I got up this morning, and I felt so alone. We had no children, that I don't regret, but I am just alone. It is a bad feeling and I curled up on the bed just thinking I can't do this anymore. Well, I managed to get up, eat, get dressed, go to work, and something is telling me to take the offer from my neighbor to meet with her and a group of ladies tonight to mark items for a yard sale.

I just feel so empty and want my husband back so much. Keep telling myself it will be OK and I need to give myself a year. I don't want to give up my home or our possessions, but nothing has any meaning to it. I'm just functioning and scared.

There have been times in the last 22 months when nothing had any meaning. Then there have been times when the least little thing - some otherwise insignificant doo-dad that was Cliff's or that we picked up for a lark somewhere together - would send me into a complete breakdown. Sometimes I can look at photos, sometimes I can't. Sometimes I can listen to his favorite music, sometimes I can't. All of these things - these back-and-forth emotions and reactions will come and go for awhile, as you try to find your balance again. We've been through a terrible trauma, our lives completely changed, our routines gone, our plans ended before we attained our goals. This is trauma. Doesn't matter if you knew it was coming for a long time or if it happened in moments. It's still traumatic, and will take some time to heal.

It's hard to remember sometimes that it is worthwhile to take care of ourselves, be patient with ourselves, be kind to ourselves. But we must. We may not know why we should at the time, but eventually we will be grateful that we perservered. It IS a frightening process - I like routine, I like stability, I like security. Becoming a widow meant all of that was out the window. So I hear ya, honestly I do.

At some point, it becomes a conscious decision - I WILL LIVE - I WILL CARRY ON - I WILL MAKE THE BEST OF IT - I WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN. You WILL get to that point. It won't seem remotely possible at times, but you will. Be patient with yourself. The fog will lift.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

What is happening to you is very normal. Even after just over losing Carly a little over 18 months ago, the pain comes and goes.

I think we all have a tendency to think our loved one will always be there and take life totally for granted.

I think we all then ask ourselves why did what happened have to happen? If you've experienced true love you just wished you could have your life back.

Being with someone you love and are 100% comfortable with is a blessing for those who experiece it....I had that experience and have doubts as to whether I'll have more than friendship moving forward.

I guess at the end of the day, we need to have faith that we'll be reunited with our loved ones .

Some people are fortunate in that they have spiritual connections. Sometimes I think I do have experiences that could be spiritual but I need more evidence to truly believe that this is actually happening.

I have a poodle that Carly got me and Toby has been a wonderful companion without whom things would have been that much more difficult.

I wonder if anti depressants are the answer .....sometimes keeping occupied is a solution and companionship really helps. In addition exercising /swimming /walking etc is a great help. Set yourself some kind of an Agenda which you can monitor your own progress by documenting what you achieve.

To me one day is never the same as another as sometimes you feel reasonably OK only to feel a little down the next day.

Good Luck to you and all those who are experiencing the mood swings that are caused by the loss of someone close.....at whatever stage you nay be at, as the person you loved will always be a part of you.

For me the recent 18 month anniversary was really difficult as it occured on the same day as I lost Carly.

Just hope we can all find the spiritual connection we need to maintain the contact with our loved ones.

I don't post that often these days.DS has been a great help to me and its really helps knowing that we can help one another thru the most difficult period in our lives. Bryan

The fog is lifting in very small doses. I had a dream last night, the 3rd since Dick passed. Moments back at our old home, our dog, my nephew. Other connections, but I don't recall Dick's vivid presence. Being able to talk about him, his passing, what I'm feeling, etc. is helping. Bereavement support group is tonight. Looking forward to going. Everything is overwhelming, as I have not been on my own in 31 years. Feel like a child, everything brings anxiety and fear. Even knowing I have to do all the driving now. But I pray for God to guide me, and give me the strength. He's listening, I know he is. And Dick is with me too.

It has been 5 months for me since my husband passed and I feel the same way. At around 3 month I started felling like the Past 21 years were a dream and now I am awake, it really sucks. It will get a little better.

Everyone says it will get better. I have hope that I will heal, and get use to being on my own. That is the worse. Not having your husband, not being a couple. Finding your way in the world again. I went to the cemetery Saturday and just felt there. Like he was just a person and there was no connection. I can't give up, and there is no other way than to move forward.