Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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NewRoadsForMe 01/12/2011

Since we all seem to have had the same experiences, we know what widow(er)'s experiences are. There is a common core among us even though we have some different situations.

How can we tell the public:
1. Mention his name to me. To ignore his name is to deny he lived and was iimportant.
2. Remind me of good memories we had together.
3. Losing a spouse is different from losing other loved ones. Loss of a spouse means loss of your life 24/7 as you knew it.
4. CALL ME! A call means you care and right now we feel no one cares (even tho that's not true). You can say you were "thinking of you" or "calling to see how you are" or "Do you need any groceries? I'm on my way to the store."
5. Tell us how our spouse made your life better and happier.
6. Crying does not mean we wish you hadn't said anything. It is helping us release pent up destructive emotions.
7. Don't avoid us.
8. Bring us something (anything). A cutting from a favorite bush, some special bread, a poem, some fruit, etc.
9. Showing up at the funeral is not enough contact with you.
10. Talk about our loved ones and how precious they were in any way that you saw from your vantage point.

I know I missed some, so would like imput. What can we do to let society know they are "doing it all wrong" (the motto from Mr. Mom movie).
Thanks,
Kathleen

NewRoadsForMe 01/12/2011

Sometimes we answer our own questions. Funny. I wonder how a funeral home would feel about having a handout that gave helpful suggestions on how to help the bereaved? Or, could the family or church have a handout? No one would HAVE to do this, but what about making it available?

deleted_user 01/12/2011

From my experience, most of 1-10 happens automatically in small country communities, although there are exceptions, I'm sure. Metropolitan area's with their closeness seem to be actually counter condusive to social graces and standards, offering a mountain of excuses, to not know or visit your neighbor. I've never had anything to hide other than the usual party planning or inescapeable embaressing moments we all get into and so "everyone knowing my business" was not really a problem. It seems the greater the number of people, the lesser the value placed on each one. I live in the Chicago suburbs and everything is hurry hurry and keep moving please!! Communication is more affordable than any time ever in history, yet it goes unused (person to person)where it is needed most. I think that your idea would be an excellent service a church or funeral home could provide and it's sad that we actually have to tell people what they should already know.

deleted_user 01/12/2011

I think your idea of funeral homes passing these out to the guests might be a good idea. We live in a society that has a phobia about death and most people simply don't know what to do. As humans we tend to avoid things we are afraid of or uncertain of, and this is clearly seen after someone dies.

I would add these statements:

1) "Don't give up on me. I may not answer my phone, return emails, or be at events I used to attend. Don't take 'no' for an answer. Show up at my house and pry me out of it to go do something -- anything. I need your friendship for the long haul."

2) "Don't say, 'call me if you need anything." I'll never call. First of all, I have no idea what I'll need, and secondly grief is very isolating. Look around my house / life and identify something you can do to help me, then simply do it. And keep on doing it for a time if it's a necessary or helpful task."

Hope that helps. Have a great day. Tami

deleted_user 01/12/2011

Wow, all of these and also the two Tami suggested absolutely should be given to friends and family members.... I think your idea of having them handed out by funeral homes is a great idea.

Some friends really do want to be there for us, they just have no idea what to do.... in truth, before this happened to me, I never knew what to do for friends who'd suffered a loss. I wish I'd had these suggestions then...

deleted_user 01/12/2011

The funeral home and my church both gave out pamphlets/books to ME on how to handle grief, but giving something to family and friends would be a great idea. Honestly, most people just don't know what to say or do around us - they are afraid of hurting us more, or have a hard time dealing with loss themselves. One thing my church does that I DON"T like, is singling us (we have quite a few widows and widowers) out for special things. They had a Widows Appreciation Day - gave us flowers and a dinner. I know they meant well, but I don't want to be appreciated for being a widow! At Christmas they gave us fruit baskets. But not one member (other than another widow who lost her husband 3 months before me) has called me or come by to see if I needed anything since the first week after Kenny died. Don't get me wrong, I love my church and the people really helped me out alot at the beginning. People are busy, life goes on. I'm sure I was the same way before I was sent down this path alone. Sorry... I'm rambling. ~ Christie

deleted_user 01/12/2011

For what it's worth, I guess we shoulder some of the blame or responsibility as well. It's not easy to reach out and show how broken we are... But I guess anything we throw into the mix with honest motives, changes the picture and who knows where that may lead?

