[[[[[[mel40]]]]]]

Sounds like you're in 100% shock -

I feel for you - (((HUGS)))

I recall times of being giddy, but when I looked in the mirror my face was sallow; my entire body was sallow. That told me something was wrong -

It happens, you'll be okay. For myself, I took it to mean I was in survival mode, my brain sending messages throughout my body to live, live, live -

Slow down, try to calm yourself during these episodes by using breathing techniques; recall those you may have learned for child labor. Being still while allowing these emotions to wash over you is very difficult to do, however, I highly recommend it to regain some balance. It will also help you to think clearly; as much as can be expected with widow brain -

Also try not to make any major decisions for at least a year if you absolutely do not need to. You want to avoid consequences that can cause feelings of guilt -

I'm certain your kids do not want you to be miserable as well as others, however, they are the ones witnessing your behavior; behavior that is foreign & confusing to them. It might also make them feel frightened & helpless. They are concerned about your well being & want you to be safe -

It would be to your benefit to learn & understand the many symptoms of grief especially those that can bring about a false sense of happiness at discarding his belongings or confidence when making decisions -

Please take care of yourself first in every way possible. Doing this will help your kids feel safe -

I want to go through his things with my kids to remember him, not dispose of them. The happy, good times we had with him. Talking about who he was and what he stood for and how much he loved us and what he would want us to do from this point forward.
I guess you are right about feeling what I feel. I allow myself to be sad, but I can't just sit and let the house fall apart or not pay bills or feed our pets or my daughter. So, I do those things. And I work full time.
What other choice do I have?
I agree with the one year rule. I try to live by it, although, some big decisions do have to be made, so I try to not "change anything for at least a year." We will stay in the house. I will stay at my job. I will do the things that have always interested me and try not to take on any huge DIY projects. (Which I am known to do.)

I do think you are in a fog, right now, but you seem to be doing OK. I'm sure you starting grieving for your husband long before he died. You do need to live in the moment and feel what you are feeling, whatever it is, is normal. It's part of grieving. I know a lot about the distraction part, because I did that in the beginning. I went through the motions and tried to keep everything as normal as possible. Except, it's not the same, we are alone and we have to learn to live alone.

I went to 2 different grief classes, read books on grief, and tried talking about my husband as much as possible. Making changes are fine, as long as it's not a major change, that you might regret later. Change your bedroom, paint a room, any of this will give you something to look forward to and be a positive change.

Good Luck and Big Hugs,
Paula

I am at 10 weeks... I remember 4 weeks really well. Being able to handle things a lot better than I am now. The numbness and the Shock, are what gives you the strength to do this. Theres a certain releif to us that were the caregivers, a relief hat they are no longer in pain. But as weeks go by, you realize the pain they have left you with. And I have been told by other widow, if you push the pain aside, when it hits, it is so much worse. You have a total Meltdown. It could be the length we were married (48) or our ages (63)....But DO whatever it takes to get through this. Best of luck to you.....

I truly understand what you're saying -

Taking care of your daughter & paying bills are responsibilities you cannot avoid; those are not major decisions -

Moving, selling or renting your house, quiting or changing a job, dating, etc are major decisions. You have made sound decisions regarding your job & house. Both as well as others can be changed when the time comes, if ever -

As for your kids, I understand your desire to go through his belongings & talk w/them about their father, however, they may not be ready. At this time, their primary concern may be only be about you ... this is to be expected since they tend to fear losing their only parent -

I heard a gazillion times that kids are resilient. I found w/my kids they were able to contain to their grief till I was through the worst of my grief, then they broke down. The reason for this was fear & helplessness -

Watching me grief or just being aware of it was frightening to them. Children & young adults do not have the life experience or coping skills older adults have. They worry out of their mind if "mommy" or "daddy" is going to be okay ... w/no relief from their agnozing fears -

Monitor your behavior around them to the best of your ability to avoid upsetting them. Try to make them feel safe in their environment by maintaining your old schedule such as eating together nightly at the dinner table or church on Sunday or chores like laundry on Saturday. These sound like worthless tasks, but they are vitally important in providing safety, security & less confusion for the kids.whether they live w/your or not. Keeping them busy allows them to relieve some stress. Believe me, at times it was absolutely draining -

Been there, done that, still do - one helluva ride ~

Take care ~

You are in the "numb-auto pilot" stage. It is where you have just been through such a horrible trauma that your brain just can't begin to comprehend it just yet. It is the way that our brains protect us from the unsurvivable. Believe me...when it hits...it hits hard! I was able to go around and DO everything that I needed to early on. I think it was like the first three months. I took care of everything that needed to be taken care of. I could not tell you anything about that time now. It is like someone else was making me do everything. I was busy and I thought doing surprisingly well. The physical gut wrenching pain that followed brought me to my knees. I was so NOT ready for THAT part. Yeah...like someone else said...sad, lonely, I expected THAT. The feeling like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and stomped on and the gut wrenching pain and uncontrollable tears...no...no one ever ever prepared me for THAT!

