If you read books on grief you will find your feelings are very normal for the grief process.....

Just take small steps a little at a time in your own time frame

True, these are normal feelings for grief ~
However, if you read books on how to heal grief you will find the most important part ~
Grieving is an active process of engaging in grief work; it is not a passive one, and recovery is a choice ...
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How far down the rabbit hole do you want to go? ~Reggie_
To find your purpose, to find inner happiness ~

Roller Coaster is a very apt description of what we experience in the beginning; and the length of the beginning is different for each person. Hang on! Ride it out! It does get better :) I did a lot of journaling in the beginning. It helped to get the thoughts out, the good, bad and ugly! I think our body is not only reacting to what we've experienced, it is working towards finding it's new equilibrium; and that will happen, it will get better in time. And that time varies with each person. So in the interim, be kind, patient and gentle with yourself. Seek professional help if you think that will help you, and come to this site often, we can all relate to what you are going through; and will walk with you are you re-adjust to making life your own. Blessings always.

There are differences betwix feelings, emotions & reactions ~
As well as a major difference between denial & dissociation ~
Neither should last anywhere near 11 days; not even 2 complete days ~

Your best bet is to look up warning signs;the serious affects caused by grief for preventive care ~
I've experienced both the physical & mental ~
Taking care of yourself means being pro active w/both mental & physical health; not dismissive ~

OOPS! I meant to say:

There are differences betwix feelings, emotions & SENSATIONS ~
As well as a difference between denial & dissociation, in addition,
NEITHER ARE AN EMOTION. They are psychological defenses ~

As part of your own grief work, it is best to look up warning signs ~
The serious affects caused by grief requiring MEDICAL ATTENTION ~

Grieving is an active process of engaging in grief work; it is not a passive one, and recovery is a choice ...

Good luck ~

Dot - recovery is a choice? Maybe later on, but in those first months I was still trying to convince myself that I wanted to live, much less recover.

Russ - yes, you're right on about your brain protecting yourself, so to speak. And yes, I went through what you've described, too. What we say about baby steps? They mean something. Journaling, exercising (even a little walk), talking to friends, crying - I remember thinking, what in the hell is this doing for me? The baby steps add up. I just didn't see it until some time had passed.

Russ, there is nothing abnormal about what you are experiencing. You aren't crazy. In fact, it is quite normal to go through good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks, etc. It's not "dissociation" or whatever - that's something completely different. What you described is typical, normal, healthy.

The stages of grief are not linear, and you will go back and forth between them more than once. Sometimes it will feel like two steps forward, one step back, or one step forward and two steps back! I call it the Widow's Waltz. You'll be feeling good one week, and thinking you're doing great, and then the next week something will set it off and you'll feel lousy again. It's normal.

The bad days and weeks are often set off by special days, like anniversaries, but can also be set off by things like the change in seasons, or a song on the radio, or something on the news that reminds you of your loss. These things will come up time and time again, but with each one you get through, you build strength and stamina, and the knowledge that you have been through it before and come through it makes it easier to face the next time. At 5 years 7 months, I know some days or periods of time will be a challenge - like late May which holds Mother's Day, our wedding anniversary, and one of my kids' birthdays. Knowing that I have survived these things before, however, makes them less painful and easier to recover from. The waves still knock me down, but I am back on my feet pretty quick now.

When you have loved a long time, of course it's going to be a bumpy ride trying to rebuild your life without the one you love. It will take time, and it is like Marsha said - baby steps. But each baby step is a victory, never doubt that.

Hang in there, you will get through this.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I want to thank everyone for their responses but especially Marjoe & Cliffskat as no one else really seemed to go through these longer periods of up/down times that I was experiencing.. This is such an awful journey, but what else can we do but march on. I'm very thankful to have found this group but I'm very sorry we all need to be going through this.
God Bless!

Russ