My husband passed May 7th. I too cried a lot in the begining. This week I am feeling the same way you feel. Its almost like it never happend and you always felt this way. Its just weird. I am sorry but I can't explain what is going on either. I was also worried that it was my antidepressant pills that are masking it and making me feel this way. I still wonder about that. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I am feeling the same thing. Hopefully this is just another stage that we have to go through. Lets keep in touch! Hugs!

Julie

I was concerned about the pills too. Spoke to the physician about it, and he was in agreement with the counselor that I need not be on anything that was going to mask the grief feelings.

Talked to the counselor about it. She said to stop worrying about being on the pills, just to take them for before I was, I was having great difficulty functioning anymore. The primary said he knew me a long time, and I was smart enough to acknowledge grief and process it.

I just started taking these over a week ago.

I am going to discuss this with bereavement support group on Monday.

Both you and Julie are right where I was at 4 months. That was the point I started calling it "The Widow's Flu" - I felt sick on every level. That's about the time that the initial shock has worn off and you start trying to figure out 'okay, now what?' I know the feeling of not feeling like you belong anywhere - we defined our place in the world first and foremost as being by our spouses' sides. It's going to take some time to work through this, but you will. Don't despair, don't give up. This will pass as well.

Keep taking care of yourself, and don't expect to have all the answers at this point - you simply won't. I remember telling my sister that I don't have a plan and I felt that I should, and she told me that it was okay NOT to have a plan right then, I had other stuff to deal with. You kind of have to do what's in front of you for awhile. One baby step in front of another, one day at a time.

If you want to be able to cry - I understand how relieving it can be sometimes to have a good cleansing cry - you might find it helpful to listen to music or look at photos. You can check with your doctor about your meds, but I doubt that they are what's going on. I think what you are going through is typical. It sucks, frankly, as does everything about our loss, but it is natural/typical (hate the word 'normal').

Hope this helps. Love and Hugs, Martha

Hi,
What you are going through is all a part of the grieving process.
Unfortunately, the tears will return, sometimes when you least expect them to.
Someone I know who lost her own husband put it the best, "we are in a waking coma", not alive, but not dead. Hence the reason for feeling like we are in a dream.
You will go through a huge variety of emotions and how long they will last, no one knows! My love and prayers to you...Mo

Dear Mo and Martha--

Did either of you feel like you would not be able to continue living on your own? I don't like that feeling, for I don't want to give up my house and there is no place I want to go. Just thinking about giving away everything we owned gives me a bad feeling and I don't want to do it. I would have nothing then, just a dependent in someone else's home, where I don't belong.

Hi,
Well, in my situation I may have no choice about living with someone or having them live here. I am not doing good financially and I do not own a house.
I would much rather be independent and wish I could be, but I have no job or any income.
My son who is unmarried may eventually move in here because he is an 'over the road' truck driver and is only home on weekends. He wants me to move in with him, but like you, I have too many things I just cannot part with.
The whole thing is nothing but a "mess", so I just try taking it day by day. What else is there to do?
My love to you always...Mo

I discussed this in bereavement group. They were adamant about not making any decisions for a year. Our home is paid off, I can make the bills on my salary, and it is in a secure community, with good neighbors. One of the guys in support said it wouldn't matter where I lived, I would feel the same way. A woman said if I gave everything up, I would be displacing and disorienting myself more, and it would compound the loss. Funny how you fall back on little things said to you in a group by other widows who have been there.

I have two adult sons who live with me who have various degrees of disabilities - my older son has Asperger's Syndrome and Essential Tremor, but he is able to look after his brother who is Autistic. So I am not alone as far as having company. I was extremely worried about being alone financially, being able to run the household without my husband's help, and take care of my sons with no help. Cliff and I had been discussing relocating before he died, in fact it was part of the last conversation I had with him - our plans for the future, including selling the house and going elsewhere once our younger son graduated high school - the night before he died. So in a way I will be glad to get rid of the house, and I know I have his blessings.

