One thing for sure is that, any question beginning with "Why" God, is completely off limits for me, or any other human, to answer.
Your pain is tortuous. So is mine. and I'm pretty sure that everyone's here is, or was.
My husband was a very resilient man who was the rock in our family. I always said that if I went first, he would remarry pretty soon. and would be ok, although grieved.
Me? Not so. Today is not the day to list every weakness and instability of mine.
The only thing equal to my grief, is my inherent failure.
Nevertheless, over two years is behind me and the date of my husbands' death. THAT is tough.
because, the reality is that I have already travelled 2 years into what was, at the time of his death "my future". It is mostly a blur.
Many members here have accomplished a great deal, which I have not.
You need to vent all emotion, or it will drown you.
HUG.
Barb.

I so appreciate your questions and sincerely can relate to your pain. I was blessed over the last two and a half years to work for a wonderful bishop and assist many great clergy and lay ministers. My Bishop/boss spoke at my husband's funeral. What he said probably irritated a few of my traditional Catholic friends and family. To paraphrase, he said God did not do this to us. He said God is NOT some puppet master residing in the heavens pulling strings deciding this person will live, this one die. God does Not choose one person to die quickly and without pain while another clearly suffers. God does NOT answer one families heartfelt prayers and ignore another's earnest requests. He said... as the popular saying goes..."stuff" happens! What this realization has meant for me is, I must learn a new way to pray. If God does not grant some wishes and pass over others (for good reasons that we mere mortals can't understand) then I must modify how I pray. I prayed so sincerely as my husband convulsed and turned blue before my eyes. I prayed out loud!.(recorded I assume on the 911 call,) and yet my beloved died. I for sanity reasons have to trust that stuff does happen. God doesn't choose to let evil, hateful people live to 95 and take good, loving husbands and fathers at the tender age of 54. I believe somethings, such as genetics or physics are at play. My husband would never have left me or his family if he had any control. I know he is at peace and I pray someday I will be able to be reunited with him.
I choose to believe that God does love me, so he must not have been able to stop the arteries from filling with plaque and causing a massive heart attack. I do know for sure that God blessed me with the most skillful medical staff and an abundance of love and support from family, friends and most surprisingly, my husbands coworkers. He would have been so touched by all the folks that have stepped up to help me and my boys.. I pray that you have some of that support as well. I wish you love and peace in this confusing, gut wrenching time of grief!
Lisa

I can certainly understand how you feel. Two years before my husband passed away, I lost my mother, then, a niece a year later; she was only 41, and I was very close to her. My husband's death followed less than a year later. I lost my younger brother six months later, another brother a year later, my younger brother's wife two years later, my older brother's wife three years later, and my sister just last summer. At times, I feel so alone and, although I have friends, it just isn't the same as family. I have questioned why God has allowed my entire family to be wiped out when other families are completely in tact. All I know at this point is that I do believe in God and that I will never ever understand why He did not intervene and save all those who have passed. My faith, even though it has waivered at times, is what has carried me through these past years. Also, I have been seeing a therapist to try and work through my grief. Roxanne

I also had asked the question why to God. My husband died at 60 of unknown cause overseas. He had a clean bill of health too. His mom is still living at 94. His father passed away at 97. My husband did not inherit any longevity gene. If he could help it he would have wanted to be with me. I thank God that I had a wonderful husband and father to our children. I also thank my husband each day for being here for me and the family. We can't control many things in life, but we could hold all the good memories in our hearts.

Please don't ever think that God is unable to do anything. The angel said to Sara " Is anything too hard for Jehovah?" But we have to look at it some other way. Death happens because sin happened. God told Adam it would if he did and he did...That's all. Death spread to everyone but we have a saviour from it. David prayed that his sick son wouldn't die and he died. Others just touched or asked Jesus to say the word for healing. Chance happens but God allows or doesn't allow it. Remember what Jesus said about the people that died from the fallen tower, etc.in his day--that they were not sinners more than others but that except they repent they would all likewise perish. Acts 2:38 Acts 22:16

It doesn't make sense. I was raised Catholic as well, but am not a practicing Catholic anymore. I used to go to church once a week to pray (not to attend mass), but I didn't set foot inside a church after my husband's memorial service last November until very recently. I felt compelled to go there. That doesn't mean you will. It's been almost 9 months since he was killed - we were in a car accident, and I survived without a scratch. I also wondered and continue to wonder why I was spared, along with my one cat. Our other animals perished as well. The pain was and is still brutal, and I still have flashbacks and terrors. Going to a widows and widowers grief support group for a couple months helped tremendously. I am now seeing a therapist who works with people with PTSD.
Please be kind to yourself. I know it isn't easy, but you will survive.