me going!

Roz

The night before Cliff died, we talked all about all of our plans for the future. We were finally at a point where everything was coming together after years and years of struggling. Our plans together and our plans for our sons, our business venture plans, our fun plans - all of it. We went to bed and the next morning he died of a heart attack. I went from being on top of the world to total devastation in a matter of a few hours.

I understand the shock, the anger, the confusion, and what it's like wanting to just wake up from the nightmare....

It will get better, and you will get through this. It's not going to seem like that for a long while, but you will. Until you start to regain some balance and some strength, try to eat at least one decent balanced meal a day and drink a lot of water to counter-balance the crying so you don't get dehydrated. Sleep when you can - it's going to be rough to sleep for awhile, too. That's normal. You've already got meds for that, but if you don't want to take a pill for it, you can try some chamomnile tea about an hour before bedtime. You can find it in the supermarket with the other herbal teas - "Sleepy Time" is Celestial Seasonings' version of it. It won't knock you out but it will help relax you so you can sleep, and it does not interact with most other meds or substances.

For the anger and frustration, I pounded my pillows with my fists. I was scared I would let loose on somebody, and it was useful to dissipate what I was feeling. You can also whack one pillow with another pillow - a friend here suggested that one.

Counseling helped me survive it. So did journaling. Just a thought...

I am sorry for your loss and that you found yourself needing to be here. I wish no one ever needed us, but I am glad you did find us. Being here made a huge difference for me and I have since rebuilt my life. You can get through this. Don't give up.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Thanks everyone!! I'm doing a little better. Staying focused and keeping busy. Going home after work is hard. But, i talk to David on the way home since he did pass away in our Jeep. I know it might sound weird but I feel he's there with me and at the home we were building together. Unfortunately, I'll have to give it up once i find a place for me and the kids. The kids have been great keeping me snuggled up with them. Granted we have 12 cats and I'm hoping to find a place where I can take them all. I just can't choose which ones I keep and which ones I can't. So keeping fingers crossed I can find something by spring for all of us. I have David's Urn next to my side of the and the album everyone signed that came to his viewing and his OBIT is in it. But, it has his picture on the front. It's sitting against his pillow. His girl Powder-puff sleeps in his spot and her head rests again the album I cried the first time I saw her do it. I know they know something is wrong, especially since i couldn't be there to be with them for two weeks and strangers would come and go and feed them. But, they have been a godsend to me. The morning's I find the hardest still of them all. I wake up and I see this nightmare hasn't ended. Saturday will be technically a month since he was taken from me. We'd had so many plans since he'd just retired the end of July and I still feel guilty that I didn't notice anything wrong and I couldn't get him to the hospital faster even though I was only 4 miles from it. I'm grateful to his family and our friends. But taking it moment by moment. Still can't be home for long. I sleep there on the days I work and like today I'm off so staying with friends tonight. Go home for a few hours before work and then go home tomorrow night. I feel guilty since I'm not there for the kids but at the same time I need the space to heal and be there for them when I can be there. I believe in riencarnation and I know David was my soul mate from many past life times. You just have that sense about someone. Thanks again and I'm hoping you all can make it through the holidays. I know Christmas is going to be good and it's going to rip me apart! But a moment at a time!