Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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rw18 03/27/2014

I lost my beautiful boyfriend in July, he was the love of my life, the man I planned on spending my whole life with but he was robbed from me aged just 25.
I work as a locum pharmacist so go round all different pharmacies, now a pharmacy environment is a very nosey environment, usually lots of women and they want to know everything about you, where you from, what uni you went to, where you live, if you have boyfriend? that question kills me everytime. Some of the pharmacies I've worked in a few times so one of the first things they always want to know is if I'm still with Matt as I think they could see how happy he made me. I was in one place yesterday I've worked in loads of times before but I've not been there since I lost Matt. I was talking to one of the women saying how I had a nice long weekend off so she asked me if I was up to anything nice with my boyfriend. It knocked for six, I wish I could have said yes but instead I had to explain for the millionth time how I lost him. I feel like every time I go to work in a new place I have to retell the story and it breaks my heart each time.
My friend was messaging me last night and told me maybe its time I started saying no I didn't have a boyfriend and no I'm not still with him as it would be easier to just say no and it will help me 'move on'. I just can't bring myself to say no, it may sound stupid but I still feel like I'm with him and saying no is betraying him. In my heart I think I'll always feel like I'm with him. My friend thinks it will help to say no I'm not with anyone but even thinking of that just hurts even more. I'm not ready to move on. I may sound mad and its not that I haven't accepted he's gone coz I know he's never coming back but I seen a quote on Facebook a few days ago that fits in perfectly with how I feel 'Death ends a life, not a relationship'..I was just wondering if anyone else feels the same? Is it normal to not bw able to say I'm not in a relationship 8 months after losing the one you love so much? Is it normal to still feel like you are in a relationship and saying no you're not is a betrayal to them

Rosepa 03/27/2014

If you said you weren't. In a relationship with him anymore, then they would ask what happened and you would have to tell it anyways.
Your relationship still exists for you.

Mimi1979 03/27/2014

My husband died over 11 months ago. I still wear my wedding rings. I still think of myself as married. To say that I am not in a relationship just sounds weird.

So, in my humble opinion, you sound very normal. Just a thought: You could say "Matt died last year. I am not seeing anyone at this time." And let it go.

Follow your heart.
Mary

handg 03/27/2014

For others who have not gone through this type of lost, it`s hard to imagine how we may feel . To them they may perceive it has hanging on to what is no longer, to us it`s coming to term with losing the person who meant the most ever in our life. I`m at 14 months and still feel like I am still married. I do not feel the need to find someone else . If my future has it in the cards for me then I believe that I will have grown enough to be ok with it. If it doesn`t oh well , it wasn`t meant to be and I`m also ok with that.

BandiBlue 03/27/2014

All of the responses so far have been spot on, so I don't think I can add much. Sam died last September, and I am still bumping into friends who had not heard about it. When a friend recently asked "How's it going? How's Sam?" ... it really knocked me for a loop. But I explained as calmly and as briefly as I could that he suffered a tragic accident while working on the pool, and then we talked about something else. I could tell she felt terrible, but I assured her it was okay. There really is little else we can do in those situations. Mimi's suggested response is very well-worded; hopefully it will give you the right thing to say when people ask those uncomfortable questions.

matthew90 03/27/2014

I am truly sorry for your loss. It is absolutely normal to feel that you continue to have a relationship with him. He lives more fully than any of us can comprehend. You will always carry the positive experiences of your relationship with you, throughout your lifetime. Love is eternal, it is not altered by time. When you are ready, in your time frame, no one else's, you may feel it is time to be open to another relationship.That will not diminish in any way, what you shared with Matt. I think Mary put it well, about a straightforward response to your coworkers. Those who are incapable of understanding how you feel, are probably not worth your time anyway. Comfort and prayers to you.
Robert

karatxmo 03/27/2014

when people ask me about where my sons father is...I just simply say that he passed. I don't elaborate unless its a sit down personal type of conversation. but if its just in general passing I just keep it short. if I say more I get sad... I don't know if that would work for you. but I don't ever want to say that I am not with john. he will always have a relationship with my heart.

