Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I read an article last year that was talking about how in times of tradgety or loss of loved ones that people general have a the words " if there is anything you need call me or let me know". I remember reading that last year after my mother n law passed away and asked my husband why do people say that when really they don't mean it or they just say it to say it.
This article talked about insteady of saying those words ,put those words to action. If you have the balls to say those words then do something nice for someone without them asking. If you know that someone isn't use to mowing the lawn and their spouse that does that passed away , lend them a hand by helping them out with the mowing of the lawn. Of it the wife was the one that always did the laundry and she passes , be a friend and offer to help.
Me and him talked about that for a while off and on in 2014,. Then exactly a year and half later Now the time came when he passed . I heard/read those exact words , sounded like nails on a chalkboard. I seen it so many times and heard it so many times that I wanted to scream. There I was living in this dreaded nightmare of them words that I felt was a curse.
I use to be guilty in the past but when I read that article last year ,I decided I need to not say that anymore either.
Its been 4 months today (17 weeks 4 days) since those words were said too me and I have called people up and I have asked people from their help. I have posted on facebook and no one bats an eyelast. They don't even reply to a message or text that I send to initiate a conversation with them. How am I suppose to inform them I need help. I had to hire a complete stranger to come help me do yard work because no one has come to help. No one has called to check on me. No one has come by the house to visit.
I have learned through this whole ordeal either you have a great support system or you are by youself.
Trying to tell people that haven't been thru this is like talking to a brick wall. I am learning that there are valleys and mountains on the grieving roller coaster.
There are days I am on top of the mountain and don't need help or don't need anyone to talk to because I am fine at the moment but like mood swings you never know whats gonna trigger a sad/bad/not so good day and you want or need the help,, things are falling apart and people aren't there, they want to do it on their terms.
Obvoisuly I have only 2-3 people I can honestly count on and when those people are busy I try to do things myself and then get frustrated because then I get told why didn't you ask someone else for help.
I'm like hello. I tried and no one came.
Its like people gripe at you for trying to do it all by yourself and being to prideful but then when you asked for help in the first place. OMG its awful.
As some else said on another topic ,doing all the red tape stuff keeps you busy with dealing with the have to stuff and then eventually the fog lifts and you are then left with the remain mess.
That whats been happening this month. This guy that has been helping clean the place up ,didn't know us before. My husband had a lot of stuff scattered on the sides of the house ,under the onnet,yard ,the backyard was a mess. It was too hot back in august to do too much outdoor stuff and when it rains its hard too do stuff. But the stuff had to be cleaned up. Tools and whatnot.
I went back with natural gas this year because the wood burning stove we put in last year ,is gonna be too much of a headache for me. It takes time to cut wood and I don't physically see myself going out to chop down trees and cut them up and and load them and unload them. Then the whole process of starting up the wood stove and maintaining it when no one would be here in the evenins to maintain it My daughter works in evenings like I do.
Apparently earlier in the year we had a leak somewhere around the woodstove pipe so I assumed that hubby had fixed it. Well needless to say that the other night came in and rained and water was all over the floor. So here it is today that I am undoing the stove and trying to undo the pipe but yet again now have hit another road block. The pipe is stuck.
The person that could fix it ain't here. I AM ANGERED AT HIM RIGHT NOW. GRRRRRR.
I REALLY feel alone during all this. The real people I expected to help me thru this has let me down. So what do I do???????/
This article talked about insteady of saying those words ,put those words to action. If you have the balls to say those words then do something nice for someone without them asking. If you know that someone isn't use to mowing the lawn and their spouse that does that passed away , lend them a hand by helping them out with the mowing of the lawn. Of it the wife was the one that always did the laundry and she passes , be a friend and offer to help.
Me and him talked about that for a while off and on in 2014,. Then exactly a year and half later Now the time came when he passed . I heard/read those exact words , sounded like nails on a chalkboard. I seen it so many times and heard it so many times that I wanted to scream. There I was living in this dreaded nightmare of them words that I felt was a curse.
I use to be guilty in the past but when I read that article last year ,I decided I need to not say that anymore either.
Its been 4 months today (17 weeks 4 days) since those words were said too me and I have called people up and I have asked people from their help. I have posted on facebook and no one bats an eyelast. They don't even reply to a message or text that I send to initiate a conversation with them. How am I suppose to inform them I need help. I had to hire a complete stranger to come help me do yard work because no one has come to help. No one has called to check on me. No one has come by the house to visit.
I have learned through this whole ordeal either you have a great support system or you are by youself.
Trying to tell people that haven't been thru this is like talking to a brick wall. I am learning that there are valleys and mountains on the grieving roller coaster.
There are days I am on top of the mountain and don't need help or don't need anyone to talk to because I am fine at the moment but like mood swings you never know whats gonna trigger a sad/bad/not so good day and you want or need the help,, things are falling apart and people aren't there, they want to do it on their terms.
Obvoisuly I have only 2-3 people I can honestly count on and when those people are busy I try to do things myself and then get frustrated because then I get told why didn't you ask someone else for help.
I'm like hello. I tried and no one came.
Its like people gripe at you for trying to do it all by yourself and being to prideful but then when you asked for help in the first place. OMG its awful.
