I am so sorry for your loss. I am probably two months further into this grief journey than you are and I can say that I went through what you are going through somewhat. I too have some chronic health problems and got ill after my husband's death. I was a bit scared to be alone (no children and no relatives close by) while sick as I have ended up in the ER in the past with illnesses so I was careful not to let myself get too sick before seeking medical help.
I think it is very common for widows/widowers to become ill after losing a spouse. Grief and stress lower our immune systems and we don't tend to take care of ourselves very well at first. You do need to eat even if it is to heat up a can of soup or make a cup of broth from boullion cubes for yourself. Keep easy things to fix around like that and have some throughout the day.
You are going through something that we all go through, I think. At least I felt like I was in a fog for at least the first month or two and adrenaline got me through that along with my three sisters who did not leave me alone for the first month or so. Now they check on me daily via phone, email/facebook and take turns coming to visit me a couple times a month. I am blessed with them and one very wonderful christian neighbor who checks on me a couple of times a week.
Please seek help before you consider ending your torture. Not just for your daughters but for yourself. Your life is precious and you deserve to live it in peace. Promise you will seek help and know that DS is here, I am here for support and to listen. I can't send a big enough hug your way but I will try and I am praying for strength and peace for you - Gem.

I am so sorry for your loss,let me tell you that most of what you are feeling is normal. I lost my husband on august 1,2011,so I have been on this journey for a little over 4 months. Please do not consider ending it,even though I know it feels like that it's the only way to stop the pain.I felt the same way.I have also had physical symptoms and not sure if it is over the grief,menopause or a mixture of the 2(thats the one I expect it is) The shaking and crying and waking up in the night is what I do too.Please keep coming to DS,it is a big help and consider talking to someone,maybe a grief counselor.If you need to talk we are here for you. Blessing's Mary

Anne,

What you have just described is how I felt, almost at the time You are feeling this now. would the inner ear disorder be Minnears? I have it too, and it is chronic. I'm assuming yours is as well? For me so far the antivert is working, but not as well as it did in the past. with me, when I cry alot which still can be often!, I get very dehydrated and lose balance. I get that spinning feeling, and if this is what you have I understand just how that feels. It's not enough that the world is off balance as it is from losing one we love so much, our entire body is spinning as well. Have you asked the doc about Valium? For some, changing the dosages, or the med can help? worth a try you think?

My disorder has been much worse than it was before I lost Greg. And the first two months I was a dynamo. I had to do this, and do that, because in my mind I was doing it for Greg. In the very back of my mind was hope that if I did all this right, somehow he'd come back if that makes any sence at all to you? He didn't, and there was my crash. after all the initial prearations are done, the services are done, and the shock of what actually DID happan wears off, is the time I think for me was the most painful of all. Here was reality, and NOW what?

PLEASE
anne, don't think about ending the torture and you are right it IS torture. Every day that you wake and he's not there now to help you through illness, to listen to you, just to HUG you IS torture. I ahve been there, and continue to be at times still. I had a REALLY bad day yesterday, and I came here to read last night, just to know that I'm not alone my friend. And WE are not alone. It seems that way when stepchildren don't come over, and don't call I know. I have two stepsons who I adore. I see them as much as I can. They are dealing with losing their dad, and can be very insensitive at times. But I think sometimes that my need to see them, is maybe not their need right now. I started seeing my stepsons in a restaurant, knowing it was just too hard to be "here" when I was about 2 months into loss. That seemed to work, and so far is still working, and they are coming over more often to the house now. Maybe you could try it?

I know how painful this is Anne, and wish I had more I could tell you to make it better. Please just know that you are NOT alone, and know that there of many many friends here who care.

HUGS to you and hopes for peace

Diane

Anne, I am so sorry you are feeling this way at this time. Know that you are not alone. The first few months I was working on auto-pilot to get everything done that needed to be done and it was worse for the emotional upheavel after that.
Just keep remembering what Joe would want you to do. I know it is easier said than done as that is what I keep telling myself to keep me going. It is day by day and sometimes minute by minute. I am also alone in my house so know how sometimes the minutes just tick by and somehow I manage another day.
I still breakdown everyday thinking of not having my husband with me and it is extremely painful but I know what I would have wanted him to do if I was to go first.
Please come to DS as often as you need as there are very caring people that understand and will listen to us and help us along our journey.
Hang in there and sending you a big hug

Dear Annie,

You are not alone. The shock of your husband's accident has to be absorbed and that does not happen without some trauma to you. I wish it were different. (Have you been to your doctor recently?)

I repeat to myself that I am still the precious woman that my husband loved so much and that helps me live today and begin to look forward.

Thank you all so much for helping me. I just drove, dizzy, to the cemetery to make sure his "new house" is looking nice. All I said was I love you and left.