Shrn 03/28/2014

You are very normal in your feelings. I couldn't just say no either. I think your friend was trying to spare you the pain of retelling the fact of your loss and it's very kind of her, but we need to exhaust the sorrow to find ourselves. It's something no one can understand. Sharon

Katexyz123 03/28/2014

Saying you aren't in a relationship will not end how you feel in your heart. But yes, maybe saying you aren't seeing anyone would at least allow you to grieve silently. In time you can tell your true friends you make at work what happened.

I had a doctors appmt & it was the first time I had to check the "Widow" box. It was so strange. Something I just never thought about.

So maybe it will help you to say you aren't currently in a relationship. This does not mean you won't remember your fianc. But wouldn't he want you to go on with your life and to be happy. You are young. He loved you and you will always have your special memories. I know its probably hard to think of this now, but you will definitely have many more happy memories to make.

cliffskat 03/29/2014

If you don't want to discuss it at work, you don't have to, and queries into your private life are inappropriate and considered harrassment on the job. If someone asks you, you can always respond with a question - "Why do you want to know?"

I understand the frustration and the hurt. My daily worklife involved contact with a couple hundred people every day. Everyone knew Cliff, knew we were close, some had even seen him the day before he died. So when news got out that he had died suddenly, everyone wanted to know the details. It was such a shock to everyone. So, I wound up telling my/our story hundreds of times. In a way, as painful as that was, it was helpful. I was able to accept his death, able to determine who in my circle were supportive and who was not, and it helped me come to terms with my loss.

Sooner or later, we all have to face the fact that they are gone and not coming back. I think at your age it is particularly difficult because you are under so much social pressure to be getting married, settling down, etc. My step-daughter is about your age, and I know she feels this frequently. What you feel in your heart and how you deal with these questions are actually two different things. My advice is to keep your answers short and to the point. If they did not know Matt, then just tell them you're not seeing anyone at present. If they did know Matt, just tell them he passed and that you don't want to talk about it. Simple - end of discussion.

It's really no one's business who you're seeing or whatever, especially at work, but women do this everywhere. They generally don't mean any harm in it, but it can be a problem. If it is, either use the methods above or complain to your manager.

The one good thing is that eventually you don't have to tell your story anymore. Everyone has heard it. Unfortunately, that is usually followed by a longing to talk about it and having no one who wants to hear it, When that happens, you can come here. We understand it.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Squeege 03/29/2014

I feel the same way. I'm staying at a hotel for our anniversary like she'sdstill here. Like you I know she's gone and not coming back my heart will always belong to her, how can you meet someone new when you have no heart to give

jewells1 03/29/2014

I made a special FB page talk to John, included in a close list the friends and family that really would be oncerned. I only typed once. The word got around on it's own, but there are still a few stragglers. But it took the major weight off. Some of his friends from work are on it too.

It may or may not work for you.

I do update that page with how I am doing at times. So my family will know I am still breathing, also his friends know he is missed. They comment and share stories of their time and memories with him, those actually help my heart.

deleted_user 03/29/2014

My husband died in Oct. I wear my wedding rings...I refer to myself as Mrs. After 33 years its hard not to. I went to the doctor the other day and was filling out one of there many forms and one of the questions was marital status M,S,D,W......I was taken aback at the widow....because up to that point I had never considered myself a widow......still don't.....still confused.....I left the question blank.........

michaelbmanning 03/29/2014

Personally I don't think you owe people you work with any explanation. Your personal life is yours and others need to mind their own business. This is especially true in the workplace. I have no clue why people think they have the right to blurt out personal questions. Maybe they need to spend more of that time doing their job and leaving you alone.

Maggie

asarivg12 03/30/2014

I have to agree with Maggie here :). The people who ask those questions are either trying to connect with you and being polite ( and they really don't want to know how your weekend went ) or they are nosy people with nothing better to do than worry about other people's lives.

So when somebody would ask me how many kids did I have I would always say four and leave it at that. If they asked what each of them were doing I would tell them about the three and leave it at that. Only people who were paying attention would ask about the fourth - and if they seemed sincere I would tell then. Most of the time it never gets that far.

It would be very easy for you to just say fine, things are ok. No need to stress about it.

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