Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
It has been three years since my husband died. I went through all the stages of grief and still am not fully recovered, but I was having days when I could feel a little of my old self coming out again. However, now it will be yesterday here, I got a call late afternoon. It was my daughter's husband. He said he was sorry to tell me this, very sorry, but my daughter, my best friend in the whole world killed herself. She left no note.
She had been battling bouts of deep depression for many years. She was struggling again recently. I stayed in touch. Wednesday I asked how she was feeling. She said she still felt rotten. I kept in touch through text because she preferred that when she was down. I should not have listened and called instead, though I know nothing I could say would lift her out of that dark mood when she was in it. When she was up she was a totally different person. Bright, clever, creative, we would talk and laugh for hours. She refused to take medication. I tried to convince her to try it again. She wouldn't listen, stubborn.
How am I going to make it through this? I can't imagine my life without her. She was my first baby. She was not just my daughter, she was my friend. She was a good sweet person, too sensitive though. She felt everything. Where do I go from here?
She had been battling bouts of deep depression for many years. She was struggling again recently. I stayed in touch. Wednesday I asked how she was feeling. She said she still felt rotten. I kept in touch through text because she preferred that when she was down. I should not have listened and called instead, though I know nothing I could say would lift her out of that dark mood when she was in it. When she was up she was a totally different person. Bright, clever, creative, we would talk and laugh for hours. She refused to take medication. I tried to convince her to try it again. She wouldn't listen, stubborn.
How am I going to make it through this? I can't imagine my life without her. She was my first baby. She was not just my daughter, she was my friend. She was a good sweet person, too sensitive though. She felt everything. Where do I go from here?
I wish you strength.
Sending cyber hugs...
MysticDay
I'm terribly terribly sorry. I wish I could give you a hug and cry with you. I don't have a child, so I can't even imagine how devastating it would be. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and hope that you find moments of peace and solace as you are going through hell. Please use this forum to vent as much as you like - sure there will be many understanding and helpful people here. I also want to assure you that your husband and your daughter's spirits will be watching over you and protect you.
1. People processing multiple losses generally need more time to sort out their feelings and deal with the losses. Intensity of grief may be stronger and one may need someone to help them see the forest for the trees.
2. If you are suffering multiple losses, be patient with yourself. You cannot expect a speedy resolution of all of the changes that need to be addressed. There will be some trial and error moments. Do not rush yourself. Take one step at a time. Easier said than done, of course, when in pain.
3. Since the energy drains from multiple loss are extremely high, self-care is an absolute priority. Schedule a rest period daily, preferably in nature, where birds, trees, water, and other wildlife can remind you of the importance of connections and the peace that will replenish your mind and body. And above all, walk, walk, walk.
4. Abolish the faulty notion that you are somehow being punished: Dont fall into thought traps like Im getting what I deserve or This is what happens when you dont do the right thing. Such negative thinking only increases unnecessary suffering and distracts from facing the new life that multiple losses dictate. Remember: that type of thinking takes a major toll on your physical self as well as your emotional well-being.
5. You are normal even though it all feels so abnormal. There is nothing wrong with your feeling of being overwhelmed. Anyone would be. Keep coaching yourself to persistit will make a big difference. Continually tell yourself you will get through this dark night of the soul. It is hell, and ever so painful, but you are a survivor, who will use the support and insight of others to adjust and start over.
6. Feelings and thoughts change and new ones will pop into your mind and body over the long haul. Look for ongoing support structures. They could be exceptional friends, a support group, a clergy person, or a professional counselor. The information you need, to deal with your particular circumstances, is out there. Half the battle is finding the people who can provide an idea or two that you have yet to hear.
7. It is very important that you be around people who can be around pain. Allowing grief to run its course in the circumstances of multiple losses, is a gigantic commitment for caregivers. People dealing with multiple losses are likely to need trusted grief companions (Anam cara is a Gaelic term for these special people soul companions). Anam cara are people who can listen to pain being experienced and expressed while maintaining their lives in balance and health.
Instead what often happens is well meaning friends listen at first, but soon find these conversations distressing and somehow too painful. They often ultimately reduce their contact over time as empathy wanes wanting the good times to roll again it is certainly not uncommon for overwhelmed friends to offer up unwelcome advice about what you SHOULD do. I have found that this advice is usually not helpful. Dont give up!
8. Keep your self-talk positive (we often are our own worst enemy), allow for a relapse or two, but know that you can outlast these massive changes, and get through your demanding ordeal.
There is a group here at DS, they also have a Facebook page, called "For Moms Only," and I would urge you to check them out and consider joining them. Here is a linkl to their group here at DS - they can supply you with the Facebook link:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/formomsonly
They are a very active and supportive group, and I think it would help.
There is also a Daily Strength support board here for Families and Friends Affected by Suicide. It is not as active as the "For Moms Only" group, but it might help as well. Here is a link - perhaps some of the posts would help even if the board is not that active at present:
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Families-and-Friends-Affected-By-Suicide/support-group
I am sorry this has happened, and hope this is helpful in some way for you.
Love and Big Hugs,
Martha
It is the worst pain to have to endure, but we do survive it somehow. I was going to suggest Compassionate Friends and see you have been in touch with them. And TCF really helped me a lot, other parents that survived the death of their children as well. Sadly my beloved daughter was my second adult child that died. My eldest son got killed in a car accident at age 23.
No matter what you do or where you are, your beautiful daughter is always with you, because she is a part of you and you are a part of her, and the mother/child bond can never be broken. I pray you will have all the love, strength & support you need to get you through the bad days, and as others have mentioned, DS will be here for you whenever you need.
The memories of her when she small and innocent will sustain you in the months ahead.
Take care of you and know that you are NOT alone!
Roz