For me, I remember mostly the good times with my partner, and do not think a lot about the not-so-good times. So, to answer you question, I guess I do love him more now that he is gone. Just wish, constantly, that he wasn't "gone". I miss him terribly. And guess I will for the rest of my life. Yeah we both had personality quirks that could irritate the other one (who doesn't?), but I do not dwell of those now.

I understand what you feel. I believe I feel the same. Yes we all have our little "things" but I would much rather have my wife beside me now. We had our early marriage arguments over money and the like, but in the 40 years of our marriage I honestly don't remember more than a handful of real arguments and certainly non in the last 20 years or so. We were the perfect complement for each other. I know some may not believe it and others will say I have put her on a pedistal but it was the truth. Maybe that's why I miss her so much. I will love her forever and 10,000 years beyond that........

I know what you mean. I find myself remembering my husband's virtues more than I do his vices. I think that when we are just living our lives with our partners our everyday experiences were good, bad, big and small, all rolled in together. Since my husband passed away, my memories are more linear - there is more of a "good" category, a "this drove me crazy" category, a "this still makes me laugh" category, and on and on. For the most part I remember more from the good and this still makes me laugh categories, and I guess that's part of healing.

I'm finding for myself, my feelings have been going through an evolution. At the end, our marriage had completely disintegrated - in fact, we were on the verge of separation before Rob died. I had become so angry with him for his passive-aggressive behaviour, his uncaring attitude towards me and especially to our kids, that I just wanted to get away from it completely.
I was so angry when he died, that I almost felt we were all better off... but the shock really threw me into a tailspin. Then the guilt just consumed me for months, plaguing me with 'what if's' and 'if only I had...' I kept feeling if I had done things differently, he'd still be alive.
Truth was, he had given up - he no longer wanted to make the effort to be well, to live longer and be here, emotionally, for me and our children. That defeated attitude took hold of him YEARS before.
Now, almost two years after his passing, I'm finding a better balance in my feelings for him. Yes, I still get a bit angry. But I also miss him, miss the special moments we had. I miss the guy who planned a special spa day and surprise party for my 40th birthday. I miss the guy who, while on a driving trip to Ontario, pulled the car over on a country road, grabbed the blanket from the back, and had a romantic interlude with me. I miss the guy who would send me a dozen roses at the office, just because I was having a rough week and he wanted to cheer me up.
I guess the danger is to put our late loved ones on a pedestal - so much that no one else would ever measure up, and therefore cut ourselves off from the possibilities of new relationships.
At this point now, I am coming to some sort of peace about it - he had his strengths, his weaknesses - in other words he was human. I loved him, and some point he loved me a great deal. I miss the good man I married; I don't miss the one who was so bitter before he died. Confusing, but life is confusing too... it's not black and white, this grieving process, is it?

I could have wrote every word of that myself. I often wonder if I love him more now, and I think I do! I just miss him so much I would take him back just the way he was and be happy about it. Of course it would probably go back to the way it was but in my mind I would be such a different person this time.

I never thought absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it sure does. I always figured.....out of site out of mind. Live and learn.

If we could just do it all again and do it right this time, it would be wonderful.

I think it is only natural to alter the reality of our relationships with our deceased spouses. My husband was a gentle, kind man, who didn't verbally communicate very well. So imagine my shock and dismay when in the heat of an argument he turned with a raised fist, intent on punching me right in the face. I actually giggled at the absurdity of it, which is the only thing that stopped him. Then I asked "are you going to hit me?" He looked at his fist, raised in the air, as if it wasn't connected to his own actions. In that moment the word divorce popped into my mind for the very first time in our 20 years together. Within the next week we would find out about the brain tumor that was causing this and other aggressive behaviors.
None of us are perfect. I have come to terms with the imperfections of my marriage. My part in them and his. This has helped me see our time together in a very realistic and pleasant way.

