Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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ReeR 05/13/2009

It has only been a little over four weeks since I have lost my dear Mike. We spent every day together for over 23 years. We may have spent two weeks apart in all that time when he was in the hospital, but that was it. We did everything together. Mike had a heart attack at the age of 38, and from that time on he lived with a lot of ailments. Eventually he had to go on disability and we reversed roles. He stayed home and I continued to work. He rarely complained.

No matter how much you think you prepare yourself for the inevitable, you are never prepared. I thought we would have more time before he left this world but an unfortunate accident sped things up. I did my very best to take care of him, taking him to the Dr., staying home when he was sick, sitting by his hospital bed, everything we should do for the person we love.

Coping with the death of our loved ones is probably the biggest challenge we will ever face in our lives. On top of that, I have some of his siblings angry with me because he died. They feel he wasn't taken care of the way he should have been. I can equate their behavior to being kicked while I am down. I must metion the fact that they never helped when I needed them. They always had something else to do. They didn't even come to his memorial service yet they claimed they loved him so much. I know they did it to spite me but I feel that they should be ashamed of their behavior.

I can't talk to other people about this because I feel they don't understand. I am just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation. I try so darn hard to shake the horrible feelings but it keeps coming back to haunt me. So, I am not only coping with his death, I am questioning myself for no reason.

Please if anyone has any comments, I welcome them.

deleted_user 05/13/2009

Good Evening Reer, Welcome to the Ds Family. Although I wish no one here ever had to be were we are right now. I did not have family that was blamimg but friends that we had not heard from or seen in over ten years. Please believe that you did your very best with the hand you were delt. You are still very young in this grieving process and it can be a long hard road for us. In time you will be able to deal deal with the sibling issue right now breathe and be gentle with yourself it is going to take time. Remember they are grieving as well and they may be dealing with thier own quilt for not being there and helping as much as they could have.

deleted_user 05/13/2009

I feel as if your story is a mirror of mine (as far as the family issues). I too have tons of issues with all my in-laws, and I allow myself that. These feelings should not be silenced just because we feel we are better than that. The best thing to do is try to keep your distance, especially if you feel at all uncomfortable by them. You owe them nothing, and you should feel no obligation to anyone even your man to be more than civil. This is what I always say, "If my hubby disapproves we can have an argument when we meet in heaven".
You already have a lot on your plate to be worrying about courtesies or the blame game. Let them talk, if that is the way they deal with their grief. You and your man are the only two people that truly know the truth, and lucky are you to have had him all to yourself. Just let that help you, everyone else doesn't know but you and him. Stay strong, and remember you are allowed to feel any emotion you want. : ) Focus on the love you had/have.

deleted_user 05/13/2009

my sititaution is almost the same. My husband has been gone for 4 weeks and it is so hard. My husbands family did come to the service. At the service, they promised to come vist and call and all that stuff. His dad has came here once in a month, no one else call or comes over. I have thier niece and nephew here and they still dont come see us. I can do it without them and have been it is just wrong that they say that they care so much about us but they never seem to come make sure im ok. I was with thier brother 21 years never apart one day in that time. It really sucks that they can treat people that way. if you need to talk im always here. Dawn

Shrn 05/15/2009

You are in the biggest challange I can imagine and no one but us who are living it has any idea how bad it can be. I try not to get angry at insensitive people, but sometimes it's hard. When someone is hurting, why can't others care and try to be supportive?
I know, I want the world to be a place of peace and love but it's not. That's why D.S. is so popular.
As this site grows, maybe we can change the world, one tear at a time. Am I being over optomistic? lol Sharon

deleted_user 05/15/2009

Most of us have some very bad memories or experiences relating to the death of our spouse ... especially those involving terminal illnesses. The best way for us to get over these bad feelings and memories is to talk about them over and over and over. One of the great things about DS is that you can tell us anything you want and we will understand.

You say that you don't share your feelings with others because you don't think they will understand. I wonder if that is really the case. If you have any other close friend or family member that "might" understand I would suggest that you try sharing your feelings with them. You might be surprised. It is in the sharing of our feelings and bad memories that we "release" them.

Welcome to DS.

Love, Tom

cliffskat 05/16/2009

I think we all question ourselves - it's the 'guilt phase' of grieving - did we do enough? Would things have turned out differently if we had done something else? Were we responsible for the death? It's one of the worst parts of grieving. The truth is that you were a good and loving and faithful wife and you did everything you possibly could, and your husband knew that. Maybe your in-laws are feeling guilty and trying to deflect it onto you because they are ashamed of their behavior - they are going to have a lot of unresolved issues to contend with, and while it is convenient for them to try and dump on you, it's THEIR issue. Be at peace knowing you gave your husband your very best and no one could have done more. I'm sorry you had to find yourself here, but wanted to say 'welcome' to the group. We understand what you're going through, and you will find much support here. Love and Hugs, Martha

deleted_user 05/16/2009

Hi Reer and Welcome,
I can understand where you are coming from. My husband only had one brother, no other family besides me and the kids. When Rich passed, his brother came over, was given a place to sleep, a hearty couple of meals and even some cash because he said he was "strapped". This was the last we saw of him. He has not called once to see how me and the kids are coming along.
Rich was always so proud of his "baby" brother, but I think he would feel differently now and we have decided to just let him go his own way and not let it bother us. What more can you do?
Peace & Love to you.....Mo

Christine26 05/16/2009

Hi Reer and welcome to DS.I am sorry for your loss. I lost my Robert to lung cancer/brain cancer 7 weeks ago. It is difficult. His brother who lives a 5 hr drive away came with his mother tos ee him 2 weeks before he passed. And i have to say they have been calling every 1-2 weeks to see how we are doing, but when Robert first passed they were angry at me for preparing to cremate him and they were badgering me as to why I was cremating him and I told them those were what his wishes were. Initially after he passed they were not returning my calls and my mother in law asked me why was I asking her for suggestions on planning the service because I was going to do what I wanted to anyway. I then told her that I was doing what Robert asked me to do. Robert has an estranged sister who has not called yet, but that is no surprise because she barely calls her own mother. Hugs to everyone.Lord knows we need it.

mugwort 05/16/2009

I am really sorry for your loss and the shxx your getting from your in laws. It seems to me you did your best and that's what matters
They may be blaming you as a reflection of how they feel regarding themselves.

huggzzz
mugwort

deleted_user 05/16/2009

Reer: So sorry for your loss. You are in the right place now with wonderful people and lots of good advice and hugs. I agree with everyone and think Martha put it out there perfectly. You and your husband know you did your best and thats all you need to worry about. It is their problem, not yours. If they are that insentsitive to treat you that way when you have lost your love, then who needs them. I wouldn't pay any attention to that kind of ignorance. Hugs to you. Shirley

ReeR 05/25/2009

Thank you so much for your warm welcome to the group. As far as the family blame is concerned I am coming along there. I am feeling a lot better myself and what transpired between my husband and me over the last years of his illnesses. I always knew I was doing everything I could possibly do. But as everyone knows, no matter how you feel about yourself and how confident you are, there will always be someone who tries to put a hole in your armor.

As Tom suggested, the more I talk about it, the more I get off my chest about it. Thanks Tom.

I am sure that part of his family feels guilty about not being there to help thru the struggles and they probably have some self blame. That is not my problem and something they will have to deal with themselves. I no longer want to carry anger about this.

I plan to move forward and away from these feelings of inadequacy and anger and go to the more important events like working on healing.

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