It all comes in its own time and every person goes through the stages in their own time and in their own way.

Big (((((hugs))))) to you as you place one foot in front of the other.
-Diana

I was in a fog for a long time. Take your time about doing anything too soon. Our minds are just not adjusted to the loss in the beginning. Wait a year for any " big" decisions.

My thoughts were very different when it was happening and the first few months then they are now. Reality has set in and its just so hard.
Don't rush anything right now, you may be sorry later if you throw out things too soon.

miss my hero.... I like that saying..... numb-auto pilot" stage.

For myself, it was a case of having a great support system with the family, during my wife's battle with cancer and then being left alone after my wife's funeral in less than 12 hours. Then it was two weeks of every day sorting through paperwork, many phone calls.

Within the first two weeks I was able, although difficult to do, sort through many of my wife's clothing so I could give them to her daughter as my wife requested. Then I started to collect items of my my wife's belongings for a memory box. It came to a stop when I came across valentines day cards from over the 16 plus years we were together for. The notes we wrote to each other. It will take me some more time to be able to carry on. I am at a complete standstill in terms of what I feel I can do. I just do things at this time because I know I need to do them, I have to do them.

I didn't see my family, was alone the 1st day,that night, then next day, one child came for 2 hours. mostly was left alone.... After funeral, I was left alone for about a week.....grandson came to stay with me that weekend.....If my grandaughter hadn't come by, I would have had to drive myself there and I caught a ride from cemetary to home. My kids rode together...I had to get a ride from funeral home, to cemetary too....

The first weeks can bring a number of emotions--numb auto pilot is indeed a good term for it. I can't tell you how long the fog lasts because it's different for everyone-- but I can tell you that it probably hasn't lifted at 4 wks--right now most likely reality has not even begun to set it. Give yourself time--everything you want to do will still be there in a few more weeks or months. If you can smile then smile, if you wake up excited about the day and it's challenges that's wonderful--live each day the best you can. I would just say not to make any really important decisions for a while. What you feel today may not be what you feel a month from now, or six months from now. Eventually a certain sense of reality and finality sets in--you may feel totally different about a lot of things at that time. I am guessing what your daughter sees as "distraction" is shock--and the surreal haze that surrounds us for a while after losing a spouse.

Hi (((mel40))),

I responded to your reply regarding your tween, its the 3rd one down from yours -

I'm informing you of this so it does not get lost in the replies -

My post "Happy sigh of relief" describes the issues my children had as a result of "my grief" -

It is not intended to scare you (anyone) or to ask for pity, it was written for those in my situtation to provide hope for the recovery of their child or children, and for parents to monitor their children for questionable behavior. Kids deal w/issues much differently these days; mostly due to having access to the internet at school & at home; it can provide unsafe inforrmation -

While I only had 3 confirmed readers of my post, I had hoped it would serve to enlighten others. Raising a kid(s) while grieving is an extremely important issue & is cause for great concern for me because the affects can be carried on into adulthood & possibly be everlasting -

Please understand that while my style of writing is sort of clinical, it is done so to ensure the information is understood by the reader -

*Prayers & Blessings* ~

I described my initial response to my husbands death as feeling so thankful for our life together. It was surreal, and happens to some. It lasted a few weeks and then small things that I depended on him for cracked my armour. The first year is one of heightened emotions, so don't worry. I called it like being in a fog or as others said on auto-pilot.

As for your children they are resilient! They understand more than we realize and their concern for you is normal. You have all lost a huge part of your life. This is scarey for them and you. Talking to them about missing dad is good. I would never shield them from your emotions, because they need to know they are allowed to be sad and miss him. Let them know, we will get through this together with happy memories of ths past and tears of the present.

We can only do what we feel is right for us and then move to the next moment. Being in a fog is okay. You can assure your daughter that you know your in a fog, but you will be okay. You're sad and miss her dad. I would let his belonging be for you a private time to remenise. I often looked and touched Don's clothes. They are part of him that eventually you won't need to keep the memories. For now, let them be for a while.

Keeping busy is good, but take time for you also. You don't want to avoid the emotions. You want to explore them and the feelings they bring. A good cry is healthy and you will have many. So will his child. It's okay. Sharon

11 weeks for me...... I quit. I don't want to be a widow. Do not like it, and am not good at it. I want to feel like me again. I want to run away from it all.....