Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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family time = anixety

avmom
avmom

Yesterday we were hit with a winter snow storm. I have lived in California for the last 25 years so this is the first storm I have seen since moving out east. My brother had invited me over for his wife birthday. We were having pizza and game with the kids. I left early and drove slow, he only lives 3 miles away. At one point I hit the brakes and the car skid, I was very scared but drove on and made it. My intentions were only to stay a couple of hours as it was still snowing. The kids were having so much fun that we ended up being there over 5 hours. I couldn't get into the board game and my sibling kept telling me to get over it and smile, have some fun! My anixety was so high. Then I realized, my husband wasn't there to help me or drive me home. He always drove, if it snowed, or rained, on long trips. He always took the wheel as he knew I hated to drive. Finally, they ended the game early so me and the boys could leave. I made it home after skidding again and texted my family to tell them I was home. I also sent a text telling them I was sorry, I was in a mood but I was scared about the drive but knew I had to do it. I feel I am always aplogizing about something. Now they have decided that they will host christmas eve at my house. I have never hosted a family dinner as I never had family around me. They said they would all pitch in and I don't have to do it myself. I wish they would all just slow down. Yes, I have tried talking to them but they just don't understand how I feel and may never. I am sure in a couple of years this will all seem funny and even dumb but now I feel so out of place.

deremusl
deremusl
As a fellow anxiety sufferer, I understand your feelings. I think it's very unfair for your family to expect you to host anything right now, especially Christmas Eve. Even though they will pitch in, you will have them in your home when at this point I'm sure you have no idea how you'll be feeling that day. You won't get to choose the time to leave if you start to feel anxious. Can you explain to them that this might be too early for you? They really do need to slow down. I hope you can talk to them and gently explain this. You don't need to apologize, just maybe explain that this would be your first time to host a family dinner and you're not up to it this year, but maybe next year, or even a later holiday such as Easter.
You really have to take care of you right now, as it seems your siblings have no clue. You may not feel strong enough to stand up to them, but if you can, it has to be right away. I hope it works out for you.
Warm hugs,
Linda
Kateydid123
Kateydid123
Hi there, I am so sorry for what you’re going through. My name is Dave and I lost my wife ( Tracey) five months ago. I have not been on this site for the past couple months, but I would like to share something with you. On Thanksgiving, my family, a whole bunch of them decided to have Thanksgiving at my home which is what we have always done in the past for many years. My wife was the perfect host and cook. She was singing and dancing in the kitchen and just be the beautiful person that she was. Anyway, my sister-in-law , Sister and daughter took over the kitchen and all the duties. I cannot tell you how hard it was to watch them pull out all of my wife’s pots and pans, her famous turkey pan and all her cooking spices.... everyone was so happy and all the family and friends started coming in,. Everyone was hugging, laughing, drinking is having a great time. I think I had to go up to my room three or four times just to lay in my bed and cry. As I stated on the site several times, I think the more people that are around, the more lonely I am. Prior to my wife dying ( I just can’t say passing away, sounds too generic) I never knew the meaning of the word anxiety, but boy, I sure do understand what you are feeling. To all who are still around on this site from a few months ago, I hope you are healing.
Your friend Dave