Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I have recently reached the 3 year mark, on December 5th, so this is my 4th Christmas without my husband. I would just like to share with you who are new on this journey that it does get better. I have finally re-gained my joy in the holiday season. This does not mean that I miss him any less, or that I have not shed a few tears this year, but it does mean that I do not see the holiday defined by sorrow. My focus has somehow changed so that my memories of him and of us are more warm and fizzy this year, if that makes any sense; it's hard to describe, but it is so much better than the sharp pain that I felt other years.
Unlike some of those who have sucessfully moved into new relationships, I have not, and maybe never will; time will tell. I have made changes in my holliday celebrations all on my own, and found which things worked for me.
l. After that first Christmas, I bought a different tree for the next year and also new ornaments, keeping only a few hand-made ornaments that meant something to both Stan and me.
2. I did not send cards to some of the people and couples that Stan and I used to send to, not wanting to appear "needy". I waited to see who contacted me first, and then responded to them, feeling that was a little more authentic.
3. I learned painfully from that first Christmas Eve that it was important to have a back-up plan of what to do for the key times when I felt the loneliest After that first year I made sure to have a Christmas video to watch or a book to read for those hours when I was by myself, rather than counting on other people to be around and distract me.
4. It may sound selfish, but I learned to make Christmas about me, and how I wanted to celebrate it, not about us and what we would have done.
Stan is a part of my past and some of my best Christmases, and I carry those good memories with me to build on how I do things now.
The holidays will probably always bring a few tears, but at least they no longer knock me off balance. Are there other sugesstions and comments that you "old timers" would like to share by way of encouragement?
We have been there, we remember .I hold each and every one of you in my thoughts and prayers. Peace for the holidays. Laurabp
Unlike some of those who have sucessfully moved into new relationships, I have not, and maybe never will; time will tell. I have made changes in my holliday celebrations all on my own, and found which things worked for me.
l. After that first Christmas, I bought a different tree for the next year and also new ornaments, keeping only a few hand-made ornaments that meant something to both Stan and me.
2. I did not send cards to some of the people and couples that Stan and I used to send to, not wanting to appear "needy". I waited to see who contacted me first, and then responded to them, feeling that was a little more authentic.
3. I learned painfully from that first Christmas Eve that it was important to have a back-up plan of what to do for the key times when I felt the loneliest After that first year I made sure to have a Christmas video to watch or a book to read for those hours when I was by myself, rather than counting on other people to be around and distract me.
4. It may sound selfish, but I learned to make Christmas about me, and how I wanted to celebrate it, not about us and what we would have done.
Stan is a part of my past and some of my best Christmases, and I carry those good memories with me to build on how I do things now.
The holidays will probably always bring a few tears, but at least they no longer knock me off balance. Are there other sugesstions and comments that you "old timers" would like to share by way of encouragement?
We have been there, we remember .I hold each and every one of you in my thoughts and prayers. Peace for the holidays. Laurabp
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I am going through my first Christmas without my DH, Brian. Your post meant a lot to me and I hope I continue to remember the happier times rather than focus on the sad. Brian was very sick last Christmas and he passed away on January 25, 2011. I'm trying really hard to not let those thoughts take me over. Thank you for posting.
Nessie from KY
this advice was wonderful, and as a matter of fact the being alone part, and getting through it, is exactly what I'm doing this year on my very first christmas without Greg. I have many offers of people to spend it with, but I want to do this this year especially, not only for my own strength to know I can get through this, but to honor the christmas' past with Greg. I do have some dvd's of us, and also am stocked up on books to read. I figure I gotta look this right in the eye, and when I make it, I will know that I CAN make it!!!
Everytime I do something, anything, that brings a smile to someone else or to myself, I figure I am really FLIPPING OFF the desease that took Greg. It may have taken him, but it is not gonna take me too! I do it for the both of us, and it seems to be working so far. I only hope it keeps working!
You are so KIND to do this, and reach out to all of us who are experiencing this for the very first time. You, and the words you wrote, are inspirational, practical, and KNOWLEDGEABLE!!
HUGS and thank you!!!
Diane
Thank you for the encouragement. This is my first without my Phil. Trying to be strong.
Have not decorated, but a wreath on the door.
Your sweet words give me hope for a better tomorrow.(Hugs)
Debi
Judy
I have done #1 mostly and # 2 and #3 - working on...
I am working on putting stress and worry on the shelf during Christmas time....
Peace and comfort to all
i am happy for you, Dear One. You are a voice of hope for me. ~S