I feel the same. We were separated and I had a Order Of Protection on him. Then when he got real sick, and no one to take care of him. The kids were going to put him in a nursing home. I remembered, he allowed my Dad to move in, so I could take care of him, and not be in a nursing home. So, I brought him home, took care of him. He was mean and hateful for those 2 years. Did everything he could to hurt me. Told lies on me. Finally at the last, when he was in the hospital, and mental hospital. I arraigned for him to go to a nursing home. I couldn't take it anymore. He died the night before he was to be moved.
So, I look back at those almost 50 years, and I can't think of anyway he treated me good. Or of anytime he didn't abuse me in some way. He had me brained washed. Now that he is gone. My head has gotten back together. I am peaceful. But I must have loved him. Or was incredibly stupid. I have no good memories of my marriage. But I did have my 3 kids. Worth everything to me.

For me I dont believe it is love them more. What I believe is we have a greater appreciation for what we had. As humans we tend to take things for granted until it is lost. That is a tough lesson I hope never to repeat. Appreciate everything and everyone around you because you never know what life has planned. I appreciated and loved my wife but I also took life for granted as it was, not realizing what a incredible gift each moment was.

Gerald ,This is how I feel. I took him & every thing we had for granted. We joked about growing old together. It never occurred to us that he could possibly be gone @ 43. Now I look back at his strengths and weaknesses with sadness and love. I miss his big heart & his quick laugh but I also miss the big shoes in the middle of the living room & the wrappers on the kitchen counter...2 ft from the trash bin. I'd give anything for a Do-Over

Hi, I haven't been here for quite some time.... but I saw this post and had to comment! I for one named my Jimmy saint of the century after he died.... for me it was normal.... and I was blessed to of been able to tell my Jimmy... If I had to do it all over again I'd do it with you! So yes I think we have a tendency to remember the "Good Times" ! Blessings! MJ

Gerald said it well . Our marriage started with the naivety of young ones and yes we had ups and downs and argued passionately but there was never any doubts that we loved each other. The last 2 years prior to him getting sick, we had finally evolved and learned to communicate better and were at a wonderful place which continued to grow each and everyday. No I won't put him on a pedestal as neither one of us were saints. We were however humans and made mistakes but we work at our marriage and the love continued to grow and while he has gone and I am here, it was not by our choice and my love continues to grow. In a different way but still it grows.

i couldnt possibly love connie anymore now than i did before she passed, all i ever wanted to do was spend time with her, we were only together 11 years, but she was perfect for me we were perfect partners...yes i would tick her off from time to time and she would tick me off as well but we didnt fight we just talked it out we respected each others opinion...the only secret i ever kept from her is how scared i was to lose her...and no nobody will ever measure up to her, for one i dont plan on trying..i had it all and hopefully one day i will have her back again...its all i want

Honestly for me I don't think so...as much as I hate cancer it did give me the opportunity to know with out a doubt that I really loved him...the good him...the bad him...just like our kids...that unconditional love. As people I think its normal to want to hold on to the good stuff when we cant have it anymore...just like we hold on to the bad stuff when we are mad. For me when I look back and see the ups and downs I see 2 people really growing...I remember when our kids were born the early fights would always have each of us saying to each other that we were the one that would take the kids...then as the kids were growing and making us crazy we reversed it ..and would tell each other that they were getting the kids and then finally one day we were like hey when u kids getting out of here so we can get wild and crazy again...lol and that was the last time they threatened us ..with the Im getting out of here. I am so thankful that we toughed it out together...every good time and every bad time. Currently I have been venturing in the online dating world and the vast majority of the mens profiles that I read are divorced and they use the words no drama yet they are looking for a long term relationship...to me life and relationships are full of drama....and its in the handling of it that gives it meaning and character....

I can't say that now I love my husband more or less. In the past almost 7 months since he passed I have had all range of the emotions you can imagine: guilt, anger, sadness... So there was more love, less love, more love again. I would say it's differently now - like at the different level.

I can honestly say with Tim's passing I realized how much I loved him. I know he knew it but of course I wish I would have told him more.
I try to keep our relationship in perspective. I remember the best of times and the worst of times. I try to look at the lessons those times have taught me and embrace that.
Hugs, Sandi