NewRoadsForMe 01/12/2011

In the Bible, it admonishes us to help widows and orphans. When someone is at my house and says Let me know if you need anything. I want to say, Look around! The wet leaves are all over my wood deck, tree limbs are down in the yard. There are mud holes in front of my mailbox where the paper deliverer skids off each morning. I need to eat every day. A ham would be nice, or meatballs, or whatever. Since the food from the funeral, no one has brought or done anything. I think churches, especially, should have a caring group that does a little follow-up on widows, especially all through the first year. I have discussed this with my church and probably I will take the lead in it.

deleted_user 01/12/2011

@newroadsf Good for you taking the lead on that. There is no one better to lead than someone who has already walked the path. Please pray for me that I can find a church here in the Chgo area, that is truly excited and motivated by real outreach programs rather than just "look good on paper" outreach programs. Most programs you get the typical "fill this out and we'll see if you qualify" jargon.........yatta yatta yatta. I turn and walk away, it's not money I'm looking for, but opportunity and support, emotionally with hopefully answers for where I am lost.

deleted_user 01/12/2011

Kathleen
what a wonderful post, and something that i think should be sent to local newspapers or churches.
about the only thing i would add would be
1) please do not tell me what you think my future will be, just help me through the present
hugs to all
judi

NewRoadsForMe 01/12/2011

In the year since Joe died, I have cleaned out all up under the house (tons of left over building supply pieces, heavy pipes, wire on a roll, etc.). I have carted off rotting garden hoses, rotten lumber, rusted tools. I have cut tree limbs. I have cut trees. I use the push mower and riding mower to keep our 2 1/2 acres looking nice but wooded. The new roof is covered in wet leaves. I tried blowing them off. No luck. Over time the rain has washed away soil so tree roots are exposed in our long driveway. Our 2 four-wheelers are sitting there ruined because they haven't been started in 2 years. Our golf cart we bought used when Joe was so sick so he could ride around our property is also gone dead and is covered with mold although all of these items are under cover. Our travel trailer has dry rot tires. Two large storage sheds are full of his stuff that I have to get rid of. We live out in a rural area, so don't want garage salers coming to my house since I am alone. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed. My son and daughter are loaded with responsibilities of their own. I will just keep plodding along and seeing the chiropractor regularly. Thank God for him. He's the next best thing to a husband. End on a humorous note......

deleted_user 01/12/2011

Nobody expects to meet an 18 year old widow. Folk have a picture of an old widow, perhaps their own Mum and Dad. Some might even be able to guess what its like to be a middle-aged widow. But how many 18 year old widows do they know.

They sometimes almost seem scared of me and that is a big (extra) burden for me to carry.

marjoe 01/12/2011

Kathleen - I'm going to go against the grain a bit here. ALL of your points are valid. But the fact of the matter is, people go back to their lives, and their lives can also be filled with hardship and stress. I felt this way, too - and I realized I was the same way before Joe died. It's up to us, each of us, to deal, to continue on. I feel I do my part by talking openly and honestly to my close friends, and to those who ask, openly. Amazingly, although I could sometimes be the bitch from hell, my friends could take it. I read a quote somewhere, that Americans are the only ones who think death is an option. Thus our society's way of not dealing. All I can do is in my small circle - but it starts and ends with me. ((hugs))

deleted_user 01/12/2011

I would have taken a hand out on how to help my friends who went before me on this widow/widower ''trip''. I remember thinking - I don't want to bother them. I felt that my caring and loving was very unimportant to them, compared to what they were feeling. I wish I had known then what I know now. The sad truth is that we can't depend on others for our own happiness, and if you find someone who you can share happiness with, well - we know, it's a blessing from God. I am trying to find my own way now, and not depend on others. I don't mean to be arrogant, but if it is to be, it's up to me. I'm so tired of my guts hurting, feeling like an outsider, being sad. Time to try to move ahead. How????? Beats the s---t out of me.

lovelos 01/12/2011

Kathleen this is all so true.....it would be a great idea if our friends and family had this information given to them at the funeral home. I know they have the best intentions but don`t know how to deal with "US" so avoidance is easier and more comfortable.

Thanks Lu Ann

1wngsfn 01/13/2011

Thank you for posting this. For whatever reason, I think we all have experienced the feeling of isolation after losing a spouse. My husband took his life Dec. 22nd, 2008 and I feel like people avoid me. I'm sure they don't know what to say. I understand. Nevertheless, I feel lonely. I think handouts at the funeral or church are a good idea. During the holiday season I was looking for answers to this question and came across what is written below. Blessings to all of you, Debbie

"Please Ask"

Someone asked me about you today. It's been so long since anyone has done that. It felt so good to talk about you, to simply say your name out loud. She asked me if I minded talking about you, or would it be painful to speak of it. I told her I think of it every day and speaking of it helps me to release tormented thoughts whirling around in my head. She said she never realized the pain would last this long. She apologized for not asking sooner. I told her, "Thanks for asking." I don't know if was curiosity or concern that made her ask, but told her, "Please do it again sometime soon." by Barbara Taylor Hudson

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