You did not choose for him to die. You need to let go of the idea that anything you could have done, would have done, should have done, etc., had anything to do with it. Whatever it was that caused his death, it was not you. And you were not given the power of life and death over him. If we had that ability, to choose for them to live, this group would not even exist! What you could choose - to love him - you did do, and I am sure he knew it, and I believe he still does know it.

Are you attending the inquest then? If so, is there a friend or family member who can go with you for support?

Try to put it aside tonight and get some rest if you can. There is nothing you can do about it tonight. You may or may not have answers tomorrow. But there is no way of knowing until then, so try to conserve your strength and get some rest tonight.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

No obviously as we wern't married or anything everything has been going through his parents and when they spoke to me about it they told me theyd been advised not to attend as it is very distressing and you can't ask any questions or anything anyway. The man who is dealing with it is going to report back the findings to them and then they will let me know. I will try to get some sleep but my mind is just in overdrive at the moment. I want the answer so much but at the same time I am really scared.
Thank you for the reply Martha, I think I know deep down i couldnt have done anything but I think I just want to be able to blame someone and its easy to try blame myself for it in some way. I did love him so much and I really hope he realised that
Thanks again
Rachel

rw18, I have been waiting 5 months for a blind review of a CT scan my wife had less than 6 months before she died of liver cancer. The CT scan in question should have shown the cancer but the radiologist was looking for something else and I believe he missed it though shouldn't have. So yes it takes time. But referring to your question about weather you really want to know or not. If you let it go you will forever wonder what happened. I know myself, I have to know. it will never bring her back but it will settle a question in my mind that has to be answered, whatever the answer.
I hope this helps it may give some piece to have the answer.
Best Regards George

[[[HUGS RACHEL]]]
In your case, I think the not knowing would be more difficult than knowing ...
For myself, going through the process of should have, would have, could have lead to acceptance of Bob's death & a clear conscious ...
By no means was it easy, it had to be done to make my grief productive ...
I'm truly sorry ...

Thank you for all your replies.
We did get an answer today. I went to meet his mum and sister for a coffee and they told me exactly what was found out. It was his heart, it basically just stopped, they said he wouldn't have felt any pain he'd have just felt like he was going to sleep. It turns out he was born with an anomaly in his heart so his heart had basically been working harder than it needed to all his life, one of the arteries was basically going into the wrong side of his heart, there was also some scarring to the heart tissue and they think that may have been down to anti-migraine tablets he had to take. I am glad now I finally do have an answer to what caused it and more than anything I'm glad he didnt suffer and wasn't in any pain, he just went peacefully. The thought of him suffering and not being able to shout for help was killing me but now I know that was not the case. It doesn't make it any easier, I still miss him enormously and still don't understand why he was taken from me but at least i can lay to rest what happened and all the horrible thoughts racing through my head about what might have happened are gone.Also I can now tell people and not look stupid if they ask what happened and they can stop judging him thinking just coz he was a young man it was drugs that done it. There is no explanation to why it was my Matt but I know what happened to him now which will hopefully make it easier in time

I am glad you now know that your love did not suffer. I found some comfort in knowing that my husband's heart attack took him instantly and he did not suffer either. It does not stop the pain from the loss but it does stop the wondering. Hugs to you.

It is comforting to know it was quick, and no suffering. Now maybe you can stop suffering. Sandee

When I got the final cause of death report on my husband, it confirmed that he was probably unconscious when he fell into the pool. Knowing that he simply hit his head (a deep 1" laceration) and broke some ribs on the way in, told me that it was quick, and probably about as painless as it could be. There was a sense of relief with that, and I am glad that you are able to have reaction. We do not want to think of our loved ones as having to suffer.

I am sorry you have to go through this so young. To lose someone so suddenly and unexpectedly. I think it is horrible at any age...

rw
I'm glad you got the answer you were looking for. As I said it's better to know than to forever wonder.
My Condolences and Sympathy,
Best Regards George