As some else said on another topic ,doing all the red tape stuff keeps you busy with dealing with the have to stuff and then eventually the fog lifts and you are then left with the remain mess.
That whats been happening this month. This guy that has been helping clean the place up ,didn't know us before. My husband had a lot of stuff scattered on the sides of the house ,under the onnet,yard ,the backyard was a mess. It was too hot back in august to do too much outdoor stuff and when it rains its hard too do stuff. But the stuff had to be cleaned up. Tools and whatnot.
I went back with natural gas this year because the wood burning stove we put in last year ,is gonna be too much of a headache for me. It takes time to cut wood and I don't physically see myself going out to chop down trees and cut them up and and load them and unload them. Then the whole process of starting up the wood stove and maintaining it when no one would be here in the evenins to maintain it My daughter works in evenings like I do.
Apparently earlier in the year we had a leak somewhere around the woodstove pipe so I assumed that hubby had fixed it. Well needless to say that the other night came in and rained and water was all over the floor. So here it is today that I am undoing the stove and trying to undo the pipe but yet again now have hit another road block. The pipe is stuck.
The person that could fix it ain't here. I AM ANGERED AT HIM RIGHT NOW. GRRRRRR.
I REALLY feel alone during all this. The real people I expected to help me thru this has let me down. So what do I do???????/
My advice would be to either call the company that installed it, or ask the few people you do trust for a recommendation for a repair person.
Is the stove solely a wood burner? I ask because some are both wood and gas burners (dual fuel they call them sometimes). If it's also a gas burner, then you can call your gas company as it becomes a gas safety issue - that is, if the water gets to a pilot light and puts that out, then you have a gas leak, and in most places the gas company has to help you with that or at least direct you to who can help you.
I ran into a lot of the same problems that you have. I learned who my real friends were -- and weren't. Basically, no one would show up unless they got paid or unless they thought they were going to get some of my husband's tools. Cliff had very good tools - and some guys swarm like vultures over things like that. I stupidly gave away some of his tools, and then later had to pay to replace them because I needed them to do the repairs that other people didn't show up to do. Or people would show up late, keeping me hanging waiting for them. One time, a friend of the family who I finally was paying to help me, came out to change the front door lock. He showed up 2 hours late, put it in, and then was going to leave without checking the thing was in properly. I had to run out to stop him leaving because I discovered the door would not even shut, much less lock, because he'd done it wrong! (He'd put it in backwards or something.) After that, I figured I was better off with paid professionals for anything I couldn't do.
When Cliff and I bought our house, it came with a home warranty policy. I had only had to use it a couple times before he died, but after he died, it came in REAL handy. I could call the warranty company, and they would send whatever type of repair person I needed out to do whatever was needed and I didn't have to hunt for somebody - they had already checked them out. I had to pay a call-out fee, but that was all - the monthly premium I paid covered all the parts and labor. I had the plumbing worked on twice, a fridge thermostat controller replaced, the water heater repaired, a dryer repaired, a well pump replaced, a pool pump replaced, a toilet reseated, plumbing unclogged, an oven heating element replaced, etc. It is not the cheapest solution, but for me it was worth it. I was sick of having to miss work to wait for people who didn't show up or who showed up and did a half-assed job of it anyway. I think when I finally sold the house last year that I was paying about $60/month for the warranty and about $65 per call-out fee. Not cheap, but I knew I could rely on it and the work would get done, done quickly, and done properly. Usually the repairs were done within 24-48 hours of calling the warranty company.
Grief does rewrite your address book. It rewrote mine - big time! I will say that there were a few unexpected heroes along the way who stepped up that I didn't expect. Hang in there, you can get through this.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
I'm learning its a lifes lesson. Its a dammned if you do /dammned if you don't type lesson to go thru. You don't want to make the people mad at you for venting/griping/or complaining about things but I feel at the same time you don't want to hold it in inside either.
I have two brothers, two sisters, in-laws galour, a son and two daughters and still I had to pay "Got-Junk" money to remove some of the "stuff" that Morey had accumulated around....everywhere. I had to pay someone to clean Morey's closet and did most of the cleaning myself.
We had a rental property that was such a mess that it cost me thousands of dollars to get it ready for sale and then the relatives were calling and moving in for the proceeds!
People are a joke in what they say and what they truly mean. I've learned to keep on working to pay for what I need and don't rely on anyone! Also, if anyone ever comes to me, in the future, for money I swear I'll shove them off a cliff!
Stay strong,
Roz
Hugs, Sandi
Roz
Hugs,
Val
If they are truly busy they won't have time for facebook either. My definition of being busy is not being on facebook. Facebook and youtubing is not proactive. Its just things to do when we are bored etc. A lot of people will say they are busy, I said you call that being busy. hahaha.
If I have to pay a real live person to talk to then I will. Infact I made an appointment for tomorrow to go talk to someone.
Maybe I need to go find me a good bar (not drink-since I hate alcohol) and talk with the bartender lol.
One day, I'm going to walk into a bar, sit myself down and see how the other half lives!
Hang on dear heart, living this life is not for sissy's that's for sure. And, losing the one who had our backs makes it all the more difficult.
I swear, I'm not going down without a fight........
Take care, I'm with you,
Roz
Rachel