Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Nicker07 04/09/2011

Sometimes other people try to get you out of your grief with constructive criticism "time to get on with your life" "get over it" These comments can be hurtful. (oh yeah)

Remember you have an insight into the grieving process these other people do not have. You know the process is different for every individual person. You know you have to let the grieving process take place because if you rush it it will only prolong the healing.

People will say "Its been six months, don't you think you should be over it by now," BUT for each person its different and these comments can very hurtful that person may not be ready. You can not rely on people to say the right words or give the right comfort. Only God can.

Father, God I know my family and friends mean well but they do not understand that I am not there yet. Help me to know when I am. Holy Spirit, you are my comforter, In you alone I will find refuge. Amen

I am trying to believe I will find true comfort and not feel the burden and insecurities that I now feel.

Caroline04 04/09/2011

I truly believe you will. It just doesn't come as fast as we want it to. We all need to be patient, it will come.

kelleysgirl 04/09/2011

When I first joined this group, I read somewhere on this site that "time needs time"...that about said it all for me...who is not the most patient person in the world sometimes!! But I want to come out on the other side of this a healthy, whole person. Hubby wanted that for me I know.

deleted_user 04/09/2011

In this process, you cannot win no matter what your feelings are. If you move on too fast, some will say you did not care enough. Too slowly, you are just wallowing to get sympathy. It will take as long as it takes and really it is none of their business.

laurabp 04/10/2011

Someone here put out a statistic awhile ago, stating that the AVERAGE time to recover from the loss of our spouse is two to four years. It does take time, and most of us find it takes a lot longer than we thought it would. I found the 2nd year just as difficult as the first, in different ways. I am now 2 years and 4 months out, and although the worst is behind me, I still have my occasional down days. We each have to go at our own pace - it does get better. I do not think we owe other people an explanation regarding our status. laurabp

missmyhero 04/11/2011

I agree with Drangonstar55. There is no one size fits all for grieving. I have written a post..How to Grieve...but it is not saying you must do this or you must do that. It is saying a lot of people have done this, or this has worked for me, or a lot of people have done that or that has worked for me, but the grief process is so individual.

What I believe is that whatever you feel is right for you to feel at any given moment no matter what. We all need to understand that by sharing our own journey we are encouraging each other to share their own journey. We all go through so many of the same things...different time lines. It is all such an individual process.

I think what one person says to encourage another sometimes feels to another like they are being pushed to hurry up and grieve. There is no healthy way to hurry up and grieve. We need to be kind to ourselves. What we have all lost is so so much a part of us that we are often certain that we have also lost ourselves.

No matter where you are in this journey I think the most important thing is to allow yourself to feel what you feel and know that it is right and okay for you. We need to first be kind to ourselves no matter what. If it is a feeling and you feel it, it is right and normal for you.

The world can be harsh enough without us being unkind to ourselves.

Sending everyone lots of hugs...
-Diana

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