Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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simplytracy 02/06/2015

My husband of 7 years and friend of almost 25 passed away suddenly on December 29th during a hospital stay.

I've cried, wailed, remembered, but it seems to be waning and I feel like maybe I'm doing something wrong.

I understand grieving is different for everybody, but I actually feel guilty for being OK right now.

There's still a long road ahead. I've stopped putting pressure on myself to write the thank you notes from the funeral. When I feel like I can I will. I'm not rushing to get rid of his things or to move past our life together. I still wear my wedding ring and talk to him daily.

Please help me understand why I feel guilty for not constantly being sad and feeling bad.

marjoe 02/07/2015

Tracy - don't do this to yourself. There is no template in grief, nor is there a timeline for feeling what you're feeling. What you're going through, and how you're dealing, is normal - for you. Hugs, Marsha

mclizm 02/07/2015

First, I am so sorry for your loss. Second, please don't let anyone tell you how you should or shouldn't be feeling right now. Grief is so individual. Yes there are common traits, but we all do it our own way. My husband died 7 months ago and I'd say for the most part I think I'm doing ok too. I think my husband would be proud of me. Is it easy? not always. Some days are better than others. Like getting his W2 in the mail this week and thinking it will be the last one ever made me cry. But for the most part I'd say I was "up". Friends tell me how strong I am but I don't think so. I just don't have any other choices. Yes, I still love my husband and miss him every day but now it's more like a heaviness that's settled in my heart than the raw pain of before. Maybe this is a lull between the holidays and the major anniversaries yet to come, I don't know. I have a great quote in my kitchen - "Today is life. the only life you're sure of. Make the most of today." It held true through the 5 years my husband lived with cancer and it's still true as I learn to live with his death. Good luck to you Tracy and come here often. We're not a bad bunch! Hugs Liz

Sara59 02/07/2015

I didn't do a lot of crying but I did have attacks of anxiety on and off. Kept pretty much to myself with the bad stuff. I'm at 2 years and better than I was. I used to think I was strange too but now I look back, I can see how bad I was really feeling

Jacuzzi63 02/08/2015

hey Tracy...
Sorry for your loss.
I've been through repeated waves of being ok, then not ok... at the moment I'm on a down cycle. There's times where I seem just great, able to take on the world. And other times where I'm absolutely falling to bits, like I did this week. My angel-versaries are coming up (son Feb 27, hubby Mar 1) and I think that's what's affecting me.
Don't feel guilty for feeling good. It's all ok. Laugh, if you can; cry, if you have to; talk or be silent as you choose. It's all ok. You will find there's times that something, large or small, will hit you and the grief will come on. Just let it come; if you fight it, it will take longer to recover overall.
All the best to you.

debtuna 02/08/2015

I've just found and joined this group. After reading several discussions, I know you are the folks I should talk to. To all of you, I'm so sorry for your losses. I lost my best friend of 35 years/husband of 26 years suddenly and unexpectedly on 10/2/15. It's been four months and, as some have expressed, had more periods of being "ok" than not. But when I'm not okay, like today, I am in such pain that I can't function. Thanks to my wonderful family and friends, who think I'm so strong, I've gotten to where I am. I still function daily, most days. And when I don't no one really knows. How could they understand? It is certainly a roller coaster ride. I am most grateful for my faith in God; I need to let myself lean on him more.

Wishing you all peace and love. I look forward to getting to know you all.

RichnMe 02/08/2015

Tracy - I'm so sorry for your loss. First of all don't feel guilty about how you feel at any given time. It's OK that you're feeling OK right now. The day of my husband's funeral I didn't cry at all. Everyone around me was crying - but not me. Weird. They don't call this grief ride a roller coaster for nothing. I'm sure you will experience all kinds of emotions during the ride. I in fact felt better and thought I was doing pretty good in the first couple of months. Now is a different story - it's been 8 months. In my counseling session the other night - I got validation of my feelings from my counselor - after explaining where I was he said to me "at 8 months you are right where you should be". It helped so much to hear that I wasn't crazy! So don't feel guilty - - you feel what you feel. Everyone's grief process is different and there is no right or wrong. Hugs to you.

barbarame 02/12/2015

who should tell you how to grieve? don't be looking for validation for any of your feelings. All okay. xxx

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