Hello, Royalbubble . . .

First of all, please accept my sympathy on the passing of your husband.

You are NOT crazy, and you are definitely not pushing away your husband's memory. You had to make some very serious decisions under stress, and you did the very best that you could do. Please do not feel guilty about anything.

Come here to this site whenever you have questions or when you simply want to vent. Everyone here has experienced feelings similar to those you're feeling now. You'll find compassion, understanding, and sound advice here.

Wishing you peace . . .

RoyalBubble...

Sending you a big big hug..I too am new here and can relate 100% to the feeling guilty of the medical decisions...My husband went through a 4 year fight with bladder cancer and I made all the decisions ,,he would tell me not to tell him details...and making the hospice decision was the worst...the push it aside is hitting me too though it will be 2 years December for me..I have no advice and all I can offer u is No you are not alone Im with u on all this...Ive been crying over your post for 5 minutes..ugh I can be crazy too..just giving another hug

Welcome to our group! One thing that is very important to get rid of as soon as possible when going through mourning for a loved one is guilt! I am sure that you made the very best decisions you could for your husband and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Your situation I am sure is complicated by the fact that many of your memories of your husband are painful because of his cancer. There can be a fine line sometimes between putting a painful experience behind you and moving on and shoving it away to not deal with the pain.

My husband had cancer the first time when he was 24. I discovered that when he got cancer again at 58, I had a very negative attitude toward chemo etc. because of the first episode of cancer. I think it would be helpful for caregivers and spouses to go through debriefing after dealing with something as stressful as that to heal from the many wounds that we experience during that time. I guess what I am saying is that if you have access to it, there may be benefit for you to go through some counseling in order to work through the many painful memories of his cancer so that you can then remember him without pain.

"if I just want to push it aside and try to move on. And is it wrong to be that way? "

One thing I can assure you is it's impossible to "push it aside". In order to "move" we must work through the layers of emotions that comes with grieving. You can try to avoid them, but they will reappear and your life will not continue as you wish.

I'm not saying that you are suppose to give up on yourself, but you have gone through a tragedy that changes us. The total lack of control hits us in the face. So many unanswered questions like why must be dealt with. Talk to a professional if you think it would help. And visit with us here if you find comfort.

So very sorry for your loss. Sharon

Within a year of my husband's passing, I lived in a different apartment and had all new everything. Even the bird cage was new. I thought hard about it before I changed everything. I considered my motives, but came to the realization that it was the right thing for me.

I didn't want to spend my life holding on to material things when we had based our life and love on things not of this earth. We both were born-again, believing in storing your treasures in Heaven, not earth.

In short, nothing on this planet can be taken with you. This goes for if you're atheist, theist, don't know, don't care---every category you can think of must leave their earthly possessions here.

I can't speak for everyone. There are those who take comfort in things and should not put themselves through the added distress of throwing something away that is treasured. Instead, each person must stay in their own comfort zone and not feel guilty about the choices they make. They are your choices and there is nothing crazy about them.

As for medical decisions, I had to do that for both my mother and husband. Understand that the decisions you made were based on love and wanting what was best for your husband. Your hands were tied in that regard because of the limited ability of our medical technology.

Take care.

I am so, so sorry for you loss.
You must feel so overwhelmed with questions.
Wherever you are now, look for a Grief Share group in your area. I think it will help you.
I feel, Sharon is right you can't leave your grief hanging, it will just show up again. Take time for yourself and move gently through it.
Hugs to you,
Sandra

Thank you everyone, I don't feel so bad knowing I'm not the only one out there that kinda feels the same way. People tell you how you should act and how grief works and I am not fitting in those boxes so I was starting to wonder if it was just me. Thank you for your support and kind words. Hugs to you all through your hard times as well

Royal,
Guilt is an amazing feeling......sometimes to helps us to do better and to think of others before ourselves and sometimes it envelopes us and covers and masks what lies beneath the "real" feelings.

I think that once you identify your guilt......what are you really feeling [not thinking] but, really feeling, you'll have all the answers to your myriad of questions.

Am I feeling lonely, afraid, scared and desperate rather than guilty? And, have I ever felt this way before? How can I help myself through these feelings?

So many questions that need to be answered. Take your time.....you've NEVER done this before. It's all so new to you. It's your turn to be selfish and allow your feelings some room! There's no right or wrong feelings.......they just are!!!!

I hope that some of this has helped.

Roz