Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Doing too well?

jrp32079
jrp32079
While I still visit this site it has been some time since Ive posted anything. Im at a year and a half since my wife died. And Im starting to feel like Im doing TOO well. Life has moved forward, as it is supposed to do. My now 4.5 year old daughter and I are doing great. Were keeping busy and living life like I know Dina would have wanted us to. Ive started back at graduate school, which I stopped almost two years ago when Dina went into the hospital. Ive refinance the house so that we are able to stay put in the house we bought together and started our family in. And I have been seeing someone for about 6 months now. Shes fantastic and Im very much enjoying that. I know that this is also something Dina wanted me to do. All of this, however, makes me feel as though Im forgetting about Dina. Or not thinking about her enough. Or not mourning the loss of the life we had enough. At times it makes me feel like Im erasing that part of my life. I know thats not that case but its hard not to think that way sometimes. Its a fact that my life after Dina will be longer than the life I had with Dina, so part of me thinks that might feed into it. Its strange to think about that but I know its the truth.

Anyways, just wondering if anyone else has had similar feelings. Is it normal to go through a phase like this?

Thanks
doyew
doyew
You will NEVER forget her! She is the mother of your child. I'm sure taking care of your daughter fills that void of loneliness that many have. You will always miss Dina being with you, but what you posted sounds really healthy to me. Don't feel guilty about anything. I had one friend whose husband had died 25 yrs. previously, and she had not progressed at all. Her own life was over as far as she was concerned, and she ruined her 3 children's lives with her misery. That is an extreme case, but be thankful that you can go to school, enjoy a relationship, and take care of your little girl. These are blessings.
Wishing you the best,
Doye
handg
handg
The reason you may feel that you do not think of Dina enough is probably because she is safely in that part of your heart that only her memory can fill. You will never forget her as she is present in your daughter and as time goes you probably will notice even more the connection with the things your daughter and Dina share may it be looks, likes, dislikes etc.. Because of having a young child, you did not get to just put your life on hold and wallow in your grief. There will always be a time in the future when memories may be painful but you will never forget. What you are doing is honoring the life that you had with Dina by moving on with your life in a healthy manner. Kudos ! Congratulation on returning to school. Good Luck !
tothemoonalice
tothemoonalice
I'm happy for you -- congratulations on moving forward in such a positive way! You are not erasing anything, just living the life you have been dealt. Best wishes, Alice
mannie123
mannie123
I am glad you are doing well and I am sure that your wife would be thrilled that her little girl is happy too. You honor her memory by raising her child in a happy home.
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn
Your doubts are normal and not uncommon for us trying to build a life again. You are doing what is right for you and your children. Your wife is proud and I believe she is with you every step of the way. She's probably looking down and saying, that's my husband. Look how wonderful he is. Sharon
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
It's nice to hear from you, and I am glad that you are doing so well. You asked if this was normal and whether anyone else went through this. The answers are Yes and Yes. Guilt comes with grieving, and it comes in many different forms and shows up at different times. Cliff died at 55, and I can tell you that I felt guilty on my 56th birthday simply for living longer than he did. It's a silly notion, but it happens.

I understand why you are having these feelings. They are normal. It's part of the adjustment we have to make to go forward, particularly if we are going forward with another partner. I asked myself a lot of the same questions when I fell in love with my new husband. As he is a widower, he did, too. You are doing fine, and what you are doing is good for you, good for your daughter, and it does not mean you didn't grieve long enough or hard enough or whatever.

So please, let go of the guilt - it is a natural response, but it is unnecessary and serves no purpose.

I hope this helps.

Love and Hugs,
Martha
sandeestttn
sandeestttn
Good for you.... I think I am doing too well also. Not seeing anyone, but am living my life alone, and enjoying it. I know my limitations, don't go past them. I am happy....A little lonely, but happy.. Its been 20 months for me...
kymberlycourt
kymberlycourt
You are doing everything right. Our greatest legacy to our departed loved one is to go on and live and good and complete life. I know that is what I plan to do. Congradulations.

Kym
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