I agree with the comments you got in your group. Have you considered getting a pet? I know that may sound silly, but a number of widows here have found that helpful. It forces you to get out of bed in the morning for one thing, and having someone who gives you unconditional love and affection, that you can spoil and hug can really help. Oddly enough, our cat grieved Cliff's passing, too. But having a big purring furball to hug and pet was often very soothing - still is as a matter of fact. I have a Maine Coon cat - they are the largest domestic breed - he's 15 pounds! - and they are the most affectionate and loyal breed of cat - almost doglike in that respect. Just a thought.

A pet has been recommended. I work full time, so a dog is out of the question. I'm not ready for a cat, as I don't have the ambition to deal with the litter box and hair. Something to consider. A decision that will come in time, I'm sure.

Hi, I can relate to what you and Mo have said about living on your own, moving, etc. Just this week I was told that a smaller one bedroom apartment is going to be available soon in my complex. I ran right over to look at it because financially I need to save money; I am still looking for work after a year of being unemployed. But when I saw how small it was, and how differnt from the apartment where I have been living for many years, I got all weepy and said I don't really think I want to make the move. I couldn't figure out how to bring Stan and the memories with me into the new place; I would have to get rid of 2/3 of my/our possessions, and I just felt so alone. The place does have potential if I take the trouble to look for it, but I just get these creepy "vibes" when I think of moving there. It screams ALONE! to me, you know? At 9 months out from the loss of my husband, I thought I was doing great, but I guess not. It is good to know we are not alone with all these feelings. We just have to keep believing things will get better! laurabp

I can relate to the creepy feeling. This is where I belong, whether or not I feel I can do it. It's everything we owned. You feel like you at least still have something. Without it, and living with someone else at their place, I'd having nothing and would not feel any different than I do now. The feelings of being alone, with no direction or no purpose in life would still be there. It's not the house, it's us. We are totally displaced since our husbands passed, and it is functioning every day with a hope. All I know is that I just can't give up my home. It is probably going to have to kill me first.

Debbie - I vividly remember feeling as you do. After the initial shock started to wear off, I literally had no memories of our marriage. I could remember the 4 months of cancer - like, every waking moment, but could not remember anything else. It sent me into more of a panic than I was already in. But..it changed. It took a while, but out of nowhere I would feel strong enough to look at pictures. Memories started resurfacing. One day, so many flooded back I sat at the computer and wrote down everything I could remember. You will get to this point, I'm sure. Your support group gave solid advice. If I didn't have the business, I definitely would have considered fleeing somewhere, but I'm glad I didn't. Joe wasn't hospital bound, so my home was filled with memories, mostly good, but some very bad. As discussed in one of your journal entries, small changes here and there change the scenery, and in turn change the outlook. Your feelings are within YOU, not the house per se, if you know what I mean. All we can do is take it day by day, with prayer and hope. Hugs, Marsha

I looked at pictures from our 2003 Hawaii trip. No feelings, no emotion. Pictures just there. I know the feelings are within ME, and not everything else.

I can relate to everything that you are saying. I know it sounds trite, but the only thing that helped me was learning to really just take 1 day at a time.

It was FOR MY OWN SAKE, that I had to learn how to do this. I am a little older than you, but I still needed to learn how to do this and why it was better to do this. Yesterday is gone. I can't change a thing I did yesterday, last week or last month. Those days are gone! Tomorrow? Who promised me tomorrow? Why am I worried about things in the future. A lot can and WILL change about the future, so why should I worry about it?

TODAY... is my concern. I am here today. I feel okay today. Today is my only focus for now. I am surviving this way -- just one day at a time.

Does that help at all?

Hugs, Barbara

I felt that way too at one point. Floating between 2 worlds. I didn't put any pressure on myself. I did what I had to do each day and I didn't push myself to do more. Some days its even hard to do what you have to do. Just no interest. You are not alone.