Diane, i am permanently disabled from menieres and vestibular damage from an ear surgery at age 19. Antivert and xanax is the combo that keeps it somewhat under control from spinning and was great for many years. I worked , raised kids and just got my masters degree last year..then all went crazy. They found lyme disease had entered my brain and left lesions and cause further damage to my balance center that cannot be fixed now. I have been on SSD for one year and was so depressed. My Joe kept me happy and getting around and now he is gone. I have to do it myself now and learn to be alone.
My mom and daughter are coming to my house tomorrow for lumch. This is the first mom had been here since joe died. It will be nice to have someone in my house for a bit
I will come to DS more often...too much I am sure...I see that everyone is feeling like this too. So much is going on in my life along with this and it is all too much.
God bless you all and thank you for helping me...Ann
newbeginnings134@aol.com is my email

I am so sorry for your loss. I too had step sons immediately I became the ugly step Mother. Its called greed in my case. All of a sudden they lost their Dad, and coping with it who can they blame - yep you are the easy target. Sometimes they dwell on it, than come out of it, and mend fences other times they continue to cause heartache.

I have heard stories again and again since it happened to me, so sad but true. BUT through all the pain your feeling you can not do it is also a normal reaction at this point but you have to look at other things as to why the Lord or Creator or Universe wants you here. It is not easy but please do not beat yourself up for how you feel.

You have work your way through it, sometimes a step forward sometimes a few back but you came here that is a good step forward. I feel for you. Hugs

I know what your are experiencing. One night shortly after my Roger died I began to have this horrible feeling of something bad was going to happen. I totally panicked. I couldn't breathe and my heart was racing like it was going to jump out of my chest. I even went to the all night clinic to see if they could help me. I was told this is a very normal feeling. My own son won't even come visit me so I understand that part too. You are not a "debbie downer" you are simply grieving as we all are here on this board. I come here every day and it always make me feel better. Please post as often as you want. Someone is always here to care.

How are you today, Annie? Hugs. When it was day 40 after my Bola was killed, I questioned would I make it to day 41 and maybe I didn't even want to. The pain I, we feel is so foreign.. so intense to me, I did not have any coping skills, I just wanted to feel something different....I even thought to stab my forearm with a fork just to feel some other pain. But logically I realize I would still be in emotional pain but now with a wound on my arm...so I never self injured.

Coping skills we learn as we go....from here, from therapist, from books...church, friends...from inner reflection and etc....

Bola died 11 months ago, a long time away from day 40 and I am still here. Find anything and hang onto it. I pray for peace, comfort and blessings for you..Hugs.

My father is a widower. He brought a point out when I lost my husband: the bible says we become one. Therefore when we lose a spouse it's a physical pain. It's like being cut in two.

It sounded strange when he told me that. But I was physically ill after losing my husband. I ended up twice in the hospital. Before that I'd been healthy, scarely having a cold. Now I'm on three medications. I don't think it's a coincidence.

Take care and hang on to life. It's worth it for the time we're here. God may have something he wants you to do.

I was physically sick for quite awhille after John passed away. even lost a lot of weight. Please do not give up on yourself or us. keep coming here and posting in your journal, reading and talking to us. I was in the same place you are. I now have a lot of better days. Nothing is ever going to feel right for you again. with you already having health issues, the added stress and strain that your grieving has on your body is making things worse. Promise you, it will get better. Hugs to you: Donna

Hi. I read your post and can definitely relate. I know that probably doesnt make you feel much better but I think this is why we, or at least I do, come to DS for some help.

It is four and half months since I lost my darling. The worst thing about his death was that his disease is treatable if you get it early enough. It is quite a rare neurological disease and he was misdiagnosed at first. We came home from hospital and he wanted to go back and I feel I discouraged him. It really led to a series of events which caused his death. I feel so so terrible. The one person who was important to me has gone. His life, to me, was more important than mine. Everything I did was for him. The money I earnt, etc I did just so he could be happy.

We never went for more than 5 hours without speaking to each other. I would call from work and talk to him. Now I have not spoke to him for 5 months.

I dont have any illnesses that I know of so I feel for you in having to deal with losing your darling plus also your illnesses. That would be hard. I cry sometimes all day. I wake up every day with a headache. I have not eaten a vegetable or piece of fruit since he died. I just cannot function.

Maybe you could find a support group in your area for widows. I havent done this but feel I need something. Hang in there and come on here and post as much as you want. It is about all that is getting me through this.

annie, my heart goes out to you, yes you are feeling the grief and it was so very hard for me where you are now.
With Jesus I was able to read His reassuring word each day and pray to Him.
Maybe this is silly but I also talked to my Carmelo and my sister Bonnie whom passed just a month before, as if they were by me.
When my father died in 2002, my sister Bonnie told me God would send a gift of dad. If I saw a crow it was dad.
I started to see them and when I drove home from the hospital after my Carmelo passed, I saw about 20 black birds on my roof.
I believe God sends us gifts in this way, if you try to see them they will help you heal and feel your loved one near.

Thank you for your words. I keep seeing a red cardinal in the yard and it comes around every few days and just sits in the grass not moving. I talk to the bird thinking it is Joe showing me he is ok. Sounds crazy but why would this beautiful bird be out there in the freezing cold all alone?
I find that I keep looking out the bedroom window again to see if its there. I am trying so hard to get to the next day. I am so very dizzy from my ear disease that I cannot just got out for a walk to breathe or even go into a church to pray. I am stuck sitting here, so all I have for now is the bird.