Hi. I am three months further on this journey than you but it is still fresh for me too. My opinion is that what you are feeling is normal. It is not the objects themselves so much but rather his relation to (or tie to) those objects. His things help you still close to him...I think. I am the same way...I want everything of my husbands things now. I figure in time as I accept this more I will be able to step back and let go of his things better. But for now I want those things close to me. Don't pressure or judge yourself. God bless. Hugs to you!

Thank you for your reply. Only now I realise there is a recent post discussing this same issue... I guess it's one of those repetitive themes that we share in our journey, and that likely will keep coming back to the forum. Thank you for the support

I'm coming up on 6 months and nothing in that aspect has changed. Everything of Deannas is still exactly in the same place yet and it will stay that way for the foreseeable future.
If there's something in that flat why don't you feel free to go and get it, you have first right of ownership don't you? Don't worry about hoarding, later if you feel like it you can always part with things. It's your choice.

Best Regards George

After our loved one passes, all that is left (besides the memories of course) is this omnium-gatherum (miscellaneous collection) of 'stuff.' We view the stuff as part of our AND our loved one's lives together. How the items are dealt with is an individual thing as to how soon we part with it. In reality they are just material items and have no meaning other than the emotional attachment we place on it; we sometimes protect it that it is part of, or extension of our loved one. In other words, there are memories attached to each item. It is individual choice; no right or wrong here - we simply grasp onto what little is left. That is normal. As time passes, it will become more clear as to what items of theirs to keep and cherish and others will be gradually given away, sold or whatever. Like I've said before, little bits of a life together go down the road one piece at a time.

It is 16 months for me and my husband's desk is the same way he left it. I have dumped some stuff on top but his computer and ham radio equipment sit as they were.

He wanted to be buried with his wedding ring so I left it on. He also wanted to be buried with a quilt I made him.. I took it to the funeral home but then I asked for it back. I had given it to him as an anniversary present and I just wanted it to remember.

At my grief group someone hadn't started on the clothes at 5 years. But I have started as I want to move. Each of us will do what we can.

You don't have to a reason to keep his belongings ...
You want it, you keep it, end of story ...
Why we feel emotionally attached to inanimate objects is hardly worth thinking about; rationalizing or intellectualizing only provides more distance from grief that doesn't resolve it ...
What you will be forced to learn in the first year is grief will be your companion 24/7; it will be done, you will rest & it will be repeated ...
The lesson of accepting it is the hardest to tackle ...
For myself, I had to tell myself on a daily basis that it was okay to grieve - there was great meaning for it & at the end I know why .. .
Doing that allowed me to be more compassionate w/myself, it relieved guilt & the demands I placed on myself that kicked my ass the most ...
That is how I defined productive grief & working it through as a process ...
Every step is important & is repeated till its settled ...
There is so much more to let go of than objects ...
The hardest is you letting go of your emotional attachment to him ...
Love never dies, but it does change in unexpected ways that at the gut level are unimaginable ...
In retrospect, had I known everything I was to learn, adjust to & subsequently accept I would've undoubtedly been in an ongoing state of disbelief or dissocaition ...
It is simply far too much to cope with in a short amount of time ...
Lay down whatever boundaries you want w/out explanation ...
Most of all be gentle w/yourself & try not to place unrealistic demands on yourself b/c only you will suffer from it ...

A good lesson I taught myself was to be okay w/my grief; to accept it as a companion for the next some odd years ...
I had to reinforce this daily & more so when the terrible two year came crashing in ...
Its enough that others put pressure on us to "get over It", but its worse when we do it to ourself ...
I know how hard this is when emotionally charged searching in vain for meaning, something to do that will relief the misery, to get yourself functioning ...
Its like fighting against grief & getting nowhere ...

[[[HUGS ]]]

As an Addendum to Dot's post, a proverb.

Letting go is the central theme of this life. We can either agree with its great lesson and learn to release our resistance to unwanted moments... or cling and cry, and continue serving a suffering that changes nothing.

I myself really don't like this but it is a harsh blunt, to the point reality that sooner or later we have to except

Best Regards George

Tell that "brother" to keep his paws off anything that is yours/your husband's. If it isn't his, he should not touch.

Maggie

After a year, I still had most of his things. I gave a few things away to close friends and family. Slowly, I moved things out and sometimes I had to put them back and try again. Now, 4 years and a house move later, I have kept things that I want my son to have of his, a few things that I still use, and photos.

