I was at a gathering this afternoon and met a woman who'd lost her husband 14 years ago. She said you never recover in the sense that you are a different person forever and on a different path and you never stop missing them, but it does get better/easier to go on with your life and even have some good times.

Oh, truhal I am so sorry for your loss. I hear your pain and breathed those very words. I wish I could say the pain goes away quickly but grief is its own process. It breaks you, it remolds you and refines you . I truely wish I would have found this site as quickly as you have. The support here has been immeasureable and I hope it will be a wonderful support for you also.
I am walking towards my 2 year anniversary for my husbands passing. The scar is there but the intensity of pain is not.

I hope you will keep sharing, asking questions and reading. My thoughts are with you. Huge hugs!

Yes the pain is very physical for me also. My heart feels like an open wound, my stomach aches. Rob is dead now 11 weeks 4 days. Right after he passed I felt like I got hit with a Mac truck, every bone hurt and I was exhausted but could not sleep. That part has gotten better, my energy is better but not like it was yet. I spend my time reading any book on grief that I can get. Widow to Widow is a good start. It is hard to concentrate and even now I have to reread sentences. This site is a lifesaver too. I know that I must go on and I do intend to live with the feelings that I have, as intense as they are now and however it is in the future.. I am learning that I just have to accept it, still times when I scream and cry against the reality. I love Rob and I want to have him in my heart always. Right now that spot is sore but I think at some point I may find comfort with him here. I am sorry, it is so hard. I lost both parents and thought that was bad. This is life changing. The daily life that we had, every little thing is changed, there is such an empty space in the day to day. No other relationship is as intimate in all ways, We are left trying to figure out who we are now, what we are suppose to do, how to go on.
Yes I was wishing it was me but then I wouldn't want Rob to go through this side of death either. Hug, Donna

Truhal,

Yes, we survivors feel like we've been sent to Hell to live out what is left of our lives. Time seems to stand still at first, and the pain is so unbearable that we feel as though we cannot tolerate it one more minute; but we do. We wake up each day and can't believe that another 24 hours has passed, and we are still here fighting this terrible agony. There will be nothing to compare to the loss of your beloved husband, but eventually life takes on new meaning as we learn to live in a new and strange world. Sooner or later we find ourselves discovering a new normal, and we haven't even sought it outit just arrived one day.

Although there are others here who have been on this journey longer than myself, I believe that my nearly five years of loss has taught me many unexpected lessons about how to not only survive but begin a new life: (1) the sun came up every morning no matter how deep in sorrow I was entrenched; (2) each day brought something a little different that showed me I still had a life to live; (3) my pain and grief lessened bit by bit, and I began to see opportunities to smile and even laugh again; and (4) finally, gratefully, a new me began to emerge from that dark pit of sadness. Would I have believed this during those first weeks and months, probably not, but the wonder of hope endures in spite of our miserable beginnings as a survivor.

I took so many leaps of faith not knowing where I would land, but knew I could not chance stagnating in such sorrow. When the days and nights are bad, hold tight to the wonderful years of memories you shared with your DH, and wait for the light to shine a little brighter each day. Some days will be good; some not so good, but be assured that this intensity of grief does not remain the same.

As you visit Daily Strength you will notice that most of us find some degree of joy as the weeks and months pass. Our spouses helped make us who we are today, and with that knowledge we endeavor to move past the wretchedness of the initial loss to the next steps to recovery.

Blessings to you as you make the effort to move forward on this difficult journey. Trust me; it will be worth every agonizing step. TJ

I am at a little over 2 years now and the pain that you descibe I remember so well. It has let up, but I still miss him and think of him everyday. I am a different person than I once was. I do have happy times and can laugh at things but the emptiness is still there. My husbands boss said he lost his first wife a little over 35 yrs ago and there is not a day that goes by that he doesn't think of her. He remarried a few years later and he does love his new wife but his first is still a big part of his thoughts. I think this is something we will always carry with us. We just learn how to deal with everything as time goes by.

I am very sorry for the loss of your husband. This site has been a big part of my healing. Hugs to you. Denise.

I can't speak for myself because I am new to this too. But, my father was my mother's whole life and when he died I wondered if she would ever be even close to ok. She slowly regained her life and feels confident she was be with him again some day. She is as happy now as ever, just enjoying life in a different way. I don't know how I will be years from now, but this is how her life is now. Remember - it has only been 1 week for you - that is no time at all. Hang in there.

It has only been 6 months for me. Sometimes it feels like six years! The pain has been physical for me as well. They have told me in about 3 to 5 years it will be better. Recover in the sense that it will be the same? I do not think so. Recover in the sense that I will live rather than exist, maybe. I am sorry for your loss. You have come to a good place. People here are very supportive. Sandy

Hi,
At 13 months, I still continue to feel that I just "exist" and often wonder why? When I am with my kids and grandchildren, I do find times when I can smile and laugh, but when I come home to the empty house once again, everything floods back in and I am back to just existing again.
None of us can understand the "why's". Why were we left behind, why are we made to suffer so much, why do we have to be so lonely?
I, too am a believer in God and I know He has good reason. I try to look at it as just an "absence" and that one day, I will be reunited with Rich once again. It truly helps me to believe this and has gotten me through many a horrible day.
My love to you, Mo

The short answer is 'yes' you will recover. You will get through this and the pain will not be as intense and constant as it is right now. You will get to the point where you are not crying 24/7, where you will be able to sleep again, not have the physical aches and complete exhaustion you are in, you will be able to laugh, enjoy things in your life, find meaning in your life, and perhaps even be able to love again.

