Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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families can make things even harder

avmom
avmom

It has been 9 months since my husband passed away. Though I think about him everyday, it does overpower me like it used to. I moved closer to my family so my kids could know the family but this has brought on a whole new set of issues. I have not lived in the same state as my family for over 25 years so I feel in ways I don't know them well. A weekly call is very different from seeing them several times a week. I love being able to see my siblings and my parents but they can really drive me crazy. They are constantly asking me how the kids are doing, how are they holding up but no one every ask me how I am doing. It is almost like I am expected to be OK at all times. My anixtey of new things sometimes overwhelms me as I always had someone to help me with this and they don't seem to understand. They almost never bring up my husband. I know in the beginning I would always break down in tears talking about him but I am in a different place now. I need to talk about my loneliness.


Earlier this week I reached out to my mother in law, wanted to send her something for Christmas. I try to call her every few weeks to check up on her, as her only living relative is her brother. I was told I should take me kids to church so they can get to know their real father. This came from her brother who is caring for her. I was so angry, what a stupid and insensitve to say. I am not overly religous and don't feel people should push their beliefs on anyone. Also I was told they would not be sending my kids anything for Christmas. This made me feel bad as his mother only acknowledged the kids on their birthday and Christmas, a $25 check for each. Now my husband is gone so she just stops, they don't stop being her grandkids. It is not about the money. We live states apart so the only contact are the calls I make as she has not made any calls to me since his death. Even though my kids are teenagers I know feel I have to makeup for someone else leaving their lives. 

denverkim
denverkim
avmom, I'm so sorry for your loss. This time of year seems to magnify things, which also includes bad behavior from people. I hope you can find that you're less lonely on this forum. I know I do, even when it feels like I'm the only person who feels this way.

I hope you've found a good support group in your new area. Grief Share is a great place to find local support group meetings. I wish you peace and comfort.

Kim
raininseattle
raininseattle
Keep trying. You are doing everything right. Sometimes it takes time for these labor to bear fruits. And it helps to speak to your family about your needs too. Hugs.
Rick51
Rick51
Pretty shabby behavior from mother-in-law.
cupolatte
cupolatte
Hi avmom, Some of my kids were teenagers when my husband died to. The others were younger. I had that same feeling of needing to make up for what they had lost. I also moved, after about 3 years and built a house together with my mother, who had been widowed 2 weeks before my husband died. All of this to say that I think I have a good picture of what you are going through. I am glad that the grief is not as overwhelming as it was in the beginning and I sure understand about the lonliness. You know people don't really know what to say when you lose a spouse. They are afraid of "reminding" you of it, as if it is not present every second of every day. They want to be kind, but the anger part of grief is so strong, that it is hard to accept what they say with a gracious heart. I remember this well. You put on the big front, but whatever they say is going to bring out the anger and resentment. I remember being angry at women for still having their husbands and in my opinion, they didn't value them enough. I was angry at women who complained about their husbands. I was angry at people who said "Let me know if I can do anything," because there was nothing they could do. It didn't matter what they said, because that was just the stage of grief I was going through. My goodness, I was even mad at my grief counselor because he told me that things would get better and in five years, I would be living again. I think it is admirable that you have stayed in touch with your mother-in-law. It sounds like there was no real relationship there to begin with anyway. I would try to not let that add to my problems if I were you. Your siblings and parents seem to really care about your kids. I would like to say something about your brother-in-law if I may. Perhaps he was not very adept when he suggested that your kids need to know their real father, but if a person truly believes that a relationship with God is a comfort and necessary for life, wouldn't he be remiss and even cruel in not mentioning it to you. This was probably his clumsy attempt at helping you and your family. (At least I hope those were his motives.) Anyway, I will be praying for you, that God would comfort you in your lonliness and bring back the joy of relationships to you and make these relationships less awkward. This takes time though. In the meantime, hang in there and God bless.