Proverb by George ...

"Letting go is the central theme of this life. We can either agree with its great lesson and learn to release our resistance to unwanted moments... or cling and cry, and continue serving a suffering that changes nothing."

This is quite true ...
Even though a person can choose either one to be their answer, it doesn't soften grief in the least ...
The process of getting to acceptance mind, body & soul is most of the journey ...
Be gentle w/yourself, take all the time you need for resolution & try not to rush it ...
Light be on your path ...

Iam sorry for what you are fearing, yours is unique in that, you weren't married..yet. So it has to be hard to watch his brother come in and take hold/ownership of what was to be your dream home. The best I can offer is to keep an open door with the brother until you are able to get the things you want that are yours in heart...but probably next of kin on paper.
So call the brother up, make a good reason and gather what you can. Any way that is acceptable to him. hopefully he feels you as a sister in law, not a girlfriend. The chalk board>, spray with some good old AQUA net, to set the chalk. then spray shallac it!

You have a hard enough time as it is with out a sweater or favorite flannel shirt to hold on to. But when you get them, make a hug pillow , it will help.

J.

The emotions we attach to objects - especially in the early days - are understandable. It helps to have something tangible to hang onto. I hope his brother will be reasonable and understanding, and let you back in to retrieve these things.

When my husband died, I asked my older son what of his father's things he wanted, as by right as firstborn he got first choice. He thought for awhile and finally said, "Nothing. Dad wasn't about 'stuff' - that's not how I think of him." I kept some things for him anyway, but what he was trying to get at was that Cliff was in his heart, his mind, and that was more precious to him.

I hope his brother is understanding.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Just to say thank you to you all, and to give an update. So my pseudoBIL was here in the country for a week, found the time to have a coffee with me on day 3, and then the night before his plane took of. I emptied my agenda one week ago, the day he texted he would arrive, so I would be totally available to receive him, but he didnt tell me the time he arrived, chose one of Ts "friends" to pick him up, so it was all for nothing. The last 19 I was hoping he would notice and we could be together a little because that day was two months, but now I feel stupid I even considered that. He did ask my opinion of the things in the flat and I told him clearly I wanted it all, of course. So saturday late at night, the only time he said he was available before leaving, I arrive there and instantly noticed he had removed stuff, all the paintings were missing, the backs of our brand new sofa were all missing - likely used to protect the paintings - and, sure enough, our chicken chalkboard was missing.... I couldnt hide my despair and cried and he said it was not a problem, that he didnt know it was significant and I could just get it from where it was... which he didnt know where it was, because he hadnt done the arrangements (Ts "friend" had). He also said that he was surprised I didnt remove things during these months. No, you piece of crap, I thought we could do it together and I waited out of consideration for you and out of sheer shock and desperation! So next I contact Ts "friend" and ask him to give me the location of the stuff. He gives me a company number, that I call today, and they say they are totally unaware of what the hell am I talking about. I contact my Ts "friend" again, and he says he misunderstood me, he thought I wanted the moving companys number, for my own use.... He says he does not know the packing company, that my pseudoBIL knows. So I just called my pseudoBIL, who of course doesnt pick up, and left him a message asking for him to call me urgently, and now I wait. While I wait, I think how interesting twisted and complex our love story always has been... Unfortunately my brain also finds the time to have flashes of unpleasant things I can do to all these people if they go on making my life this difficult. Its like they are unaware that I really havent got much to loose anymore, and it amazes me how intelligent people willingly play with fire. I always had temper issues, T is the only one that gets/got me, and he is not around to hug me and calm me anymore. If he is, than I have some kinda of block because now its the time I would really appreciate it because I am starting to loose it. Funny how such intense feelings can coexist: intense sadness and intense anger. It would be better if there was only room for a one really intensive type of emotion. Anyway, just found it today is the international day for the elimination of violence against women. How ironic that violence can take so many shapes... Sorry for yet another enormous post.

If the items that were removed were your property, and they were removed without your permission, it is theft - call the police and report it. Call the BIL and the friend and let them klnow you are contacting the police.

I am sorry he is being such an a@@hole.

Hugs...

Tomorrow will be four months since my husband passed away. His clothes are still in the closet and one of the dresser drawers. I can wear four of his sweaters which are cozy for this weather, some socks and undershirts. I wear his watch and his wedding band. It comforts me. Maybe in the years to come I will separate, but for now, I feel just fine.