In the early days, we see everything in absolutes - everything is all or nothing - black or white. We can only see what was versus what is now at this moment. But life is not absolutes, it is many shades of grey. Life is still full of a million possibilities, but we can't see them through the tears. And we forget how to hope for a time.

It will change. How you view your life will change. Your priorities will change. Your sense of self will change. Changes, whether good or bad, are very hard for us to adapt to much less accept. And the longer and harder we fight change, the more miserable we are. If we stubbornly refuse to accept that we have to adapt, then we remain stubbornly miserable, too. And we all do fight it - we don't want to change - we want what was. The transition from misery to hope takes time, grief must have its due.

Grief is hard work. Someone here once likened it to digging ditches 12 hours a day. A good description. But eventually, you will climb out of that hole. It won't happen over night, but it will happen. Be patient with yourself.

I lost Cliff suddenly in November 2007. I am the "last man standing" as I've buried my parents and his, too. This grief is different - almost like it should be called something else because it is SO different. I didn't think I could survive it, much less ever be happy again. But at 28-1/2 months, I have survived it and I am happy. My life is very different in oh so many ways, but different isn't always bad.

Do not be afraid. You will get through this. And we will help all we can.

Love and Hugs, Martha

I've come to think that we widows/widowers are mourning the loss of our spouse and the life we expected to live. I think that's what makes it so hard. I remember many times my husband telling me what we will do once we retired. He was a workaholic who was set on having a large nest egg for retirement. I on the other hand am a live-for-today sort of person who believes in enjoying each day. My thought is we don't know how long we'd have or even if we'd live until retirement. I could never convince him of that, so I started to come around to his way of thinking. Now, every time I look at something, I think of his plans. Now there will be no trips around the world, no large house to live in, no summer house. We won't take long walks together, read books and discuss them. He worked hard all of his life, especially the last ten. He didn't get to enjoy the fruits of his labor and my future with him is lost.

I can't help but feel a deep sadness and losing both.

I find myself wishing to do the last ten years over. I want him back so we can smell the roses.

My husband passed away Nov.2 , 2009 and I know exactly the pain that you are talking. I lost my Father who meant the world to me and I also lost a sister 5 years ago but notthing I mean nothing has been as horrible as this. Those first few weeks are the hardest and then it has a tendency to come more in waves of emotions. The pain I don't think will ever go away. What I think is we learn to bury it and live with it as time goes by. I had a moment yesterday when my brother said about the Easter basket I had put together "who eats peeps anyway" and I said it was one of Buddy's favorite things in the Easter basket..the little yellow peeps.
I looked at those stupid yellow peeps and had to leave the room and go cry. It' just how it goes...

Yesterday was 9 months since my husband passed away and the pain is still there nevertheless I am learning to live with the pain and tears. Yes, there are good days and some really bad days but I remember how my husband loved life and in his honor I have to do the same. I don't know why God took him so early and why I am still here but I know there is a purpose and I have to keep going. DS has helped me a lot and you will find that the people here are very considerate, understanding and most of all they will always be here to help you as you go through this journey. Welcome to DS and God bless you. Hugs Linda

I am so sorry for your loss. I am at 16 months today and I can tell you it does get better. The pain never really goes away, but it gets manageable and you really do find that you can laugh again and enjoy life, even though you still miss him. One thing you should prepare for is the roller-coaster of emotions you will probably have, up one minute, down the next, and it can go on that way for a long time. The bad news is there is no way to make this grief process shorter - it takes as long as it takes, and the time is different for everyone. The good news is that we all somehome manage to go through it and I am sure you will too. You will find a lot of understanding and support here; you are not alone. laurabp

My husband was my perfect companion. The best person I ever knew. His love was a precious gift and I knew I was blessed. We loved each other completely.People used to say marriage was a series of up and downs and hard work. I was still waiting for the hard times and work to begin.
I didn't think I would survive the pain of his loss. I literally could not accept for months that he was really gone. I paced around here in a state of utter despair, crying, screaming, falling to my knees, ripping at myself, it hurt to breath and life lost all colour. At times the rage and pain was so unrelenting I wanted to take a heavy object and smash up everything inside my house. I felt crazed. I understood for the first time why people killed and cut themselves.
I lost my husband on Feb.23 2009, suddenly and shockingly while we were on holidays in Mexico. It was an absolute horror story and I remained "stuck" there for a long time. And the guilt- knowing he might have been saved with proper medical care and that I should have seen the signs. Believe me, it was bad, real bad, and I suffered almost beyond my level of human endurance.
But today the pain is not only bearable it is doable. I still struggle but I am starting to live again. I know my husband lives and that our spirits will be united. The love he gave and my storehouse of treasured memories sustains me. I want to live a life of honour and servitude. A life that emulates the way he lived his own life. I want him to know I'm o.k. I have accepted it was his time but not mine. I have lessons to learn and lots of room for improvement.There is so much need in this world. I don't want the legacy of our love to live on. I count my blessings and I have many. I am grateful for all I have. I try not to wallow more than necessary. I believe it's not so much what happens to us in life but rather our attitude, what we tell ourselve about our situation that determines our response. I try to see things as bigger then myself and my sitiation. I have pushed the play button for my life. I can't rewind and I stayed on pause long enough. At some point you have to make a conscious point to just survive a miserbe existence or live again. This is a long process. You will go up and down and back and forth. But as long as you take 2 steps ahead for everyone back you will move ahead.
Please don't let the message of this wonderful site and it's loving peopee that you have no hope. remember people tend to write during their darkest hours and times of greatest need. Most people here are early in the grief journey. Many have come and gone which tells me they have moved on. I have reclaimed my joy admist my sorrow and so can you.

Tskks, your message helps very much. I hadn't considered all the people who used to post that are now better and are not posting at all.