I myself was divorced before I met my soul-mate and he passed this last Nov 14. IT IS NOT THE SAME THING! Granted it is crushing and things didn't work and you blame yourself. However, you know that person is still around, you can see them and talk to them and yell at them. I have a co-worker that says she knows what I'm going through. She's in her early 50's and lost a brother when she was 16 however, that also is not the same thing. I do not say that her pain isn't warranted but loosing the person you planned to spend your life with, lived with, ate with, traveled with, talked about your most intimate desires, needs and future with and have sexual relationship with. Be it a deep intimate plain or whatever. Is not the same as divorce or loosing your parents, grandparents or siblings or friends. Loosing a child is probably as close as you can get to this pain. I'm sorry you had to deal with that - most people honestly do not know the pain we endure and I honestly wouldn't wish this on anyone. Hugs

My wife just died on 12-1-15. We would have been together 20 years in July. I am just beginning this horrible journey. People have said the most unhelpful things to me. You are so right- nothing is the same as losing your soul mate.

Carrie, I am so sorry you had to have your loss compared to divorce. It is not the same! Unfortunately those who haven't gone through this have absolutely no clue how it feels. And I think they try the best they can to find something to compare it to. There will probably be many "comparisons" and words of "comfort" that grate on your nerves in the future. Best to not let them bother you. Some people just say stupid stuff! Hang in there kiddo, Hugs and Love, Michele

I think that in each of the situations mentioned above that people are trying to relate to you based on the worst thing that has happened to them so far. It is not helpful, but that's generally what they are trying to do. I had the divorce comparison more than once. I found it infuriating. It wasn't until a friend here who had been through both disasters (divorce and widowhood) explained to me why there were similarities that I was able to understand, as I have been through break-ups but never a divorce. Came close to divorce with Cliff twice, and had actually filed for divorce, but we fought our way back to each other and had 20 more years together (30 altogether).

The divorce similarities have a lot to do with feeling like it was forced upon you, that you had no choice, and all your future plans were blown out of the water. A lot of divorces happen because of adultery, and the feelings of abandonment, insecurity, low self-esteem, and anger are all there. Eventually there are pangs of guilt as one wonders what they could have/should have/would have done differently so the marriage would still be intact. It is the end of the marriage relationship. That has to be grieved. So there are a lot of similarities, and I try to cut people some slack because of that.

After Cliff died, I carpooled with a girlfriend who was divorced and remarried. One evening on the way home, she was complaining and complaining about her new husband when her cell phone rang. It was her ex-husband. She proceeded to have a screaming match with her ex. All I could think of was, "Good grief, she has two husbands to scream at and I don't even have my one!!!" That was a silly thing to think, but true. My friend was really miserable. I don't know if she ever got things squared away.

I am sorry that lady upset you. I think we all get some pretty dumbass things said to us. They just don't understand. Unfortunately, they probably will someday. Hang in there....

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Absolutely Carrie! Most of my friends are divorced. Several have compared it to my situation at which I just answer...well at least you can still see them if you really needed to. Plus, the two remaining marrieds actually have told me that they wish their spouses were dead! Can you imagine? To say that out loud let alone to a "W" is beyond my imagination. I just shake my head with a blank look on my face because I really don't know what to say to them! So I guess this is another thing that we have to live with. I think they really are just trying to comfort us...still shaking my head...but everyone handles situations in different ways. I've learned to let it go and give them the benefit of the doubt. They have no idea what we are going through. I know I didn't before this and I've said things to and about people who have lost their spouse that I now regret. I meant no ill intent....I just didn't know....
Hang in there kiddo...every day you learn something new. Put it under your belt and chalk it up to experience.
Big hugs to you!
Darcie

Well, yes. And they have told me they envied the life insurance policy. I told them I would rather have my husband in a cardboard shack underneath the bridge, homeless. But in the end, we are comparing creatures, it is how we learn when we are children. Look at the blue ball, now look at the red ball, Blue ball, red ball... etc... So they try to find the common ground. And there is none. They compare it to the death of parents (not the same) the death of children (horrible and terrible, but not the same), the death of pets (again not the same) They compare to what is in their bailiwick. Listen to Martha on this one, per the norm, she is spot on.

Hugs,
Val

yes, I have had similiar experiences.s At first I was angered and it was all I could do not to scream at someone who I knew was only trying to be helpful. Early in my grief I also posted here on this same topic it upset me so much. WIth a bit of time since my husband's passing behind m ,I have now come to realize they were only trying to comfort me with the closest experience they had to .what I was going through. Do I think the experiences are the same no and now depending on the comment I either smile and grit my teach or gently will say something. But I've come to look at this way at least they care enough to try to comfort me. Also, I think some people really do think they are the same. I've had other friends who I feel have gone through truely horrible divorces say right up front - that even despite what they went through they can't image what I am going through and are there for me. Come here and vent when it happens. As you can see many of us have experienced it. GRRRR an wishing you a moment of peace today.

The more of life experiences I have behind me, the more I realize what an idiot I have been at times. When we think ourselves wise, we are foolish. Sometimes it's just best not to say anything when we really don't know, but we are not built that way. Many things have changed for me now. One very important change I am seeing in myself is that things are not so black and white for me, and with that I am not as opinionated as before because I realize that very little is within my control anyway. So I am learning to just give it over to God and leave it there. And with the realization that I am about as imperfect as they come, so are most people and I am learning to do myself a favor just let the idiotic things people can say or do just pass. I've got enough on my plate just trying to survive without who was truly my better half. ~~ Scott

That was one of the statements that infuriated me. Someone came up to me at the funeral and said that she knew how I felt as she had been through a horrible divorce. One that she did not want.
Now after going through a break-up I do understand the grieving of a lost relationship. It cuts to the core.
So I have now experienced the similarities. And like Martha said they are just trying to be understanding of your situation.
Hugs, Sandi

In my mind it is still different. Correct me if I didn't understand it correctly. A divorce is like milk that turned sour. I would grieve about what I could have done to prevent the milk from turning sour, but the quality has changed and can no longer be used. Being widowed is like having a candy bar that I liked snatched out of me and put it at a place I could no longer reach forever. Somehow this hurts a lot more, because I still keep thinking how happiness can return "if I could only reach it".

My apologies for the childish comparison.

Is there a comparison between divorce and death. I say yes!

The death of a marriage doesn't happen overnight, neither are some deaths. Some take years until the person dies, some marriages take forever to dissolve and in both situations everyone is burdened with; guilt, what if's, why me and such heartbreaking pain.

In both instances the loss of the promises of tomorrow is overwhelming. To know that your mate is gone from this earth is too much to bear. To know that your mate is living away from you, with someone else or alone is also hurtful and it's ongoing!

In either case you are left to pick up the pieces of what was once YOU! In divorce most folks don't sympathize or hold your hand through it.....while in deaths it can be the same, most often it is not. Most will offer help or assistance to the bereaved widow, where the divorcee is expected to "move on!"

I've NEVER been divorced but my heart goes out to anyone who has had to endure the pain of it.

My best wishes to all,
Roz

Carrie, Im stalking you, lol.. no really, people are just ignorant, they think they understand. I think they are thinking; loss, its the same other than the circumstances. Funny how, people don't always know the right thing to do or say. Did you tell her.. hmm hmmm sorry but divorce is not the same. as death. death is infinite, I cant call up sean, and say , Im sorry lets talk. Also divorce is under stressful, and not good circumstances. Me and my husband were deeply in love, and bestfriends... Just gotta think... if they only knew.. lol.. much love my dear carrie, and big hugs.. carla.. ok Im done stalking you now.. lol..