Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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maryelnew 05/26/2015

I've been doing ok with husband's passing, but this weekend, my sister, who can be toxic has left me feeling bad about myself. Maybe if she wasn't my older/only sister I wouldn't keep letting her impact me so much. I think I can't shake it this time because my husband isn't here this time to let me know it's ok, I'm more than person she believes me to be. I have friends who love me and other family members who understand what she can be like, but it's not the same. And the funny thing is, I used to try to defend her to him and that would cause a little bit of tension between the two of us sometimes. Oh, how I would love to feel a little bit of that now. But for today, I just need to shake her negative energy and venom. The incident happened Saturday night and I still can't let go. I'm afraid it has pushed me from coping into depression. My Mom is finally going to come home from the rehab this week after her surgery last month and I'll be here to stay with her for a few days, so I hope the time away from my normal routine, will keep me from slipping into that funk i have worked so hard to avoid since his passing. I don't have words to express how weary she has made me on top of all else I've been dealing with. I know a lot of families have the same issues, so if anyone has any suggestions for dealing with her from there own experience, please let me know.

dschwartz 05/26/2015

So sorry to hear that you had to endure a toxic experience with sis. Yak. My only advice is that I limit time w/ fam members like her. A little dose goes a long way. You have a voice also, remember that . . and I'd call her on specifics as they are occuring, rather than absorbing them and feeling toxic yourself. You have a right to NOT be around toxic people and if she can't behave herself, then she needs to understand that you can set boundaries of time limits on her visits! Once you find your voice, it can be amazing how things will change! Hang in there. Hugs, D

hgsdms 05/26/2015

Dayna gave you excellent adivce maryelnew. Stay away from her as much as possible and concentrate on your friends....family by choice.

Coop84 05/26/2015

Hi! I am so sorry to hear about your sister. My younger sister and I have always had a love/hate relationship. It was always my darling Art that would calm me down after a toxic visit. Art loved everybody but he did not like my sister. He could not stand to watch how she would treat me. Seems she has issues with me that go way back to when I was 16. Really!!!! Before Art passed, I had a huge blow out with her shortly after our sister Laurie died in 2010. It was at that time that I decided I could not have her in my life anymore. I did get an email from her when Art died that made me realized I had made the best decision to part ways with her. She told me it was hard for her to find the words to use seeing as we have had so many issues in the past. Wow!!! In order for me to continue healing, I surround myself with positive people who love me for who I am. Nobody is perfect. I get what you are saying. I hope you are able to get past your differences. Hugs. Sue

npc4204 05/26/2015

Sue, you and I have the same sister!!

My only advice to anyone in this situation is to distance yourself from them. We certainly don't need toxic, negative or mean people in our lives.

"Everybody brings joy to us ... some when they come and some when they go"

dcheramie 05/26/2015

I echo whats already been said, and will point out this

"I think I can't shake it this time because my husband isn't here this time to let me know it's ok, I'm more than person she believes me to be. I have friends who love me and other family members who understand what she can be like"

Yes...he just did...you know what he would have said..he's just saying it differently now..believe that..

wendimac 05/26/2015

I have a sister like that too, Mary...and I only see her a couple of times/year, for only about 1/2 hour at a time. She never respected my husband...even in one of our wedding photos where she was my maid of honour, she had a very sullen look on her face...she didn't show up for the funeral, and to add insult to injury, when he passed, she said 'call me if you need anything'...I sent her an email asking if she could loan me a 20 until payday...that was a week ago...haven't heard back. Even if she couldn't do it, she could have at least answered me. I could go on, but that would take take too long. Like I said, I only see her a couple times a year.
That being said, I agree with everyone who is telling you to limit your time with her...negativity is something that you just don't need on top of everything else. Try your best to brush it off...I know it's hard...but there are more important things in your life than her opinion, especially if it's toxic. Take care, and try to push it from your mind.
Wendi

deleted_user 05/26/2015

Mary, I hear every word you're saying. You have the right to be your own person to have the people in your life who will bring you comfort and joy.

It is absolutely tiring to deal with mean and evil people....Words will only tire you out......If you MUST help your Mom.....Do what you can and when your sister comes near you WALK AWAY.....Don't say a word....Just walk away.

Your meaningful silence will say and mean more than any words that she will only deflect. Anyone who witnesses it will see that YOU are the bigger and more intelligent person and will no longer allow ANYONE to suck the joy out of your soul!

It took me a long time to understand and "get" this with my own toxic group but man does it send a great message......the silence is deafening!

Now, go, be happy and keep that joy inside!

Roz

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